Need to vent - just TOTALLY OVERWHELMED

[Anonymous]

OP here. Heh. Yup, definitely raising an allergy-free kid over here. Sigh. And I'm interested in the every other night bath idea. It would be nice to skip. But I guess I feel this pressure to be consistent about our bedtime ritual since he's not the best sleeper etc. What has been you're experience with the importance of that? Already I only wash his hair every other night so I could see cutting back... unless there was a blow out that day .

In terms of DH and a day off.. he only gets one a week. It's a Monday and he keeps DS home. It's their time together. He is great to run errands or sacrifice that day (much better about it than I can be) but we try as much as possible to keep his tasks limited so that he gets quality time with our son. That said, I can't remember the last time he was errand free on his day off. It just never seems to end you know?

And I love our dog. But I petitioned DH to get rid of the cat. Let me tell you how SO badly that went. So bad.

Do you think anyone out there has it easy? I mean, it seems like if you can afford the help you need, then you're working longer hours, but if you can't you're making up for it by doing those tasks yourself. It seems no-win.

That said, I helped myself to two beers tonight and watched some TV while I worked. It was inefficient working time but I'm feeling a bit better. It's 12:45 though, so you see what I mean? I just needed some chill time and that's gotten me in no sleep land yet again.

I need an extra 5 hours a day somehow. Someone needs to invent something that will do that.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you. Just went back to work after our 1st. He is 5 months. Have to get to work by 7:30 and often do not leave until 6:30 if not later. My husband leaves the house by 8:30, but does not come home until 8:30pm. Then the routine starts. I have not it the wall yet, but feel so sad that DC never sees us. How did I become THAT parent?!

[Anonymous]

This sounds nasty but here it is: we gated off the living room and made sure THAT was sparkly clean and cat fur-free for DS to crawl in. The rest of the house, well, we let that go. A lot. I have a twice a month housekeeper and that really helps. The upshot of this advice: find the one part of your after-work routine that you're OK with jettisoning for a few months, and go with that.

Oh, and I deliberately cut my quality time with DH until he realized that I wasn't just being a witch, but I was actually doing stuff around the house instead of hanging out with him. That got his butt in gear. Now he cleans the kitchen after dinner and folds laundry, two chores I hate more than anything and he's really good at. He gets to fold laundry while zoning out in front of the TV. that works for us.

[Anonymous]

Call in sick, send the baby to daycare. Rest, relax. Get the baby early only if you fee like. NO GUILT. You are going to burn out!

[Anonymous]

I have never understood how people work, care for a young child, and manage pets. But I guess I am in the minority. I had your life with longer working hours and no pets until DD2 was born and it was unutterably draining.

[Anonymous]

The only way I manage life is by working part-time. And yes, i realize how lucky I am to have this option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you are not looking for answers, good thing because I don't have any! I will say that you are doing one (probably more than one) thing that is GREAT for your baby! You are only leaving your baby for what seems like 8 hours. MANY families in you position keep their kids at daycare for more than 10 hours a day. I hope things will get better for you!

You know, I think this was meant well, but it is such a backhanded compliment and an insult to parents that have good care for their children but the kids are in care for a longer day. The implication is that daycare is something to be endured for the minimum amount of time possible. If I arrive to pick up my 2 year old before or right at 4:30, she is generally in the middle of something interesting and annoyed at being picked up too soon. Also, I think children left in daycare more than 10 hours is a rarity. Maybe it is prevalent in the burbs because parents have miserable commutes and prefer their children to be in the calm of daycare over stuck in traffic, but in my experience with urban daycare 10 hours is a rare occurrence.

Ouch, this was a slap in my face. I do leave DS at daycare for about 10 hours a day 7:20-5:ish. He is 10 mos and I am just as bogged down as OP. It seems like I have even less help from DH as he rarely helps in the morning and is usually working all night. I miss DS so much during the day but I have no choice but to work. This thread has bummed me out this AM.

[Anonymous]

OP I so hear you on all fronts. I have a 4 month old DD and I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with work and home tasks that I can hardly function.
There are days when I just sit in my car after dropping off DD and I just cry and cry because I wish I didn't have such a demanding job and I could spend more time with her. My house is a disaster and we can't afford any help so everything falls on my shoulders to "fix."

I'm so sorry. I have no advice, just hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP I so hear you on all fronts. I have a 4 month old DD and I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with work and home tasks that I can hardly function.
There are days when I just sit in my car after dropping off DD and I just cry and cry because I wish I didn't have such a demanding job and I could spend more time with her. My house is a disaster and we can't afford any help so everything falls on my shoulders to "fix."

