Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Any Experience?

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from a parent with this disorder. Nice to know others are out there dealing with this, too. I would love to be part of a support group, specifically because of the "emperor's new clothes" element and the ability of the aggressor to win others over to their side by acting rational when others are around. it's a no-win situation because taking the high road and not engaging means everyone believes the charming, sane-looking person who is actually like a dr. jekyle and mr. hyde. I would love to share with others who understand.

I agree that cutting them off makes them go off the deep end but it is the only way to live. My parent has focused on one of my kids, trying to take them out of school w/o my permission, sending them dozens and dozens of letters (while ignoring my other DC completely), leaving them notes at school. It is very, very sick and scary. I often wonder how far they will go. It's especially scary because they have no sense that others are actually real people, too, and I am afraid that makes harming my DC out of spite possible.

[Anonymous]

One more thing to add...if your MIL used to be "normal" and has had a slide in the last few years..could be a sign of frontal temporal demential. This form of dementia is not like Alzheimers..it's more of a personality change i.e. someone who used to be reasonable is now nasty and distrusting, obsessed with new hobies etc. etc.--at first a doctor thought this was my mom and actually had a hard time accepting that this was my entire life so not possible to be this form of dementia. I am strangely comforted in this forum..although sad that other people are experiencing this..having a family member with a "personality" disorder like this is isolating and embarrassing..even though no fault of our own..but it's sad. This is why I asked OP to talk to her husband about what mom was like growing up..because if it is dementia..it needs to be handled differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from a parent with this disorder. Nice to know others are out there dealing with this, too. I would love to be part of a support group, specifically because of the "emperor's new clothes" element and the ability of the aggressor to win others over to their side by acting rational when others are around. it's a no-win situation because taking the high road and not engaging means everyone believes the charming, sane-looking person who is actually like a dr. jekyle and mr. hyde. I would love to share with others who understand.

I agree that cutting them off makes them go off the deep end but it is the only way to live. My parent has focused on one of my kids, trying to take them out of school w/o my permission, sending them dozens and dozens of letters (while ignoring my other DC completely), leaving them notes at school. It is very, very sick and scary. I often wonder how far they will go. It's especially scary because they have no sense that others are actually real people, too, and I am afraid that makes harming my DC out of spite possible.

11:54 again. That is scary, PP, and I really feel for you. Fortunately for me my father lives elsewhere, but in the same town as my brother and I have on occasion worried for the safety of his kids. I think I have convinced myself that he would never go so far as to harm/abduct the kids because that would expose Dr. Jeckyll (wait, who was the good one?) to the rest of the world and he cares too much about what other people think to do that. But I cant say it hasn't crossed my mind. I hope you have made clear to the school and the child that they are never to go off with grandma/grandpa.

I dont know about a support group - I got to a sane place alone (well, with an understanding mother and five figures worth of therapy, probably!). but if coffee with or the email address of one other person who absolutely can relate would help, post a way for me to contact you and I will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing to add...if your MIL used to be "normal" and has had a slide in the last few years..could be a sign of frontal temporal demential. This form of dementia is not like Alzheimers..it's more of a personality change i.e. someone who used to be reasonable is now nasty and distrusting, obsessed with new hobies etc. etc.--at first a doctor thought this was my mom and actually had a hard time accepting that this was my entire life so not possible to be this form of dementia. I am strangely comforted in this forum..although sad that other people are experiencing this..having a family member with a "personality" disorder like this is isolating and embarrassing..even though no fault of our own..but it's sad. This is why I asked OP to talk to her husband about what mom was like growing up..because if it is dementia..it needs to be handled differently.

Very interesting. I'm close to someone with borderline personality disorder who had very occasional outbursts and episodes of irrational behavior as long as I knew him, but has been mostly nasty and miserable for the last 5 1/2 years just about without fail. It seemed like a switch was flipped.

[Anonymous]

Wow. A whole thread about my mom, that I didn't even start. I spent a while in an ok place about having limited contact with her, and since having kids have had to limit it further. But now I'm worried about what happens to me when she dies. I'm afraid I will forever torture myself for not being nicer to her - when someone dies, it's easy to forget the bad parts and feel wistful about the good parts. And my mom does have good parts. Has anyone had the narcissistic parent die? How do you deal with the guilt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. A whole thread about my mom, that I didn't even start. I spent a while in an ok place about having limited contact with her, and since having kids have had to limit it further. But now I'm worried about what happens to me when she dies. I'm afraid I will forever torture myself for not being nicer to her - when someone dies, it's easy to forget the bad parts and feel wistful about the good parts. And my mom does have good parts. Has anyone had the narcissistic parent die? How do you deal with the guilt?

11:54 (originally) again. My dad is still alive and I worry about how my brother will deal when he dies, but honestly I think where therapy got me is in understanding that it is my right - indeed, obligation - to defend myself and my family from emotional abuse, and if I do so in the most humane way possible I have done all I can. Maybe I'm in for a rough surprise when my dad dies, but right now I honestly feel like I could say to anyone (or to a higher power if I were religious) that I have done the best I can in a very difficult situation, and I dont deserve to feel guilty. FWIW, despite my grandmother's constant (failed) attempts at reconciling me and my father and the fact that she and I were pretty close, I didn't feel guilty when she died that I could have done more to grant her wishes.

