People addressing each other

[Anonymous]

I grew up in the 80s with divorced parents. My father met the woman he eventually married when I was 10. I hated when people assumed that his girlfriend was his wife/my mother. It’s ok to ask open-ended questions and let people inform you of their relationship status.

[Anonymous]

I found the word spouse annoying, I use husband and wife, but what I'd find even more annoying was someone asking if we were married or "just partners." Who cares?

[Anonymous]

People in my peer group just say husband and wife.

My brother-in-law, a serial monogamist, always says "partner" instead of "girlfriend" for his latest woman and I think it sounds pretentious, especially when they aren't even living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are East Asian and do not wear our wedding rings, and never check out wedding rings on other people. The wedding ring habit is mostly a Caucasian exercise. Are there really people who try to suss out relationship status with presence/absence of rings???

Um, yes. This is a common way to figure out relationship status here in the U.S.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m happily married, coming up on 14 years. I don’t think I look like a lesbian, just a normal suburban mom approaching 40. We actually live in a pretty conservative area of the Midwest. Most women, including myself, have taken their husband’s last name.

Maybe this is why I’ve noticed the shift in language? It seems like a strange place to use more ‘woke’ rhetoric, for lack of a better term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed lately that in conversation, I’m more likely to be asked if the guy I’m ‘with’ (they know we share a house/kids) is my “spouse” or “partner.” It caught my attention because it seemed like they were avoiding the word “husband.” I couldn’t tell if this was intentional - a deliberate choice of words?

Are the words husband/wife passé? Were they just trying to be unassuming?

This has happened with a few different people at family events where it would be very likely to expect couples to be married. Think tee ball games, kids birthday parties, etc.

I would have just expected people to make small talk something like: “Oh, who’s your husband? Kyle? By the grill?” If you get my drift.

"I couldn’t tell if this was intentional - a deliberate choice of words?"

I feel like it's the woke movement to say "partner."

[Anonymous]

I wish we could all just agree to say partner. Not even for PC reasons, although that matters. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds too HS. Husband/wife sounds too old-fashioned. Also, it is becoming more and more common for people to be lifelong partners without getting married. I have a friend who bought and remodeled a house with her partner. They live like a married couple in all aspects of life, but they will never get married. This is common, so yeah, I think we are at a point where we should not assume spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that "partner" is more PC because I actually think it has the unintended consequence of confusing people and sometimes even reinforcing homophobia.

My husband has a gender neutral name, and I learned a long time ago that it's simply easier if I refer to him as my husband because otherwise some people will assume he's a woman and that we are a lesbian couple. You might think "well what is wrong with that?" Nothing, on its own. But it has led to some awkward mistakes, after which people are very embarrassed and apologetic. Some of these mistakes are just funny accidents (we have received a lot of formal invitations addressed to "Ms. and Ms.") others are much more awkward (I served on a school committee and they used my assumed LGBTQ+ status to tout diversity on the committee except... I'm straight). I've found it's just easier if people know from the jump that he's a man and we are a straight couple.

Likewise, we have a number of same-sex couple friends who do the same thing -- they almost always use "husband" or "wife" instead of a neutral term, because it's a way to quickly convey their identity and relationship without having to jump through any hoops. If there is going to be any resistance to that, better to identify it early. But mostly it's just practical, as it is in my situation -- that way everyone knows from the jump what gender their spouse is and whether they are straight or not, and this turns out to be basic info that is useful for people to have.

But it doesn't bother me when people use the neutral terms. I've just found them impractical in my own life except in situations where it truly does not and will never matter the person knows my husband's gender or our sexual orientation.

My daughter’s partner is nonbinary AND happens to have a gender neutral name. When I refer to “my daughter’s partner, Rory,” I know people assume queer in some way and really want to know if they were born male or female. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could all just agree to say partner. Not even for PC reasons, although that matters. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds too HS. Husband/wife sounds too old-fashioned. Also, it is becoming more and more common for people to be lifelong partners without getting married. I have a friend who bought and remodeled a house with her partner. They live like a married couple in all aspects of life, but they will never get married. This is common, so yeah, I think we are at a point where we should not assume spouse.