I'm so sorry. I have no advice, just hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP - the problem with getting off work so early is that you truly have a double day. We don't get home until 6:15 most nights (DD is in daycare at DH's work so he does pick up and we time it so we are all getting home at the same time) and while I wish I could have more time at night with my daughter, I do think it is less exhausting than putting in a full day at work and then getting home and putting in hours as a mom and then having to do MORE WORK at night because of all the things that came up after 4:30.

To be fair, my attitude is a little different because I worked PT for the first two years of my child's life, so I feel like I got a bunch of extra time that many WMs don't get (we weren't able to financially sustain PT hours and my position was ending and I needed to work, I luckily got a great FT position for the same company). I wonder if one day a week you could work longer and so not have to feel so pulled in both directions every day?

I don't want to make it seem that the solution is less time with your children, but sometimes, it is to avoid feeling like you have to be a SAHM and WM every day. If you can leave early a few days a week, great, but that sounds exhausting every day when you are clearly not getting all your work done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Heh. Yup, definitely raising an allergy-free kid over here. Sigh. And I'm interested in the every other night bath idea. It would be nice to skip. But I guess I feel this pressure to be consistent about our bedtime ritual since he's not the best sleeper etc. What has been you're experience with the importance of that? Already I only wash his hair every other night so I could see cutting back... unless there was a blow out that day .

In terms of DH and a day off.. he only gets one a week. It's a Monday and he keeps DS home. It's their time together. He is great to run errands or sacrifice that day (much better about it than I can be) but we try as much as possible to keep his tasks limited so that he gets quality time with our son. That said, I can't remember the last time he was errand free on his day off. It just never seems to end you know?

And I love our dog. But I petitioned DH to get rid of the cat. Let me tell you how SO badly that went. So bad.

Do you think anyone out there has it easy? I mean, it seems like if you can afford the help you need, then you're working longer hours, but if you can't you're making up for it by doing those tasks yourself. It seems no-win.

That said, I helped myself to two beers tonight and watched some TV while I worked. It was inefficient working time but I'm feeling a bit better. It's 12:45 though, so you see what I mean? I just needed some chill time and that's gotten me in no sleep land yet again.

I need an extra 5 hours a day somehow. Someone needs to invent something that will do that.

We've almost always done every other night baths and DD has always been fine with it. All kids are different but sometimes I think the need for a consistent "ritual" is a little overblown. Give it a shot and see how he reacts.

As to your question, I wouldn't say I have it "easy" but I also don't think I struggle as much as alot of people. Here are the things I do to keep my life sane, I know these aren't options for everyone but maybe there are some adjustments you can make, esp. to your work schedule?

-- I work from home one day/week. I usually get more work done without the commute and constant distractions, and I'm able to get some laundry done, start dinner, and in general just not rush around for a day.

--I work half day on Friday. Sometimes I spend that time with DD, others I use it to do errands, others I just do things for my self. With NO GUILT. I think that is the key. So many parents are consumed with guilt if they drop their kid and school and just take time for themselves. Not me. I see it as a critical step for me being a better parent. I'm less stressed, more patient, and more present with my kid when we are together.

--I pay for a housecleaner every other week. I know you said you can't afford it, but there comes a point where you really need to think about money vs. stress. We found a woman who cleans on her own (not part of a company) and has very reasonable rates, often cheaper than the deals you see on Groupon. Seriously, esp. with pets in your house, I think you should really reconsider this one.

--What about the idea of taking turns getting up with the kid? It seems like you can all use some more sleep. DH and I each sleep in one morning on the weekends and its awesome. I know you can't do that on the weekends but couldn't you get some extra zzzz's some mornings during the week? Most people need more than six hours sleep per night.

Not sure what else to say. Sounds like your husband's schedule sucks, I suppose there's no way to change that?

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to commiserate and let you know you're not alone. And we're only on kid #1...

[Anonymous]

Of course you're overwhelmed, OP! Here's what I've learned to do.

1) CUT THE NIGHTLY BATH. With a baby you can even go every 3 nights. This is in fact better for the baby because they are so susceptible to dry skin. The bedtime routine does NOT need to include a bath - honestly it's only the last 20 minutes of the routine that count (books, rocking, feeding, bed - that kind of thing).

2) Simplify dinner. Can you meet DH at work or somewhere in the middle and grab a bite at Chipotle or Panera? Can you grab some take-out on your way home? Order pizza once a week, too. And for eat-in nights, keep it simple and easy.

3) Put DS in daycare 5 days a week. If your daycare is like mine, the cost of this is only slightly more than the four days he's currently there. Make DH a honey-do list. He can always pick up DS early if he gets stuff done.

