how much is too muuch to drink?

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks (I'm the poster with the alcoholic dad). I don't want to hijack your thread too much but what did it take for your brother to get clean? Did he have to hit that rock bottom first? I sent my dad a really heartfelt letter asking him to get help and all he replied was thanks and that he loved me too. I feel angry and hurt that he won't even acknowledge that he has a problem (he refuses to discuss it with my mom at all) and feel like he's choosing drinking over his children and beloved grandchildren. I know it's a disease but still...

Congrats to your brother! It gives me hope.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It absolutely took him hitting complete rock bottom. He had several short in-patient stints and detox clinics that never took. I'm not sure what exactly caused the epiphany, but it seemed like one day he finally realized that had pushed us all away and was literally going nowhere with his life, except for jail occasionally. Once it became a goal of his to get help, he took the initiative to get into a county rehab facility (there aren't many county-funded ones and the have a limited number of beds, so it took a lot of determination). He spent several months there, during which his best friend died of an overdoes. It was a huge kick in the ass.

Obviously your dad is functioning on a much higher level than that - at a certain point I felt like my brother could have died any day - seeing as he works. It actually sounds like it would even more difficult to prove to someone so high-functioning that there is a problem, but I encourage you to check out Al-Anon. The counselors we worked with throught my brother's program were so beneficial. I went from extreme resentment to being much more understanding about his disease. Genetically, it was the roll of the dice and it could have been me.

[Anonymous]

*Sorry for the typos - my phone is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he needs his doses adjusted, or something to augment in the evening. I have never had or seen a psych med work at exactly the same dosage for years- they often need to be adjusted. (I'm not a doctor, I just know a lot of folks who are open about these sorts of things).

He might still be working through "losing" you to the kids. He is still quite young and might be self-mothering with the booze. I recently weaned my DH of this, so I might be projecting my own life's drama (take it w/ a grain of salt).

Another disjointed thought that is useless if the coke is caffeine free, but... Rum and coke is a strange choice for calming down. The caffeine + alcohol might be interrupting his sleep enough to be feeding a bad loop.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't think that you are worrying for nothing and I don't think he is being sensitive to your background in using alcohol to cope with his problems. It is not recommended that you drink on Lexapro, if you do it needs to be very careful. I'd go with him to see the prescribing doc.
http://depression.emedtv.com/lexapro/alcohol-and-lexapro.html

Has he ever had any kind of therapy? Does he exercise at all? Do anything with friends that doesn't revolve around alcohol? Does he need a change in job situation?

If I were you my anxiety would be very high. I'd try to find a couples counselor who has a background in substance abuse and anxiety issues. You guys need to get a handle on better communication and some healthy coping strategies.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like self-medication. He should talk to his doctor honestly about how much he is drinking and get an adjustment in his meds.

[Anonymous]

OP, I see you've been involved with Al-Anon before in reference to your brother. Have you thought about talking about this problem with your husband in an Al-Anon group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But the thing is, OP's husband has clearly changed his behavior, from being a light drinker to one who is drinking nearly a bottle of wine per night. So I think OP has a good reason to be concerned - he is either self-medicating (to deal with depression or anxiety), or avoiding issues, or not talking about something that is bothering him. My DH did something similar, and it ended up being the impetus to get us into counseling and deal with some of the issues he had been hiding from me, including depression. (Not that I'm accusing OP of having marriage problems - that's just one example.)

OP here. This is really my cause for concern - I didn't even realize that I'd left that out of the original post. DH is on Lexapro for anxiety. He has always had anxiety but it wasn't until a couple of years ago that he went to the Dr. and started on medication. It has helped immensely, both him and I noticed the difference immediately. I am just worried about him and I am frustrated and I'm having a hard time explaining it to him. "You're drinking too much" is so vague and he never drinks to the point of being drunk, so perhaps all of the PPs are right - he isn't really drinking too much - but I guess I worry about the 'why' behind it all.