If people don't want to get married, for whatever reason, I support that.

But it's weird to expect people who are married to refrain from using words like husband/wife/spouse. They got married. That's what they are. They may use any of those terms if they want. They can also say partner, but they aren't required to use that term.

It's not some attack on people who CHOSE not to get married to use a word like spouse. I am not required to say partner so that unmarried people can feel like our relationships are the same. They aren't the same. I am married and they are not married. I don't judge them for it and I assume they have their reasons, but I went through the trouble of legally getting married to my spouse and I'm not going to hide that in order to maintain some weird fiction like getting married doesn't matter. It does matter, to me. That's why I did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that "partner" is more PC because I actually think it has the unintended consequence of confusing people and sometimes even reinforcing homophobia.

My husband has a gender neutral name, and I learned a long time ago that it's simply easier if I refer to him as my husband because otherwise some people will assume he's a woman and that we are a lesbian couple. You might think "well what is wrong with that?" Nothing, on its own. But it has led to some awkward mistakes, after which people are very embarrassed and apologetic. Some of these mistakes are just funny accidents (we have received a lot of formal invitations addressed to "Ms. and Ms.") others are much more awkward (I served on a school committee and they used my assumed LGBTQ+ status to tout diversity on the committee except... I'm straight). I've found it's just easier if people know from the jump that he's a man and we are a straight couple.

Likewise, we have a number of same-sex couple friends who do the same thing -- they almost always use "husband" or "wife" instead of a neutral term, because it's a way to quickly convey their identity and relationship without having to jump through any hoops. If there is going to be any resistance to that, better to identify it early. But mostly it's just practical, as it is in my situation -- that way everyone knows from the jump what gender their spouse is and whether they are straight or not, and this turns out to be basic info that is useful for people to have.

But it doesn't bother me when people use the neutral terms. I've just found them impractical in my own life except in situations where it truly does not and will never matter the person knows my husband's gender or our sexual orientation.

My daughter’s partner is nonbinary AND happens to have a gender neutral name. When I refer to “my daughter’s partner, Rory,” I know people assume queer in some way and really want to know if they were born male or female. Lol.

Yes but that's just a function of someone being nonbinary. People struggle with nonbinary-ness because it feels undefined, so there is often more curiosity about it. If your daughter's partner was named Rory but was not nonbinary, then you would refer to them as "he" or "she" and people would no longer be curious because it would be resolved. Also, if they had a gendered name but were non-binary, many people would just assume they were born as the same gender as their name and then became non-binary, and leave it at that. It's not really the name that confuses people, it's that people just have a hard time with nonbinary status because it makes a person feel mysterious or unknown in a way that is hard for some people to relate to. Not saying that's right or wrong, I think it's often at least well intentioned, but it's just the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could all just agree to say partner. Not even for PC reasons, although that matters. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds too HS. Husband/wife sounds too old-fashioned. Also, it is becoming more and more common for people to be lifelong partners without getting married. I have a friend who bought and remodeled a house with her partner. They live like a married couple in all aspects of life, but they will never get married. This is common, so yeah, I think we are at a point where we should not assume spouse.

Okay, but the vast majority of couples in middle age are married. The fact that you had to use your one friend as an example proves it is very much the exception to just be cohabitating lifelong unmarrieds, rather than simply husband and wife.

It may be normal, but not common.

Are you really trying to argue that if you were, say, hanging around a post-season U8 soccer bbq and chatting with a fellow mom, that your first assumption is that she and her children’s father are unwed, for life, by mutual choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you married? Do you wear a wedding ring? Sounds as if you're not married. So why would it be weird. People probably know you're not

If you are married, then clearly the people don't know you well enough to assume in this day and age, and don't want to err on the side of offending.

How is assuming you are an unmarried, single mother less offensive? Is being someone’s wife seen as less than these days? People prefer to be a man’s partner? Not wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You look like a lesbian so they say spouse.

😂

[Anonymous]

Life partner 🌈

[Anonymous]

I think the term husband sounds more intimate than spouse.
Just an opinion though……

I think in these modern times - - that families come in so many different forms that people do not want to assume nor offend.