Are you expected to help your family? How about friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP from another thread here. DH and I do better financially than both our families (and most people, on the whole) combined. Clearly, some will use that sentence to flame me, which I will ignore. What I am looking for here is advice from those who do better than the rest of their family, and how they handle it. In other words, I am often given the rather strong impression that DH and I are expected to help out the rest of his and/or my family. Not only with essentials, but with also with ridiculous requests. I would rather not provide examples, though I know there are some that like to pry. Of course, it is easier to say no the ridiculous requests, but what about requests that are used as leverage. One example I am willing to give: if it DC's birthday, and we fly family members in for the birthday, we are expected to pay for all of them if we want them to attend and take part in DC's life once per year. Does anyone else experience this kind of manipulative behavior?

I believe it is in part due to a jealous sibling or two (on both sides) who relays that DH and I have money trees (or something?) to the rest of the family. The part that really bothers me is that if it were DH or I, DH and I know for certain that we would be on our own with no one to help, as so many times before. We ask nothing of our families, lest we be told of how difficult their lives are, blah, blah, blah....In fact, their lives are the least difficult of anyone we know, they just expect from us for some reason. Perhaps they resent us?

For the second part of the question, I believe I know the answer. Many will retort "find new friends!", but I find this behavior prevalent and the answer not so easy. If DH and I (for example) go out to eat with another couple, we are often expected to pay. Or, if there is a birthday, anniversary, holiday, we are expected to give outrageous gifts. One friend even wants us to throw her a lavish party with "benefits" we didn't even have at our our gorgeous wedding (that we paid for ourselves - friend did not and actually has no clue about money!) I am really discouraged and put out at this behavior. We help both DH and my families as mentioned above, while our friends parents are still supporting our friends! We don't have that luxury. We are not showy and most people would have no idea about our finances. For example, our cars are ten years old! You would have to be extremely nosy and delve really deep to find out. But we do not discuss money with our friends or family, period. BTW, I can not stand nosy people!

As I mentioned, we have turned down many of their ridiculous requests. How do you handle this type of manipulation? Sorry for the long post. I am just tired.

To even ask if you should help your parents or a family member or friend in need speaks volumes about you. You are a rich bitch. I have two friends, two different families, who have lost their jobs, houses, and cars. While I do not have your amount of wealth, I have sent them money, in a US postal money order, anonymously to help them over some rough spots and they have no idea where the money came from. I also send a monthly check to my parents as do my osister and brother. I have also sent money when I hear about someone in dire need for medical care, etc. Obviously, you are generous only with bragging about how much money you have and you sound unbelieveable unhappy. So happy this board is anonymous and I pray I dont know you. Ever hear of "Pay it Forward"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A *v e r y* wealthy friend once confided in me (after I mentioned wanting to reciprocate after a few really terrific meals that she'd insisted on paying for), "I wouldn't want to eat at any of the places you could afford."

We'd grown up together and were like sisters. I shrugged it off, but felt terrible when her actual sister gave a pointed tsk tsk after another dinner. I took it as heavy disapproval that I wasn't doing my share.

She didn't just set an expectation, she made it a rule.

That's one side of it (happened back in my 20s). The other side (after I finished grad school), I took over my parents' mortgage payment to free them up. They NEVER asked and it seemed like a simple thing to do.
Pay it forward, sure, but in your case I'd have to draw a line.

That's beautiful. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not a rich bitch and I don't know why people love that phrase some much.

For mooching friends- I know you don't want to hear "get new ones!," but seriously. If they are expecting you to buy them super nice, lavish presents just because you have more money, they gotsta go.

As for family- I do not think it's unreasonable to pay for the tickets of out-of-town family who cannot otherwise afford it, if you two are the ones inviting them. Don't invite your entire family to parties, just invite a few. Or, you know, them missing out on your child's birthday won't be the end of the world. If you have a once yearly family get together or something like that, they can see you and your kids then.

[Anonymous]

*why people love that phrase so much.

[Anonymous]

I'm with 13:45 in thinking there is a disconnect somewhere.

Is one of you a transplant surgeon? A well-know lobbyist? Have you ever said to your friends, "I was promoted to executive vice president of my corporation yesterday!"

Because otherwise, if you live in a "normal" size house, drive "normal" cars and are otherwise not ostentatious, I can't imagine why people are treating you this way. I can see it in families, if you both grew up working class, and you and DH were the siblings who "broke out" and became more financially successful. But your friends? It seems so strange to me that anyone, let alone multiple couples, would expect you to pick up the tab at a restaurant.

The friend who wants you to throw her a party? Either she has grandiose delusions or you are sending off signals without realizing it. Very strange situation.

[Anonymous]

Nope. We choose to spend our money more wisely than our relatives; thus, they wouldn't ask us for help nor would we give it.

I've never even heard of lending or giving a non relative a big sum of money.

[Anonymous]

14:49 - OP here. Agreed! DH and I paid for all of our colleges and every event ourselves. We do not apologize nor do we owe explanations for any of that. Our siblings were given every opportunity by our parents but have pretty much thrown those opportunities away.

I do notice that the more you give to some, the more they take, not everyone. We are lucky to be happy and healthy, though I am sorry for those who would like to think otherwise. I am especially happy for those who have done for themselves, that is just my bias. But we somehow have a hard time meeting others in the same boat. I wish we could!

[Anonymous]

OP, our HHI is insanely high due to my DH's career. My DH's parents are well off, but mine have spent their entire life savings on long term care for my mother, who is bedridden. My DH and I are now paying their expenses - to the tune of more than $200K per year. It upsets me greatly, although my DH takes it in stride. My sisters are grateful to us for doing this, as none of them can afford it. And not one of my other family members asks for a dime from us. Ever.

We also have many friends in government and nonprofit jobs here. We invite them to dinner, and always offer to pick up the tab. Almost all of our friends insist on splitting it, or they pick up the next one at a less expensive venue. It truly doesn't matter to us either way - we love to spend time with them.

While you were born with the family you have, you can find new friends. No one can take advantage of your without your permissions.