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Stop at 3 or go for #4?
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Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks to those who have offered thoughtful insights. I know you're right about knowing in your heart when you're done -- I expect it's kind of the same feeling as meeting the guy you're going to marry, "you just know". We both thought we were definitely going to go for 4, made several important decisions with that in mind, but lately I've been feeling taxed to my limits emotionally and physically, feeling housebound with the little guys' naps, and finding myself snapping at the kids instead of using more positive discipline, etc. Feeling like our 3 year old, who is awfully good at testing boundaries, needs more than I can give right now, and I wonder if we added a 4th, how especially he and #3 would fare with a mom who feels like she is just treading water already. Since I've had "4" in mind my whole life, there's part of me that would feel like I failed if I stopped now -- what's another couple years of the hard fetching and carrying when the prize is another beautiful addition to the family, boy or girl? But I also don't have anything to prove. If I've reached my limit, I can accept that. Just not sure what my limits really are... DH is supportive and understanding - he's from a very large, close family, but has also seen examples where parents probably should have stopped earlier for everyone's sake - so we are struggling with this together. I guess I feel like I'll never know if I can do it if I don't try, but feeling bad if it turns out poorly for using my kids in my homemade "can I do it?" experiment!
At any rate, thanks for the thoughts and most of all for the opportunity to express these feelings! |
Anonymous
Wow. Is your second child not a joy and a delight? Is he/she not worth the impact on your career? |
Anonymous
It is not a reflection of DC's personality. Just that if I could do it all again, I wouldn't. As I said, it isn't just about career, it is about life: relationship with spouse, money, impact on older sibling, exhaustion.... |
Anonymous
I completely agree on all points. I really wanted my daughter to have a sibling but later realized what a wonderful--and complete--family we made. Some people say that 2 isn't that much different than one but for us it has been worlds different. |
Anonymous
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This is a ridiculous attack on the poster who answered honestly. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the impact additional children could have on your career and life in general.
Wow. Is your second child not a joy and a delight? Is he/she not worth the impact on your career? |
Anonymous
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Hi OP,
Go for it! I'm turning forty and going for number three. My best friend has four, and she says it's not any harder than three. Her family is wonderful. Her children are all so close to each other. The younger ones learn from the older ones. And they all have a lot of fun. Good luck to you! |
Anonymous
Maybe you should go back to the hair-cutting board? I think I recognize you... |
Anonymous
Me too. I'm sure you love the 2nd-but is it really that hard having 2 vs. 1? |
Anonymous
No one should be blasted by admitting something they honestly feel. It's good to know you're not alone! I think being a mom is hard, draining, exhausting-but I love my son beyond words. |
Anonymous
I am the one who wrote this, and I apologize for the tone it took. I did not mean it to be an attack or to blast someone for sharing their honest feelings. My reaction was one of genuine surprise. I've been told (by many!) that once I see my baby, all my doubts and fears would be erased, that the importance of my career would no longer matter, that I would never regret my decision to have more children. So my questions were genuine and I'm sorry they weren't taken as such. |
Anonymous
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Hey OP,
Just wanted to mention that my friend who has four children does seem to find time to do things with her DH. In fact, they just got back from a week at Caneel Bay. I think the trick is that they have great senses of humor and they LOVE life and children and noise and controlled chaos. (I say controlled because their children are pretty well behaved.) Also, forgot to mention that she had her fourth at 40 too. GOOD LUCK! |
Anonymous
| OP, one thing to consider, based on your most recent post above: Is it the actual, real-life fourth child you want, or is it the lifelong dream and ideal of the fourth child? You mentioned that "lately I've been feeling taxed to my limits emotionally and physically, feeling housebound with the little guys' naps, and finding myself snapping at the kids instead of using more positive discipline, etc." To me (as a very tired mom), it seems as though a fourth might tax you beyond your limits, if you're at your limits now. Just a thought, based on your post: You're not somehow a "failure" if you decide now, in real life, that three children is enough. Good luck with your decision. |
Anonymous
I wonder if a lot of people feel like me about the second (or for that matter third or fourth), but don't want to voice it because a) it doesn't do any good to spend time on regrets, and more important, b) it is an implicit slight on the second child. I love this idea that once you see the baby all doubts and fears disappear and you are filled with a transcendental maternal bliss. There is certainly a strong hormonal reaction. But as to whether all doubts disappear, this presumably depends on whether they are smiling and gurgling or screaming their heads off at 3 in the morning, wracked with colic or reflux? |
Anonymous
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1 to 2 really is that different.
I am concerned by the idea that I'll know when I'm done - because I have three and am finished for practical reasons: money, house, age, sanity, husband's preference. But I wouldn't be so sad to have an oops baby! And I don't feel done. |
Anonymous
| I agree--1 to 2 was our hardest transition (we have 3). |