How long can I let my 10 week old cry?

[Anonymous]

As the mother of an active 3yo and an 11 week old infant myself, I'm heartbroken at the thought of a mother intentionally not responding to her crying newborn if she is physically able. Clearly there are moments when we cant get to our baby to soothe them if we are driving, helping a sick sibling, etc, but even in those scenarios I feel the need to hold my baby asap as I believe an infants cry means she needs a parents loving attention. I also happen to have a background in mental health (LICSW) and have been to pediatric conferences that discuss the neurobiology of an infant and how disregulated they are, and that touch, breastfeeding and proximity to caregiver have been shown to keep cortisol levels down (stress hormone), assist in temperature and respiration regulation day and night, and contribute to an overall sense of well being on the part of the infant. Please re-consider allowing your newborn to cry to "see how long she can go" or for fear of spoiling her, she has a primary need that should be met if she is crying, especially at that age.

here are a few articles to consider:
http://www.naturalchild.org/research/harvard_attention.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/pinky_mckay.html

Babies are born designed to be dependent on us. The independence stage of a human being begins in the toddler years, and our culture is far more obsessed with independence than others. Here is another reference on normal healthy development:

Erikson's Eight Stages of Development

1. Learning Basic Trust Versus Basic Mistrust (Hope)
Chronologically, this is the period of infancy through the first one or two years of life. The child, well - handled, nurtured, and loved, develops trust and security and a basic optimism. Badly handled, he becomes insecure and mistrustful.

2. Learning Autonomy Versus Shame (Will)
The second psychosocial crisis, Erikson believes, occurs during early childhood, probably between about 18 months or 2 years and 3½ to 4 years of age. The "well - parented" child emerges from this stage sure of himself, elated with his new found control, and proud rather than ashamed. Autonomy is not, however, entirely synonymous with assured self - possession, initiative, and independence but, at least for children in the early part of this psychosocial crisis, includes stormy self - will, tantrums, stubbornness, and negativism. For example, one sees may 2 year olds resolutely folding their arms to prevent their mothers from holding their hands as they cross the street. Also, the sound of "NO" rings through the house or the grocery store.

3. Learning Initiative Versus Guilt (Purpose)
Erikson believes that this third psychosocial crisis occurs during what he calls the "play age," or the later preschool years (from about 3½ to, in the United States culture, entry into formal school). During it, the healthily developing child learns: (1) to imagine, to broaden his skills through active play of all sorts, including fantasy (2) to cooperate with others (3) to lead as well as to follow. Immobilized by guilt, he is: (1) fearful (2) hangs on the fringes of groups (3) continues to depend unduly on adults and (4) is restricted both in the development of play skills and in imagination.

4. Industry Versus Inferiority (Competence)
Erikson believes that the fourth psychosocial crisis is handled, for better or worse, during what he calls the "school age," presumably up to and possibly including some of junior high school. Here the child learns to master the more formal skills of life: (1) relating with peers according to rules (2) progressing from free play to play that may be elaborately structured by rules and may demand formal teamwork, such as baseball and (3) mastering social studies, reading, arithmetic. Homework is a necessity, and the need for self-discipline increases yearly. The child who, because of his successive and successful resolutions of earlier psychosocial crisis, is trusting, autonomous, and full of initiative will learn easily enough to be industrious. However, the mistrusting child will doubt the future. The shame - and guilt-filled child will experience defeat and inferiority.

5. Learning Identity Versus Identity Diffusion (Fidelity)
During the fifth psychosocial crisis (adolescence, from about 13 or 14 to about 20) the child, now an adolescent, learns how to answer satisfactorily and happily the question of "Who am I?" But even the best - adjusted of adolescents experiences some role identity diffusion: most boys and probably most girls experiment with minor delinquency; rebellion flourishes; self - doubts flood the youngster, and so on.

Erikson believes that during successful early adolescence, mature time perspective is developed; the young person acquires self-certainty as opposed to self-consciousness and self-doubt. He comes to experiment with different - usually constructive - roles rather than adopting a "negative identity" (such as delinquency). He actually anticipates achievement, and achieves, rather than being "paralyzed" by feelings of inferiority or by an inadequate time perspective. In later adolescence, clear sexual identity - manhood or womanhood - is established. The adolescent seeks leadership (someone to inspire him), and gradually develops a set of ideals (socially congruent and desirable, in the case of the successful adolescent). Erikson believes that, in our culture, adolescence affords a "psychosocial moratorium," particularly for middle - and upper-class American children. They do not yet have to "play for keeps," but can experiment, trying various roles, and thus hopefully find the one most suitable for them.

6. Learning Intimacy Versus Isolation (Love)
The successful young adult, for the first time, can experience true intimacy - the sort of intimacy that makes possible good marriage or a genuine and enduring friendship.

7. Learning Generativity Versus Self-Absorption (Care)
In adulthood, the psychosocial crisis demands generativity, both in the sense of marriage and parenthood, and in the sense of working productively and creatively.