Drinking is not the problem them... it is a symptom. Address the true issue.

[Anonymous]

My father was a highly functioning alcoholic and clinically depressed, all untreated. He is dead. I am at risk and so are my children. It's not a joke. Get him help.

[Anonymous]

OP - My DH sounds very similar. He routinely will drink a bottle of wine a night, sometimes more. His behavior is unchanged, but it has bothered me for years. I've also tried to discuss it with him over the years, but nothing much changes for long. He has low-level chronic depression and is on meds for it and he claims the alcohol "enhances' the effect of the medication. I go back and forth all the time over whether I want to say something *again.*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if the lexapro helps with anxiety, why the need to have 2-3 drinks too? maybe he should try xanax.

Xanax can turn in to a much bigger problem way faster than 2-3 glasses a night .

But, then he wouldn't be self-medicating with alcohol, he'd actually be addressing the anxiety that's got him drinking so much.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, my husband did this claimed job was stressing him but he was really dealing with the stress of trying to hide an affair. Look a little deeper---sorry for the negativity. Also, guys try to drink wine at the same pace as beer which is really stupid and gets them very drunk so watch out for your kids if he is supervising them in the bath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a nondrinking family of alcoholics, meaning my parents' generation didn't drink anything because everyone else was alcoholic. So I have a very low tolerance for what seems like normal drinking. To get more in step with the rest of the country, I changed my litmus test to this:

Does drinking:

1) impair personality/behavior? (This includes slurring speech, not participating with kids/spouse, disengaging from other regular activities to drink instead).
2) cause the person to do something dangerous like drink and drive?
3) impair health?

If it doesn't do any of these, then fine. Drink away. 2-3 a day might be pushing it for a man on the health side of things, but that's all I can see "wrong" with it.

I come from a teetotaler fundamentalist Christian family, so when I met my husband and his family I was a little weirded out by the nightly drinking of wine, beer, or cocktails, simply because I wasn't used to it. Up to that point I had mostly imbibed to get drunk when I did drink, which is less healthy than moderate daily consumption. I agree with the test above. My DH has 2-3 beers or 2 beers & a cocktail most nights (over the course of 3+ hours), but he is not depressed, he does not get tipsy (except occasionally at a party), doesn't engage in dangerous behavior. My biggest quarrel with it is honestly the expense! But I enjoy a glass or two of wine most nights too.

But my DH was always like this from the time we met -- his drinking has not increased over time. And he is not on medication for depression. So, in your case there could be issues that could stand to be explored. I did just want to point out, though, that it is completely possible to be a happy, well adjusted, functional adult and have a few drinks in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But the thing is, OP's husband has clearly changed his behavior, from being a light drinker to one who is drinking nearly a bottle of wine per night. So I think OP has a good reason to be concerned - he is either self-medicating (to deal with depression or anxiety), or avoiding issues, or not talking about something that is bothering him. My DH did something similar, and it ended up being the impetus to get us into counseling and deal with some of the issues he had been hiding from me, including depression. (Not that I'm accusing OP of having marriage problems - that's just one example.)

To the OP, I hope you'll read this post and take it to heart. If your husband is drinking as much as you say for the reason you stated, it does sound like a problem in the making. I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but it's not the kind of situation for which "wait and see" is good. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will take increasingly more alcohol to help him have that same feeling. Over a period of time, it can have very harmful effects. It's of special concern if there's a family history of addiction, clinical depression, and/or compulsive behaviors. I'm guessing that you and your husband are fairly young with your future ahead of you. Don't let alcohol get a grip on your lives.

[Anonymous]

Op, just my 2 cents, but if he's drinking that regularly, he should really talk to his doctor about adjusting the lexapro dose. If he weren't taking rx, I don't know that 2-3 glasses is that big a deal, but lexapro really relaxes you (first-hand experience), and if he were on the correct dose he'd likely not be interested in drinking that much soothing wine. I have no idea if there's any medical basis for that - just a hunch! Good luck!