My SIX year old refuses to wear pants in this weather

[Anonymous]

I totally get the embarrassment issue, OP. It is tough and, as much as we may know that fear of embarrassment should not drive our behavior, it can be hard to let it go. My kids embarrass me in a number of ways!

I was going to ask if you think that part of the problem might be difficulty with transitions? My kids struggle with each seasonal transition (sneakers to sandals as much as sandals to sneakers). I think they just get in a comfort zone and have trouble switching. Since I have seen it happen so many times, I am confident that we'll get over it in a matter of days or weeks, but it is still a struggle. I tend to push them more on a weekend when I don't worry that their mood might affect the day at school.

On a different note re: sensory issues, they really are frustratingly inconsistent. I would classify my oldest as having mild sensory issues but sometimes they seem to flare up and become extreme. It may be that two or three things together cause something to be overwhelming, but typically it is anxiety that causes him to become more sensitive. I have gotten better at predicting his responses as I have learned more about them--and that helps a lot.

In any case, whether the problem is sensory, stubbornness, an issue with change or a combination of all, I do think the best response is to empathize as much as you can with the feeling (as absurd as it may seem to us, it is real for him!) at the same time that you make your limits absolutely clear (like you might say, he must wear long pants if it is below 45 or whatever) AND try to empower him to fix his problem. People have suggested taking him shopping and letting HIM pick. Also, maybe today after school say, "The house rule is that everyone wears long pants below X degrees. It is supposed to be X degrees on Sat. What do you think you can do that day?" Sometimes helping him prepare and take charge a little can work magic.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the grown up and you do not let a 6 yr. old rule the roost. If he doesn't do what you tell him to do then he stays home all day and doesn't get to do anything else but stay in his room, read or look at a couple of books, have his lunch and dinner, and no snacks. If you allow him to run over you at 6 what do you think he will be doing when he is 16. Stop letting the tail wag the dog and let him know that you are the boss.

[Anonymous]

I SOOOOOOO AGREE WITH THE PP. OP CALL THE KID ON HIS BLUFF. YOU MSKE HIM WEAR THE PANTS

[Anonymous]

That's right PPs - show your kid who is boss by holding him down and forcing him to wear something he doesn't want.

OP - this seems to be a common issue among six year olds - mine is exactly the same way.

[Anonymous]

My 5.5 DS is exactly the same, and wore pants to school for the first time this year only 2 days ago, when he agreed that if he could see ice on the car in the morning, it was time to wear pants. He's not cold, so I don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, when I was growing up, we wore skirts with no tights (Catholic school) throughout the winter in Pennsylvania. Makes me cold just thinking about it now!

[Anonymous]

Oh, I have heard about this sensority thing... a friend of mine has a child whom she said couldn't stand to wear most underpants. She bought every kind she could get her hads on until an acceptable brand was found...

Any advice from the neuropsychologists on the board?

[Anonymous]

OP -- I disagree with the "You show him who's boss" posters. You are on the right track.

I am firm on behavior issues, especially those that affect other children. I am lenient on clothing issues, especially those that just affect my child's own comfort.

I'd suggest staying low-key. Remove your emotiona and ego from his choice of whether to wear shorts or long pants. IN a low stress time you can mention to him the following points:

1) How he dresses is his own choice (within limits of appropriateness -- he can't wear a clown suit to school!)
2) In your experience, most people like having warm legs and arms in the winter months. Even in school. It helps them focus more energy on school work and less on staying warm.
3) But maybe he is different. Or maybe his classroom is overheated? Or maybe HE focuses better when he is slightly chilly? You are open to hearing about how he personally feels he learns and pays attention best.
4) There are different style of pants. There are jeans, sweatpants, slippery pants, long underwear.... all sorts.
5) Within reason, you'll help him find a style of long pants he might be interested in -- if he wants.

And see where the discussion goes from there. I don't think there's a health issue to wearing shorts or long pants, so to me, this isn't a battle I'd pick.

