DH is obsessed with respect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is emotionally immature. People miss the signs of emotional immaturity in men because they are treated as children until they are 30 or so, and then suddenly they are expected to act like adults and have no skills.

The rigidity here is the big problem. Look at his family dynamics and how he and his family talk about his childhood and young adulthood. When he would run into difficult people (other kids, teachers, early bosses, etc.) would he be encouraged to find ways two work with them or simply told "yeah those people are bad, they don't get you"? Are his parents good at conflict resolution, do they have a dynamic where his dad is very rigid and demanding and his mom is a pushover? All of this will help you understand why he's like this.

Also I suggest going to therapy and talking through these issues. It will help you figure out your own role. Are you unwittingly playing the role of enabler that his parents played before you? Have you been making things easier for him socially for years by apologizing for him, managing a social schedule that plays to his strengths, etc.? You need to look at your own role because none of this will change unless you also change.

Then you need to start talking with him about why this is a problem. He might surprise you and be willing to do the work. My husband was. But he'd also shown the ability to do the work in the past -- he'd learned social skills in college and had a good group of friends who reinforced those skills, he'd just reverted to his upbringing with we got married and had kids. So for us it was a question of leaning into the behaviors he'd already started to learn and just getting him to apply them in a family context. And I had to work on my people pleasing tendencies and learn to speak up sooner when his rigidity was becoming hard to deal with, instead of enabling him until the problem was critical.

It's possible it's not salvageable and you need to move on. Do you have kids? That will influence how you handle this. I was highly motivated to make it work because we have kids so we are tied to each other no matter what. I also think our kids helped DH motivate because he realized he didn't want to repeat negative family dynamics and also realized that if he didn't change his behavior, our kids would not want anything to do with him as an adult, just like doesn't want anything to do with his parents.

A lot of PPs get it. And I appreciate your comments. This one hits the nail on the head. Who was your therapist? I have adult kids who are in college and summer abroad programs and they push back on him and he backs down. But if I do it, he gets defensive and fights back. I am looking for a job. He wasn’t like this when I met him. He treated me like a queen which was probably a signal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to his face

I would love to do this but I am terrified to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is emotionally immature. People miss the signs of emotional immaturity in men because they are treated as children until they are 30 or so, and then suddenly they are expected to act like adults and have no skills.

The rigidity here is the big problem. Look at his family dynamics and how he and his family talk about his childhood and young adulthood. When he would run into difficult people (other kids, teachers, early bosses, etc.) would he be encouraged to find ways two work with them or simply told "yeah those people are bad, they don't get you"? Are his parents good at conflict resolution, do they have a dynamic where his dad is very rigid and demanding and his mom is a pushover? All of this will help you understand why he's like this.

Also I suggest going to therapy and talking through these issues. It will help you figure out your own role. Are you unwittingly playing the role of enabler that his parents played before you? Have you been making things easier for him socially for years by apologizing for him, managing a social schedule that plays to his strengths, etc.? You need to look at your own role because none of this will change unless you also change.

Then you need to start talking with him about why this is a problem. He might surprise you and be willing to do the work. My husband was. But he'd also shown the ability to do the work in the past -- he'd learned social skills in college and had a good group of friends who reinforced those skills, he'd just reverted to his upbringing with we got married and had kids. So for us it was a question of leaning into the behaviors he'd already started to learn and just getting him to apply them in a family context. And I had to work on my people pleasing tendencies and learn to speak up sooner when his rigidity was becoming hard to deal with, instead of enabling him until the problem was critical.

It's possible it's not salvageable and you need to move on. Do you have kids? That will influence how you handle this. I was highly motivated to make it work because we have kids so we are tied to each other no matter what. I also think our kids helped DH motivate because he realized he didn't want to repeat negative family dynamics and also realized that if he didn't change his behavior, our kids would not want anything to do with him as an adult, just like doesn't want anything to do with his parents.

Very smart answer here

[Anonymous]

OP this post is so subjective. Do you have any specific concrete examples?

[Anonymous]

You married an idiot. This says a lot about you. Fix it.

[Anonymous]

Specturm

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have kids I would lean toward divorce. This is the profile of a future deranged sports dad or “embarrassed my daughter isn’t pretty” dad (among other things, none good.)

[Anonymous]

He’s not successful in his career. He feeds his ego trying to control his nuclear family. He married a woman who outpaced him.

Every day is the same ride. I should be in charge, but you make more money, blah blah - vomit

Sadly no cure. Just continue leading and buy
Quality ear plugs.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I was exactly in your shoes a few years ago and was quite sick of it. He was not like this before and doted on me. Over time however with his success, he became worse. I could still not justify a divorce no matter how unhappy I was-but down the road he started drinking more and started an affair. It sucks and is so painful, but I think he gets his validation from her. Needless to say, I am
in the divorce path. Not saying this would be your case too, but if you can’t fix it please don’t stay miserable and get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a police officer? ICE agent?

This is an odd question.
She clearly said her husband has no friends, and cops typically spend a lot of time outside work with their colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's undiagnosed ASD

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. Divorce

[Anonymous]

Melania, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a police officer? ICE agent?

This is an odd question.
She clearly said her husband has no friends, and cops typically spend a lot of time outside work with their colleagues.

This wasn’t true in my case. My dad was a cop and was like this, and had no friends. Every situation in the home was an opportunity for him to exert dominance over everyone else. We, including my mom, were constantly lectured and any attempt to discuss further resulted in him saying the same thing more forcefully until you nodded in agreement. Every little thing was done according to his preferences and he was always right. I honestly can’t remember an honest father child conversation. Even in empty nest hood he’s like this.

I think the skills of bully can be handy in policing, largely in the need to “take control” of a situation, which can bleed over into the home. Obviously not all cops are like this, but many are.