My 16 year old daughter is extremely immature

[Anonymous]

Does she have any friends at school? Does she do any clubs or school activities? Is she doing anything with peers this summer?

[Anonymous]

Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have any friends at school? Does she do any clubs or school activities? Is she doing anything with peers this summer?

+1 to all these questions.

[Anonymous]

The playing and young at heart stuff is not a problem at all. Its part of her personality. At 27 my best friend had a baby. She was a "playing" mom and truely 100% had a great time playing wuth him and his toys.

Work on the independence. Little by little. One thing at a time. But she is going to have a great time in life if she loves kid play and not adult toys (fancy cars etc)

[Anonymous]

Encourage her to get a job this summer, even if it's just babysitting neighbor kids for $$. That would help her build confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've parentified her. She isn't an adult, but you're treating her like one by putting her on your level, in charge of three younger siblings, meal planning (!), and God knows what else. She isn't getting to be a carefree kid under the weight of the responsibilities you've placed on her shoulders, so she's grabbing for the opportunity. You interpret her coming up for a bit of air as immaturity. I just feel so sorry for her. She's going to wake up at 25 and be very angry that her childhood was stolen from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

You're abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

Totally false. The reason failure to launch kids are such a big problem nowadays is due to this. Teen years are when kids learn to be adults, not act like they’re still 5. If they don’t learn the skills, they won’t be self sufficient adults.

[Anonymous]

The playing and the immaturity in that regard is just a reflection of being around much younger siblings. She still likes those things because they are apart of her household. My only concern would be if she doesn't have friends her own age and if she doesn't hang out with kids her own age.

As for the food/waking her up....yeah that's on you. What teen/kid wouldn't leave everything up to mom if mom indulged in it? You need to encourage independence in that regard. Teach her how to cook. Teach her how to put something quick and easy together. Teach her how to grocery shop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

Totally false. The reason failure to launch kids are such a big problem nowadays is due to this. Teen years are when kids learn to be adults, not act like they’re still 5. If they don’t learn the skills, they won’t be self sufficient adults.

You can learn all of those things without being teenagers. Yeah kids change some when they become teens, but you can still be a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

She can go straight from child to adult. Teen is a contemporary invention. Shes fine.

+1 teen years usually suck anyway, and alot of teens are miserable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

Do you have the funds to give her a summer experience with peers? Go learn to scuba dive somewhere, become a camp counselor, teen tour, service trip etc? I feel like she is stuck with all these little kids constantly and needs to be pushed out of her comfort zone, playing in the backyard and watching TV is not acceptable at this age. It would benefit her to spend more time with peers and I think a real break away from the house entirely would be a great growth opportunity for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. She’s the one who usually initiates play most days and gets sad when it rains and they can’t go out, even when she’s by herself. She likes to play on her own too, outside or inside. She’s always looking to play, and she helps with the family, so of course she babysits—that’s part of her role. She didn’t raise herself; she was an only child for four years, and I’ve given her a lot of attention, probably more than is age-appropriate for 16.

She actually plays with the younger kids—she doesn’t parent them. My concern is that she wants to stay a child and doesn’t even want to become a teen, so how could she be an adult? She knows how to cut her own food, but she doesn’t know how to plate it, so she asks me to do that. If I asked her to figure it out herself, she probably could. During summer, she doesn’t do anything besides play outside and watch shows.

It's time to send her to sleep away camp, or send her out to volunteer (with kids if she likes), or even babysitting other kids.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s been a lot of misunderstanding here. Our family dynamic isn’t relevant to this issue, but it seems the focus has been on that. She refuses to learn to cook or take on other adult responsibilities, like holding a job or going anywhere independently. She hasn’t been “parentified” in any meaningful way, and I feel that term is being overused.

I’m not putting her on my level—she’s only responsible for herself, not her siblings. While I handle tasks like meal planning, she is capable of doing these things if needed. I’ve given her significant attention and support over the years. We spend a lot of time shopping, just me and her.

Regarding friendships, she doesn’t currently have close friends at school, but she has had friends/acquaintances she could interact with over time:
Kindergarten–1st grade: She had a best friend.
2nd grade: We switched schools and She mainly had acquaintances.
3rd–8th grade: She had a best friend with whom she did everything together. (The friend recently moved back to the area, and my daughter doesn’t want to hang out with her.)
High school: She doesn’t have close friends, only about three acquaintances.

She also had a neighborhood friend a year younger than her from around age 7 to 13. When that friend moved, they lost contact. Even after the friend returned to the area, she wasn’t interested in hanging out with teens.
Additionally, she had three friends through church:

One friend in 4th–5th grade at her first church.
Two friends after we moved to a different church in 5th–6th grade, but she lost contact with them afterward.

Over the years, she’s had around six friends in total and several acquaintances, including groups in middle school with her best friend and a few in upper elementary. The other kids in the group were friend with her 3rd-8th grade friend.

She does do activities in school.