My friend sent over her sick kid

[Anonymous]

I have one friend for whom I continually spell it out: if the kids are not sick, then we can get together. She takes different interpretations of it, anyway. Some people are just hell bent on looking out for themselves and to me, that is no kind of friend.

I have a situation where (without going into too much detail, by choice) I have to minimize my exposure to certain things. There are people who know this and simply do not care. If certain people are that inconsiderate OP, just minimize your contact with them. It just doesn't seem worth the trouble sometimes, especially if an illness in your family takes a much greater toll than it would on theirs. Some people do anything to pawn off their kid if their kid has been home sick a couple days. If they can't handle their own kids, that doesn't have to make it your problem. It doesn't have to be at your expense. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

How is this even an issue?

If you didn't want to deal with it, you could have so easily said "I hope he feels better. See you guys next time!" and been done with it.

Why all of the grudge-holding and seething?

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel for you. I've had a few playdates where an hour in the mom tells me she didn't take her son to X,Y, Z because he was so sick - so she called us instead. I mean - at least tell me upfront so I can decide if we should take the risk.

I don't mind if the person is upfront and gives notice, but putting you in the role of having to take a sick kid OR tell the kid he is too sick is just wrong. Especially if you were just fighting your own illness battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this even an issue?

If you didn't want to deal with it, you could have so easily said "I hope he feels better. See you guys next time!" and been done with it.

Why all of the grudge-holding and seething?

If you read OP's posts, it's pretty clear that her friend did not give her the time/opportunity to really respond. OP wasn't actually ASKED if it was OK, she was TOLD about it, and it can be hard to speak up quickly in that type of situation. I'm a pretty assertive person but I've been there many times. I think this is why OP is pissed and feels manipulated, and I don't blame her.

[Anonymous]

As the saying goes, "No good deed goes unpunished." OP, your offer to take your friends kids was really nice and it stinks that your friend clearly took advantage.

I agree in the future you have to stick up for yourself and your own wishes, but as someone who also has trouble doing that, I feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

Tough crowd today, OP. According to some, it's your own fault you're taken advantage of. to others, you're overreacting. Sheesh!

I've already learned, and my son is only 16 months old, that people have very different ideas of what is socially acceptable to do with a sick child. I think it is one thing to go to school or daycare, which one has to expect will be germy enough. But sending a sick child to someone's house or on a trip with someone is a bit of a different matter. In addition to the illness, it put OP in a heckova position having to decide if another kid, who she doesn't know inside and out like her own kids, is sick or well enough to attend a function. and then if he was too sick, she is left to be the bad guy and break the news! I wouldn't mind telling the mom what-for, but I wouldn't want to disappoint a child, who isn't to blame for his mom's decision, after all.

OP's friend certainly should have phoned earlier. I think I would have gently told this friend that I felt a bit stuck and taken aback by the mom's decision. But yeah, OP, people are different. In the grand scheme of things, I think you did the right thing. I'm sure the boy really appreciated going to the function. I do hope your children don't get sick again, though! As another PP said, no good deed goes unpunished...

[Anonymous]

Was he running a fever? I'm guessing no since he was at school. Chances are he was fine to go with you. At what point do you draw the line? I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

With a fever free child, I draw the line by asking the child himself, if he feels up to going on the outing.

[Anonymous]

Point is, s/he is STILL contagious without a fever! Hello?! Some of us can not afford to be exposed, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She basically told me to assess how he was doing when I picked him up and tell him whether I thought he should go or "Just give him Motrin."

What if you had assessed that he was not well enough to go? How would he have gotten home?

This was your opportunity to say, "Based on what you've just now told me, I would prefer not to bring him along. Sounds like he might really be coming down with something! So if I were to approach this the way I do with my own child, I strongly recommend that Joey not come along and he spend a relaxing evening at home just in case."

I too, struggle with knowing when my own child is really getting sick or if she just has some sort of low-grade sniffle or cold that won't escalate and won't impede her socializing. Generally, I don't like to pull her out of activities that I know she'd enjoy! But sometimes we don't assess the situation right. In fact, last Christmas my husband and I observed her unusual crankiness and very slight fever and thought, "Oh, she's just tired from the flight over and over-excited; she'll be fine after a night's sleep." And then by 11pm that evening, a raging fever and an ear infection developed, and we spent Christmas morning in the emergency room of an out-of-state hospital. Heh. Poor kid, she's stuck with such ignorant parents.

[Anonymous]

Although if the OP's story is genuine, I tend to agree with the others, let me offer one other alternative:

My SIL and I are good friends. We have five kids between us. The families like to get together for brunch/dinner/playtime with some frequency, and if we waited for everyone to be sniffle free, we would flat out never see each other. So we frequently call each other and say, "Jimmy has a moderate cold but no fever today... do you still want us to come?" I'm not trying to hoist my parenting decisions on her (if Jimmy is REALLY sick, I just call and cancel)... but then it gives her an opportunity to weigh what is coming up in her life next week, and whether a "moderate cold" (should it transfer to her kids), is something she can deal with or not.

I think it works for us because neither one of us are germaphobes, but we also realize that some times are more inconvenient than others to deal with a sick child. So, generally, unless we are about to get on a plane or something... moderate sicknesses (no fever, no vomiting) don't phase us much.

While I mostly believe OP's story, the fact that she is so incapable of handling this issue herself makes me question whether this other woman really is quite as bad as described. Frequently, I think people make the other person out to be the Devil incarnate when they feel put upon, and really they're mad that they didn't handle it better.

OP - next time, don't take the bait. Say one of two things: "Joan, if he's sick I'd really prefer he not come with us, so why don't you have someone (else) pick him up and take him home." Or, "Joan, since you saw him this morning, and he's your child, you really need to make the call about whether he can come or not. I'm just not in a position to evaluate it."

This really isn't so hard. The friend may have been pushy (too pushy) in this situation. But the OP had a chance to (gently) push back and didn't. If you didn't think fast enough on the phone, that is understandable... but it's really not as if the friend held a gun to your head.