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My friend sent over her sick kid
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Anonymous
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I'm so irritated with one of my friends. I made special plans to pick up her kids from school and take them to a special holiday show with my kids. She calls me 5 minutes before I am due to pick up her son and says, "He doesn't feel well, his ears were hurting this morning, and his head hurts but he said he wanted to go to school so he wouldn't miss going with you tonight." She basically told me to assess how he was doing when I picked him up and tell him whether I thought he should go or "Just give him Motrin." She knows that we have had someone sick in our family at least once a week for the past six weeks, that I have been stressing about how much school my kids have missed, and that I just got over flu and pneumonia. Her nod to that was, "I figure that whatever he has is something you guys have had already." WTF?!!! Not so coincidentally, she had a big meeting at work yesterday that I know she didn't want to miss. I feel like it was more about that than anything.
My irritation is about a few things -- She couldn't call me in the morning to ask me how I felt about it? Calling 5 minutes before made me feel manipulated. Also, I have to be the person to tell her kid that he can't come with us? That sucks. I ended up giving her son Motrin and taking him with us, but seething and anticipating being really upset if one of my kids gets this latest illness. What's done is done but I definitely don't want to be in this situation ever again. Any suggestions going forward? |
Anonymous
| These kids are in school, right? They are already in a petrie dish of germs and viruses. Relax. |
Anonymous
I agree with this.... |
Anonymous
| See I don't get this. I would have absolutely no problem telling this friend "no". I'm sorry but we've had too much illness so NO! Yes they are at school with tons of germs but this is direct contact with a child that you know for certain is sick...and it's not your problem. The way I think about this stuff now instead of feeling guilty is, they had no problem bothering me so why do I care about care about making it alright for them? |
Anonymous
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If you don't like it, tell her that next time he can't come over when he is sick.
Personally, I think a lot of people over-react with regards to not being around sick people. A head ache or ear ache is not necessarily contagious. In the end, it's your house. And it sounds like a sick kid is more of an inconvenience (rightfully, so - again your house, your time, etc) than an actual concern over him getting other kids sick. If you aren’t going to tell her, than get over it. |
Anonymous
| What a lame mother to tell a friend to decide if her kid is too sick to go or not. She sounds like th type of person who needs someone to tell her what to do. So go ahead and tell her to take charge of her own child and make this decision herself. That's what is appropriate here. Also, you should feel free to to take charge of your family as well and say no to taking the sick kid. |
Anonymous
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I think you have cause to be concerned because it is totally unclear what would have happened if this child had been too sick to go to this event. Would everyone have stayed home because of his illness/fever? What was the plan for this?
I think you need to talk to her, in a friendly way, and say...I'm a little confused about today. I don't get what the plan was if Jack had really been sick...would you have come home from work? I had non-refundable tickets for the kids and I wouldn't have been able to stay with him. Something along those lines. It sounds like she kind of takes you for granted. It's good that you two have the kind of friendship where you can really rely on each other but sometimes things do have to be spelled out. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like she is taking advantage of you - you are her free babysitter for the evening. We had a neighbor who consistently brought her daughter over with high fevers and colds. Obviously contagious. Our DS was catching every cold out there and I had missed so much work, was stressed out because DH was traveling and I had another major deadline (all of this she knew) and yet there she was knocking at our door. One look at her daughter I could tell she had a fever (glassy eyes). When I asked her she said "no" so I told her I would get a themometer to check seeing as I couldn't afford another day off work. She got offended at me and hasn't talked to me since. As far as I'm concerned that's fine. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I kept allowing her to come over and infect my kid- making my life miserable - she was taking advantage of me. While I miss her friendship if she can't handle the fact that some of us don't need or want ANOTHER cold then I don't need her as a friend. Stick up for yourself- otherwise it will happen over and over again. |
Anonymous
This, 100%. Though, I understand that it would be tough to bring it up. |
Anonymous
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PP here. I saw my friend again today (our kids go to the same schools) and her DS is home with a fever, body aches, and a headache. Though I can see why someone would think it from the initial post, I am not a germ-a-phobe and don't freak out when my kids are in contact with people with regular illnesses. I accept that they'll get sick and that there's little I can do to try and control that. I guess my friend's thinking is so far from my own, though, that I was taken aback.
For starters, if my kid had a fever or looked obviously sick, I would have kept him home and called her, apologizing for messing up her evening plans, and asking if there was anything I could do (pay for it or whatever). That would also give her time to ask another of her kid's friends. If I somehow sent him to school, I would have called her in the morning and said, "Hey, how do you feel about this?" Lastly, I don't really understand how any intelligent person could draw the conclusion that my kids have probably had the same illness at some point in the last six weeks simply because the illnesses involved a fever. She's rationalizing big time with that one. Thanks for the variety of replies, though. It sounds like many of you don't find her actions that objectionable so I won't stew and will just speak up next time. |
Anonymous
I would have been super-annoyed by her foisting her parenting issue on you. She should have taken charge and either kept her kid home, or called you that morning. Definitely speak up next time. |
Anonymous
| I think her actions are objectionable, but sounds like she was stressed and rationalizing/in denial/irrationally hoping for the best. If she is otherwise a good friend and this was a one-off, I'd chalk it up to an error in judgment on her part born of massive stress. If it is pattern of behavior, you have to put your foot down. |
Anonymous
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If they are school age, I agree with PP.
On the note of school age and sickness, however, PLEASE teach your kids to cover their sneezes/coughs with their arm and wash their hands semi-often. Please teach them how to use and throw away a tissue and to NOT pick their nose (G-R-O-S-S). Isn't that part of our basic job as parents? If we could at least try to minimize germs instead of feigning ignorance, that would work. |
Anonymous
OP, I do not understand why you did not say "no, if he is sick, he cannot go." and leave it at that. She used you but you rolled out a red carpet for her to do so. One of the most important lessons you can learn is to say "No." You don't need to explain. |
Anonymous
Not OP but I think this is why she felt manipulated by only having 5 minutes' notice of what was going on. It's hard to come up with the right response when you are caught off guard like that and don't have a chance to think. (Which is quite likely why the friend did it that way.) |