My friend's husband up and left with no warning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will people stop with the PI? This is not 1950!

As for 14:14, I think she's right. I bet OP's friend will look back and see signs. I bet they were not making love five or even two times a week, etc.

Why not a PI?

[Anonymous]

Because the poster is trying to find a way to comfort and support her friend. Do you think it is comforting and supportive to say "well maybe he's cheating on you, I'd hire a PI"???

That advice might be helpful to someone, but not this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the poster is trying to find a way to comfort and support her friend. Do you think it is comforting and supportive to say "well maybe he's cheating on you, I'd hire a PI"???

That advice might be helpful to someone, but not this OP.

But if it matters to the divorce settlement, than it is supportive. Maybe not comforting, and what she wants to hear, but important to her and her children's futures.

Not all "support" can be warm and fuzzy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the poster is trying to find a way to comfort and support her friend. Do you think it is comforting and supportive to say "well maybe he's cheating on you, I'd hire a PI"???

That advice might be helpful to someone, but not this OP.

But if it matters to the divorce settlement, than it is supportive. Maybe not comforting, and what she wants to hear, but important to her and her children's futures.

Not all "support" can be warm and fuzzy.

But it's nonsense because we know zero about this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the poster is trying to find a way to comfort and support her friend. Do you think it is comforting and supportive to say "well maybe he's cheating on you, I'd hire a PI"???

That advice might be helpful to someone, but not this OP.

But if it matters to the divorce settlement, than it is supportive. Maybe not comforting, and what she wants to hear, but important to her and her children's futures.

Not all "support" can be warm and fuzzy.

But it's nonsense because we know zero about this guy.

Really? You are quite naive if you think a man just walks out without warning and doesn't have a cozy bed to get into.

[Anonymous]

Why not a PI? Why a PI? Have you never heard of NO FAULT DIVORCE. What would a PI do? People who give this advice are NOT divorced, I assure you! If he's having an affair, what will that do as far as assets and custody? NOT MUCH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not a PI? Why a PI? Have you never heard of NO FAULT DIVORCE. What would a PI do? People who give this advice are NOT divorced, I assure you! If he's having an affair, what will that do as far as assets and custody? NOT MUCH!

What the initial post suggesting a PI said was, "If it makes a difference to the settlement."

Did you know, genius, that Virginia is NOT a no fault state? That proven adultery can affect custody and be taken into account in the award of alimony? And that even in no fault divorces, sometimes the cheater feels so guilty that they give away more during the divorce? No? You didn't know that?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely recommend and try to help her find a good counselor for herself and for the kids. One of my parents just left one day after over 20 years of marriage. It is INCREDIBLY difficult for the remaining spouse AND the kids. Counseling was the biggest help to me going through it as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cherchez la femme.

Seriously. She should hire a PI if it can make a difference in her divorce settlement. Men hardly ever leave suddenly like that without a Plan B.

Totally agree with this. A neighbor's husband left her while she was on a business trip. She found out when she came home to a half-empty house and got a voice mail saying he was leaving. They'd been undergoing fertility treatment together for nine months. She had ZERO idea, none, whatsoever. Turns out he'd been having an affair with a colleague for more than a year. This man was a highly paid lawyer at a big firm. We'd used him for some legal work and knew him socially. Never in a zillion years expected this. Cherchez la femme, no kidding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is always warning signs. Always.

How the hell do you know? How many divorces have you had?

New Poster here, there are ALWAYS warning signs.

JUST like a poster last week who's husband does not want to put her on a deed to a new house (some bullshit about inheritance money). That poster does not think this is a warning sign that he is planning on leaving and some posters even agree. If you live in denial, then you will never see the signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will people stop with the PI? This is not 1950!

As for 14:14, I think she's right. I bet OP's friend will look back and see signs. I bet they were not making love five or even two times a week, etc.

Why not a PI?

The PI's actually not a bad idea. It helped my SIL's divorce and also gave her closure. Her husband wasn't being honest with her, which left her thinking she still had a chance with him.

And - who cares if there were signs? Too late now! And there are lots of people not making love 5 or 2 times a week that will never get divorced. Different thresholds for different people. You never know. Not that you should be inattentive, but it's difficult to say that she should have caught all the signs.

[Anonymous]

Adultery may give you grounds to get divorced, if the other spouse refuses to cooperate. But proving that your spouse was the bad one doesn't usually affect property or custody. The days of punishing adulterers are over and a bad husband is not assumed to be a bad father. Not saying I agree, just that this seems to be the way of the world now.

However I personally would want to know why he was leaving, so I would hire the PI.

[Anonymous]

Really? You are quite naive if you think a man just walks out without warning and doesn't have a cozy bed to get into.

I love these types of responses; it shows a couple of things:

1. poster does not think that a man can survive without a woman.
2. women will not think twice about sticking to another woman by taking her man.

What kind of men have you been hanging out with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Really? You are quite naive if you think a man just walks out without warning and doesn't have a cozy bed to get into.

I love these types of responses; it shows a couple of things:

1. poster does not think that a man can survive without a woman.
2. women will not think twice about sticking to another woman by taking her man.

What kind of men have you been hanging out with?

Actually, you are entirely incorrect. I do think men can survive without women. I just don't think they leave a marriage suddenly and without warning unless they have a place to go where they get marital-like comforts. Same thing goes for women. One of my DH's closest friends came home one day to find his apartment empty of all his wife's belongings. Turned out she had moved right in with her older lover. You really think Plan B is a crappy unfurnished studio apartment when the other spouse didn't even know the one leaving was unhappy? Has nothing to do with survival, but nice attempt to twist my words around.

And as for 2, where have you been? Do you not know the statistics on adultery in this country? Do you know how many women don't think twice about it? Do yoj know how many men don't think twice about sleeping with a married woman either? Get your head out of the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the poster is trying to find a way to comfort and support her friend. Do you think it is comforting and supportive to say "well maybe he's cheating on you, I'd hire a PI"???

That advice might be helpful to someone, but not this OP.

But if it matters to the divorce settlement, than it is supportive. Maybe not comforting, and what she wants to hear, but important to her and her children's futures.

Not all "support" can be warm and fuzzy.

But it's nonsense because we know zero about this guy.

Really? You are quite naive if you think a man just walks out without warning and doesn't have a cozy bed to get into.

Agree. I know three people this has happened to and all were having an affair. In all cases, the warning signs were definitely there.