Women: Why do you preface your queries with "Dumb Question"?

[Anonymous]

Like many other cultural quirks, you might be wise not to put too much stock in this affectation. I am reminded of a Japanese friend who said, just because I bow and smile at you, doesn't mean I like or respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like many other cultural quirks, you might be wise not to put too much stock in this affectation. I am reminded of a Japanese friend who said, just because I bow and smile at you, doesn't mean I like or respect you.

There is more to this than just a cultural quirk. It has to do with sexism, gender expectations, etc.

[Anonymous]

Glad you're thinking about these things, OP. Have you thought about having a class discussion about this to make the girls (and boys) more aware of their behavior?

[Anonymous]

I work with mostly women and they do this all the time. Drives me nuts. My wife thank god does not, so I hope our daughter doesn't grow up thinking this type of questioning and speaking is appropriate.

Glad that the OP is raising this. It's so true.

[Anonymous]

Good rule of thumb is to discount 80% of what men say. It's an illusion. They often know only about 20% of what comes out of their mouths. And credit women with 80% more than what they seem to understand because you know they know so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good rule of thumb is to discount 80% of what men say. It's an illusion. They often know only about 20% of what comes out of their mouths. And credit women with 80% more than what they seem to understand because you know they know so much more.

huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good rule of thumb is to discount 80% of what men say. It's an illusion. They often know only about 20% of what comes out of their mouths. And credit women with 80% more than what they seem to understand because you know they know so much more.

huh?

C'mon, don't play dumb. Or mean. You understand what this person's trying to say...

[Anonymous]

Annoying spinoff - female co-workers who say "I'm sorry to bother you". Huh? I'm being paid for you to bother me!

What's up with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good rule of thumb is to discount 80% of what men say. It's an illusion. They often know only about 20% of what comes out of their mouths. And credit women with 80% more than what they seem to understand because you know they know so much more.

huh?

C'mon, don't play dumb. Or mean. You understand what this person's trying to say...

Yes I get the point that men must be dumb. What a nice way to address the issue of female self-confidence.

[Anonymous]

"You see a similar dynamic when new male hires routinely and assertively negotiate for higher starting salaries than their female peers. "

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high school teacher, I am constantly struggling to correct girls from prefacing their questions, comments, etc., with "This might not make sense, but..." or "I'm not sure, but..." or "I don't know if this is right...." The girls regularly question--or think that it is more attractive for them to doubt--their own assertions, questions, and ideas. I was made aware of this habit in a course on pedagogy and gender, and it certainly seems to bear out in the classroom.

I think your question comes under "dumb question."

Actually I think it's a brilliant and important question. I see grown women - ATTORNEYS - in MEETINGS preface their comments/questions this way and it kills me every time. I've never once heard a man do this. And it's like they've informed everyone at the meeting that they're not very smart and don't have anything worthwhile to contribute. It's learned. And it's heartbreaking. Kudos to you, OP, for trying to help your high schoolers with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You see a similar dynamic when new male hires routinely and assertively negotiate for higher starting salaries than their female peers. "

Ditto.

There was a thread a few weeks back about a woman who was promoted and given a puny raise. When she asked on DCUM if she should ask for a raise, almost all the responders said that she should STFU and be grateful that she still had a job in this economy. I am SURE that had she been a man and asked male friends, they would have all said, "Hell, yeah, you should ask for more! What's up with that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high school teacher, I am constantly struggling to correct girls from prefacing their questions, comments, etc., with "This might not make sense, but..." or "I'm not sure, but..." or "I don't know if this is right...." The girls regularly question--or think that it is more attractive for them to doubt--their own assertions, questions, and ideas. I was made aware of this habit in a course on pedagogy and gender, and it certainly seems to bear out in the classroom.

I think your question comes under "dumb question."

You are a perfect example in what is wrong with young women today. I hope HOPE you do not have daughters. It makes me angry when I see posts like this, because I know you're out there - and I worry that someone like you might come into contact with my daughter. She's out there, her mind open to the world, asking questions, wanting to know things...learning. And YOU, you evil BITCH, will shut her down. Because somewhere, some evil bitch did it to you. And you think it's ok to pass on.

You know what? Get some fucking self esteem and realize that we don't pick on other women. We lift them up. If you can't do that - at least leave our young girls alone.

I feel sorry for you, you were probably abused, or pushed around. But leave my daughter - all our daughters alone. Because you're already spoiled fruit. And I don't want somone rotten like you around my kid.

[SAM2]

Anonymous wrote:... I see grown women - ATTORNEYS - in MEETINGS preface their comments/questions this way and it kills me every time. I've never once heard a man do this ....

Never? I hear men do it quite often IRL. And below are a couple well-known examples from the movies that immediately jumped to mind when I started reading this thread.

Denzel Washington from the movie Philadelphia wrote:Now, explain it to me like I'm a four-year-old ....

Columbo the detective wrote:There are a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up. Nothing important you understand.

Just one more thing ...

I agree there are different expectations and contexts when men do it -- IMO they often say things like this for effect or for strategic reasons. But I don't think it's accurate to say men never do it. Also, while I agree many women do it out of insecurity, I've also seen plenty of women "play dumb" for strategic reasons.

It's difficult to generalize too much about these things, or to assume you always know why people are phrasing their comments in particular ways.

BTW, I really liked the comment above about the friend from Japan that said something like "just because I bow to you, don't assume I respect you." That's excellent.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I think that's great.
On boards, woman will often end a strong opinion with "My two cents."
Not necessary!
Also woman are constantly saying, I'm sorry, can I have this, do this, see this.
You are doing a wonderful thing, making these young women aware of this self-perpetuating meekness.