If you are going somewhere outside for a long time, I WOULD Tell him you are going to bring some long pants for him to wear if he gets cold.... he needs to pick out a pair because you aren't coming back. I woudln't insist he wear them, but just that he bring them, and change on his own if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Can't you pack away the shorts and tell him "shorts season" is over now here and he needs to wear some type of pants - that he can chose which kind/type of pants?

[Anonymous]

If he likes that nylon feel I'd try acrylic sweatpants rather than cotton. How about something like heavy cargo pants? Many kids with sensory issues want super soft and loose, sounds like he does not like that. Think track suits maybe? Almost no kids with sensory issues like jeans. Also sounds like he doesn't like the feeling of soft fabric on his thighs if he wanted the pants over shorts - maybe try nylon briefs for underwear? Or could wearing nylon pants over boxer briefs feel like the shorts combo? I'd take him shopping at a mall that has an LL Bean, an Old Navy and an athletic store and have him try stuff on and tell you what he likes. Then buy a lot and put the out of season clothes away. How are your shoe and sock issues?

[Anonymous]

My DS's 9 and 11 wear shorts year round. Yes. Even when it is 30 degrees and raining. They will tolerate a sweatshirt with t-shirt under it in the winter months. They will wear a ski parka and or a rain shell. Only when there is actual snow on the ground will they wear pants. And then it has to be ski pants or some kind of vented sweat wicking fabric and it has to have pockets. Lots of them. So. They each have two pairs of shorts 2 pairs of rain/snow pants. Done. They don't get sick any more often than other children--they just are impervious to cold weather. I am the same way.

Why fight about this?

[Anonymous]

I would ignore the "you're the parent" and "call his bluff" posters. This sounds like a sensory issue rather than a power struggle. I would let his teachers know what's going on and let him wear shorts (while trying out some of PP's good suggestions). It might just be a matter of finding that one, perfect pair of pants that doesn't bother him, but that can be a long and trying search, I know. I second the recommendation for Hanna Anderson underpants...no tags or seams and very soft cotton.

[Anonymous]

To echo the Pennsylvanian poster...I lived in the UK as a kid, where the school uniforms often dictate skirts (girls) or shorts (boys) well into the freezing cold weather season. I'm always cold and was then, and hated it, but the Brits seemed to survive. Does your son have a cool accent?

Also, and it sounds like this is the opposite of what most of the folks with sensory issue knowledge are saying, have you tried tights? Maybe the feeling of something tight against his skin would be more comfortable than loose and 'soft'? Though if he wasn't interested in wearing pants over them, that could introduce it's own troubles.

Good luck! Sounds like you're figuring it out and have your head on straight.

[Anonymous]

In addition to cliched, repetitious, and utterly unhelpful, the "you're the mom-call his bluff posters" seem be poor readers. What gives you the idea that OP has not tried taking the hard-line standard discipline kind of thing? (Her description of him clinging to the door frame has the ring of truth.) And if your only answer is, "the fact that he won," then read a parenting book or two, talk to an expert or a psychologist, or try putting yourself in someone else's shoes for once. I have one kid who withers and obeys at the sound of a stern voice or even a good hard look. Maybe your kids are like him. This kid makes me feel like discipline is easy. But try that stuff on my other and you get nothing. Try drawing a line in the sand and he digs his heels in deeper than you could possibly imagine and will never--I mean, never--give in. He'd rather lose privileges, take time outs, and restart the battle tomorrow. Try something harsher (like yelling) and he totally loses it. I haven't tried hitting him, but it is pretty obvious how that would work. Our life is so much happier and easier (and yes, blessed with more compliance and cooperation) since I started to acknowledge my child's particular challenges, showed him compassion along with the firm boundaries, and showed him respect. So-called traditional parenting might be great for some--though even that is probably debatable--but it was worthless and even had a negatively effect on my son.