4) STOP WORKING AT NIGHT. If you can't do your job in an 8-hour day, you need to talk to your boss. Propose 2 days a week working from home - BAM, there's your 2 hours back because you don't commute. If you can make up work at night, you can certainly have AT LEAST one day of working from home, especially if you plan for it.

5) Babysitting co-op: Find other moms/friends who can switch off saturday nights or mornings with you. It'll give you a chance to relax and get stuff done but you can also have a friend for your baby when you're home together. Do you have family in the area? We rely heavily on grandparents for relief on the weekend, especially if one of us is out of town.

6) Work later when you need to. Even if you do #4, you might need to stay until 5 or 5:30 some nights. Those nights, have DH make dinner and have it ready for when you get home. He can feed the baby in the meantime (self-feeding is both a wonderful skill and a great way to keep the baby entertained! It's a great age )

7) Alternate bedtimes with DH. Then, one of you has a night off, every night. On bath nights, whoever does bath doesn't do bedtime - but whatever works for you is fine. We also have whoever has the night off, cleans up dinner. Of course that never takes as long as bedtime (but you can get lunches packed, etc. and have time to relax once DH is done bedtime).

8) I second the PP who recommended the BABY CAGE! Superyard XT's are great. We have a Fisher price toddler ball toy that DS can pull himself up on. You just plunk the baby in and they're good to go while you're prepping dinner, getting changed, switching laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you are not looking for answers, good thing because I don't have any! I will say that you are doing one (probably more than one) thing that is GREAT for your baby! You are only leaving your baby for what seems like 8 hours. MANY families in you position keep their kids at daycare for more than 10 hours a day. I hope things will get better for you!

You know, I think this was meant well, but it is such a backhanded compliment and an insult to parents that have good care for their children but the kids are in care for a longer day. The implication is that daycare is something to be endured for the minimum amount of time possible. If I arrive to pick up my 2 year old before or right at 4:30, she is generally in the middle of something interesting and annoyed at being picked up too soon. Also, I think children left in daycare more than 10 hours is a rarity. Maybe it is prevalent in the burbs because parents have miserable commutes and prefer their children to be in the calm of daycare over stuck in traffic, but in my experience with urban daycare 10 hours is a rare occurrence.

Ouch, this was a slap in my face. I do leave DS at daycare for about 10 hours a day 7:20-5:ish. He is 10 mos and I am just as bogged down as OP. It seems like I have even less help from DH as he rarely helps in the morning and is usually working all night. I miss DS so much during the day but I have no choice but to work. This thread has bummed me out this AM.

I totally agree - whoever posted the original thought - that was just mean spirited and nasty. My child is in daycare for around 9-10 hours a day and that is the best I can do. However, he is in a great environment and advanced verbally etc for his age, if VERY loved etc - so to all the other parents that have no choice - don't listen to this person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you are not looking for answers, good thing because I don't have any! I will say that you are doing one (probably more than one) thing that is GREAT for your baby! You are only leaving your baby for what seems like 8 hours. MANY families in you position keep their kids at daycare for more than 10 hours a day. I hope things will get better for you!

You know, I think this was meant well, but it is such a backhanded compliment and an insult to parents that have good care for their children but the kids are in care for a longer day. The implication is that daycare is something to be endured for the minimum amount of time possible. If I arrive to pick up my 2 year old before or right at 4:30, she is generally in the middle of something interesting and annoyed at being picked up too soon. Also, I think children left in daycare more than 10 hours is a rarity. Maybe it is prevalent in the burbs because parents have miserable commutes and prefer their children to be in the calm of daycare over stuck in traffic, but in my experience with urban daycare 10 hours is a rare occurrence.

Ouch, this was a slap in my face. I do leave DS at daycare for about 10 hours a day 7:20-5:ish. He is 10 mos and I am just as bogged down as OP. It seems like I have even less help from DH as he rarely helps in the morning and is usually working all night. I miss DS so much during the day but I have no choice but to work. This thread has bummed me out this AM.

Me too. I have no choice but to leave my kids with their childcare (au pair, not day care) 10 hours every day - and I am gone almost an hour before that 10-hour stretch even begins. Frankly, we need my income to keep the household running, so that's life for now. I can't cut back - my paycheck pays the mortgage, buys the broceries, keeps the lights on. Let's focus on helping the OP, not denigrating other moms who have reduced options when it comes to childcare and time out of the house. I think most of us would prefer to be with our kids more if we could - it doesn't help to have someone else judge us for not being able to do so.