8. Integrity Versus Despair (Wisdom)
If the other seven psychosocial crisis have been successfully resolved, the mature adult develops the peak of adjustment; integrity. He trusts, he is independent and dares the new. He works hard, has found a well - defined role in life, and has developed a self-concept with which he is happy. He can be intimate without strain, guilt, regret, or lack of realism; and he is proud of what he creates - his children, his work, or his hobbies. If one or more of the earlier psychosocial crises have not been resolved, he may view himself and his life with disgust and despair.


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These eight stages of man, or the psychosocial crises, are plausible and insightful descriptions of how personality develops but at present they are descriptions only. We possess at best rudimentary and tentative knowledge of just what sort of environment will result, for example, in traits of trust versus distrust, or clear personal identity versus diffusion. Helping the child through the various stages and the positive learning that should accompany them is a complex and difficult task, as any worried parent or teacher knows. Search for the best ways of accomplishing this task accounts for much of the research in the field of child development.

Socialization, then is a learning - teaching process that, when successful, results in the human organism's moving from its infant state of helpless but total egocentricity to its ideal adult state of sensible conformity coupled with independent creativity.

[Anonymous]

okay pp I know you are trying to help but this lady is looking for reasurance and said she was letting baby cry for five minutes..not an hour. I think if you need a break to use bathroom or just to calm yourself down--it is important to put baby down crying or not and walk out of the room if needed. There is no shame in this and 99% of people do this whether they want to admit this or not. In my experience, I can think of a few times where I just needed a breather and put baby down and called a friend to talk me through this and it really helped. I also firmly believe in swaddling--anytime my dd was really fussy, the swaddle really helped and you can buy a swaddle blanket at any babiesrus or target--they key is to make sure it is tight enough (obviously not too tight but really snug so they feel secure). If you have a loose swaddle, it doesn't work but I would suggest bringing the swaddle in to your ped and asking the nurse there and hopefully they have an infant nurse specialist to help you. Also keep a journal if you notice baby is getting really fussy at certain times of the day or all day (which could indicate some sort of colick problem)--if it's a certain time of day, try to see if someone can be home with you for some help and to help sooth anxiety.

Good luck and this will go buy--my dd was fussy around 9 p.m. -midnight from about week 4-10.

[Anonymous]

I used to find when my guy was very little that if I swaddled him when I knew he was tired during the day I could put him down and he would sleep for a nice nap (as opposed to the 10-20 minutes he would otherwise get). Obviously, you don't want to keep her swaddled all day, though.

I agree with PPs that it doesn't do any harm to hold baby all the time, but I disagree that "you'll just have to hold her" because I also agree with PPs that it doesn't do any harm to let them cry for a few minutes to see what happens (that is, if you know they're not hungry or gassy or otherwise needing some specific help from you).

[Anonymous]

If "babies are born designed to be dependent on us" 24/7, then I wish mother nature had never allowed mutiples. I am a mother of twins, with only two hands and crying is part of my daily life. Let's hope my pair turn out okay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If "babies are born designed to be dependent on us" 24/7, then I wish mother nature had never allowed mutiples. I am a mother of twins, with only two hands and crying is part of my daily life. Let's hope my pair turn out okay!

I am sure that they will. I wouldn't be too concerned about the pseudo-scientific theories posted by a p.p.

[Anonymous]

at that age, I tried to soothe DS's cries right away, but not necessarily pick him up. I'd try a gentle shushing and rubbing his belly while still in the crib. (I'd also offer a pacifier, which worked sometimes, though I know some moms want to stay away from pacifiers.) if those things didn't work, I'd pick him up. I wouldn't let him go on crying unless I needed to go to the bathroom or I was truly at the end of my rope. when you get to that point it's better to just leave the baby in the crib and walk away for a few minutes to regain your composure.

another thing -- I didn't want to spend money on a swing. a friend of mine loaned me hers, and I was so glad that she did. it helped A LOT. sometimes DS would sleep for over an hour in the swing!

good luck!

[Anonymous]

The reality is, you also need to get stuff done and that requires being hands free for awhile! I remember this stage (first three months) and being frustrated that I couldn't put him down between feedings to do simple things like unload the dishwasher or put on a load of laundry. I ended up buying a banana type sling and putting him in it so I could walk around the house, write thank you, do chores, be on the computer etc, without him crying. It worked great and I used it for the first three months. Even sitting down I had him in it on my lap. It had an instant calming effect - I think they are still so used to being inside of you that they like to be "cocooned" or swaddled to recreate that feeling. Mine was made by JJ Cole and looked like a sports bag.

[Anonymous]

by asking "i just dont know how long to give it," the OP is suggesting that she wants to know how long she can stand by and let her 10 week old cry not because she is unable to attend to her (which is of course entirely normal) but b/c she wonders if she should just let her 10wk old cry a bit for reasons that escape me. Of course I'm not suggesting that babies never cry, but I'm suggesting if you are physically able to attend to a crying newborn, DO IT!!! (mothers of multiples obviously will take longer and usually need extra hands to help them with 2 babies). Erik Erikson is not psuedo=science, anyone who has studied psychology 101 knows he is a leader in theories of social/emotional development, there are several others as well. The info shared is just like all other info we get as mother's, take what is useful to you and throw away the rest. I dont think it hurts to expose mothers to some basic principles of infant/early childhood psychology.