[Anonymous]

I am a new poster who is surprised at the number of people who have parents like mine. Has anyone found a support group for people like us? Would anyone be interested in starting one?

[Anonymous]

What would a DH w/ NPD or BPD look like? Anyone have experience there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a new poster who is surprised at the number of people who have parents like mine. Has anyone found a support group for people like us? Would anyone be interested in starting one?

I would be interested in starting one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a new poster who is surprised at the number of people who have parents like mine. Has anyone found a support group for people like us? Would anyone be interested in starting one?

I would be interested in starting one.

Don't need a support group - I cut off all contact. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am estranged from a parent with this disorder. Nice to know others are out there dealing with this, too. I would love to be part of a support group, specifically because of the "emperor's new clothes" element and the ability of the aggressor to win others over to their side by acting rational when others are around. it's a no-win situation because taking the high road and not engaging means everyone believes the charming, sane-looking person who is actually like a dr. jekyle and mr. hyde. I would love to share with others who understand.

I agree that cutting them off makes them go off the deep end but it is the only way to live. My parent has focused on one of my kids, trying to take them out of school w/o my permission, sending them dozens and dozens of letters (while ignoring my other DC completely), leaving them notes at school. It is very, very sick and scary. I often wonder how far they will go. It's especially scary because they have no sense that others are actually real people, too, and I am afraid that makes harming my DC out of spite possible.

11:54 again. That is scary, PP, and I really feel for you. Fortunately for me my father lives elsewhere, but in the same town as my brother and I have on occasion worried for the safety of his kids. I think I have convinced myself that he would never go so far as to harm/abduct the kids because that would expose Dr. Jeckyll (wait, who was the good one?) to the rest of the world and he cares too much about what other people think to do that. But I cant say it hasn't crossed my mind. I hope you have made clear to the school and the child that they are never to go off with grandma/grandpa.

I dont know about a support group - I got to a sane place alone (well, with an understanding mother and five figures worth of therapy, probably!). but if coffee with or the email address of one other person who absolutely can relate would help, post a way for me to contact you and I will.

The best thing that's happened -- and it's sad to even word it as "best" -- is that both times they showed up at my DC's school, the school immediately blocked access and called to let me know (even though my parent specifically asked the school not to tell me they had even been there). In a strange way, it was validating -- like I'm not the only one who thinks that behavior is not appropriate. It was a relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would a DH w/ NPD or BPD look like? Anyone have experience there?

Based on my father: an ass. Self-absorbed (anything he is doing is more important, all conversations must circle back to him, if he doesn't like something it's not worth liking or doing), impatient, judgmental in a black/white us/them way (making you always want to try to stay in the "us" category), needing you always at beck and call but ignoring you most of the time, treating you and kids like an extension of himself (taking credit for all achievement, threatened by anything you do differently or better than he does). Possibly unpredictable violent eruptions that are always turned back on you or the kids. A classic example from my father was being told (as an adult) that it really hurt his feelings when I (as a child) had nightmares and cried out in the night in fear of my father: that made him feel really bad, he just wanted me to know that. Yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look around, OP. You are surrounded by by NPD.

This is sadly very true. In concrete terms, the stuff that always starts fights on this site is classic NPD: not being able to hear about someone else without making it a statement about you, hearing all differences as a negative judgment on yourself, and responding by either going on the attack or derailing the original discussion to insist that your hurt feelings become the core issue that now needs to be addressed. ("How can you say that? I don't do that, are you saying I'm a bad person? It really pisses me off that you would suggest I'm so crappy! You need to apologize for wounding me so badly.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would a DH w/ NPD or BPD look like? Anyone have experience there?

Based on my father: an ass. Self-absorbed (anything he is doing is more important, all conversations must circle back to him, if he doesn't like something it's not worth liking or doing), impatient, judgmental in a black/white us/them way (making you always want to try to stay in the "us" category), needing you always at beck and call but ignoring you most of the time, treating you and kids like an extension of himself (taking credit for all achievement, threatened by anything you do differently or better than he does). Possibly unpredictable violent eruptions that are always turned back on you or the kids. A classic example from my father was being told (as an adult) that it really hurt his feelings when I (as a child) had nightmares and cried out in the night in fear of my father: that made him feel really bad, he just wanted me to know that. Yeah.

My Husband - described above......
working real hard to figure a way out of this marriage before our kids get old enough for him to really affect their lives too!!!
SUCKS!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. A whole thread about my mom, that I didn't even start. I spent a while in an ok place about having limited contact with her, and since having kids have had to limit it further. But now I'm worried about what happens to me when she dies. I'm afraid I will forever torture myself for not being nicer to her - when someone dies, it's easy to forget the bad parts and feel wistful about the good parts. And my mom does have good parts. Has anyone had the narcissistic parent die? How do you deal with the guilt?

My dad died when I was 20. Once the initial shock of his death wore off, I came to realize that his death was the best thing that had happened to me. It's been 25 years since he died and his death remains the best thing that ever happened to me - it beats even marrying my DH and having kids. His death freed me from from so many things, including the fear of him abusing my kids, hating on my DH or interfering with my relationship with my mother. His legacy still haunts me at times because of the damaged he inflicted but I am able to move on and move forward without him dragging me down. He had some good parts but they are so overshadowed by the negatives that I have no guilt or regret about feeling the way I do. I can't tell you how much life improved when he was gone.