DS’s college prospects and the importance of dorm life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

He knows what major but doesn’t care where to go and ‘he’ll think of it next year’

Which is totally normal for a 10th grader. Chill and let him be a teen.

So if he only gets into a CC or like a second or third tier, mostly commuter school (we are in CA so let’s say CSU Northridge), it’s not a reflection on me as a parent? I myself was at a mediocre school for undergrad and then at a great one for masters and I do have some regret not trying for a better school.

With those grades he will not only get into a community college. You need therapy for yourself.

He’ll get into some CSUs (we are in CA), which is also not great tbh. He also wants to study a somewhat niche field so that narrows it down as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point, the only thing that is probably off the table is admission for undergrad to a highly selective college. That isn't the end of the world. Kids grow up a lot between sophomore year and when it is time to consider college plans. For now, I'd focus on supporting your son to have a productive summer break and starting strong in Junior year. College thoughts and discussions should probably come after you get a sense of how Junior year is going.

Thank you, I don’t expect him to change much in Junior year. I’ve been waiting for him to mature since 8th grade and while I do see some progress, it is very slow. Mostly it’s his motivation, he doesn’t really care for grades (or so it seems) and doesn’t like working hard.
So just to save me some disappointment I am assuming it will stay pretty much the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe look for a college with dorms close by so he can come home if he gets anxiety. His coming home will probably slow down as he gets used to living in a dorm.

Was thinking about that too, not sure if it makes sense. He doesn’t seem anxious, just doesn’t have that strong desire for a college life (yet?)

Maybe it’s normal for a sophomore.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I think my main question is, if he stays the way he is (not super excited for college), is it ok for me to have him stay home and start at a CC? The major he is interested in is not super lucrative either, so I definitely don’t see the point of spending much on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he want to go to college? If he does, there is a school that will be a good fit for him. But if he doesn't, that's ok. Look through the offerings of your local community college and see if anything seems interesting to him.

My kid had mostly Bs, with some Cs and a few As. She's starting college in the fall at her dream school (with merit) to study her passion.

Honestly college was just an expectation and he never objected. He is ok to start at a CC and the way I see it, he might settle on a AA degree.
I am just asking if it’s ok if he doesn’t have a ‘true’ college experience like living in a dorm or if he goes to a commuter school (even if he dorms there). Or should I explain to him what he’d be missing? If anything?

If you can afford it without pain then yes, going away to a 4-year college is a wonderful, enriching, and maturing experience for most kids. He will be missing out if he forgoes that opportunity. It is not the only valid path, but it's a great one. Only if he's willing to commit to the academics though. If not, it's not worth the financial investment. He's still so young, I'd want him to give it a try at least.

+1 Community colleges are for kids with much worse gpas that yours. A middling kid can do fine at a 4-year college, but agree it's about whether he'll commit to putting in the work. The finances question is an important one.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why he want to go away to college if he is on the 50%ile non-college-prep track at school.

He "knows what major" but is that a serious interest or just the class in HS he dislikes the least?
Most average-academic high school sophomores don't even know the names of the majors that they'll end up in, unless it's a family career area

Community college sounds like a good fit. If you're rich enough and willing to pay for a non selective private college with the same education and a country club attached, that's your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe look for a college with dorms close by so he can come home if he gets anxiety. His coming home will probably slow down as he gets used to living in a dorm.

Was thinking about that too, not sure if it makes sense. He doesn’t seem anxious, just doesn’t have that strong desire for a college life (yet?)

Maybe it’s normal for a sophomore.

You expect a sophomore to be excited about college? Two+ years is a long way away at that age. Let him visit some colleges, then see. But I wouldn't keep him home unless you can't afford to send him away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, there is still some time for him to mature and course correct. Don't write him off yet. A's and B's is not awful. You are likely just spending too much time hanging around DCUM where everyone's children are perfect and their poop doesn't stink. It is not like he has straight C's or is getting in trouble or something like that. Back in our day (the 90s) there were tons of kids just like your child who went to decent colleges and did fine. I had friends like that in HS who went to Maryland from out of state.

You know your kid. If you think he will go away to college and just screw around and fail out, then don't waste your time or money. It is an important life experience but not if he pisses it away.

Lots of kids find community college to be a great bridge for kids to grow up, figure out what they want to do, and they finish with a degree to show for it. Obviously you were not counting on him being home after high school but it is what it is.

Does he have friends? Is he social at all?

Hopefully his school counselors can give you more guidance on this? I'm sure he is not the first kid like this.

I guess my main question is whether it’s ok for me to stop pushing him and let him be a mediocre student and college applicant

You should push him to pick areas to work hard in and better himself as a growing person, not be your do-over of your own childhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he want?

He knows what major but doesn’t care where to go and ‘he’ll think of it next year’

Which is totally normal for a 10th grader. Chill and let him be a teen.

So if he only gets into a CC or like a second or third tier, mostly commuter school (we are in CA so let’s say CSU Northridge), it’s not a reflection on me as a parent? I myself was at a mediocre school for undergrad and then at a great one for masters and I do have some regret not trying for a better school.

Were your parents neglectful losers? What about the other kids you grew up with who started at CCs or went to schools with 80+ percent acceptance rates (many of whom probably, like you, went on to be successful)?

I do hold some resentment against my parents who didn’t encourage me to apply to a better school farther away, yes. I can understand why they didn’t do it but yes there’s a bit of resentment.
Doesn’t mean they were neglectful but…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, there is still some time for him to mature and course correct. Don't write him off yet. A's and B's is not awful. You are likely just spending too much time hanging around DCUM where everyone's children are perfect and their poop doesn't stink. It is not like he has straight C's or is getting in trouble or something like that. Back in our day (the 90s) there were tons of kids just like your child who went to decent colleges and did fine. I had friends like that in HS who went to Maryland from out of state.

You know your kid. If you think he will go away to college and just screw around and fail out, then don't waste your time or money. It is an important life experience but not if he pisses it away.

Lots of kids find community college to be a great bridge for kids to grow up, figure out what they want to do, and they finish with a degree to show for it. Obviously you were not counting on him being home after high school but it is what it is.

Does he have friends? Is he social at all?

Hopefully his school counselors can give you more guidance on this? I'm sure he is not the first kid like this.

I guess my main question is whether it’s ok for me to stop pushing him and let him be a mediocre student and college applicant

You should push him to pick areas to work hard in and better himself as a growing person, not be your do-over of your own childhood

I think that’s exactly what I am doing. He doesn’t seem to want to work hard at anything though he says he knows what he wants to study. He dabbles in it a little bit but I don’t see any consistent effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe look for a college with dorms close by so he can come home if he gets anxiety. His coming home will probably slow down as he gets used to living in a dorm.

Was thinking about that too, not sure if it makes sense. He doesn’t seem anxious, just doesn’t have that strong desire for a college life (yet?)

Maybe it’s normal for a sophomore.

You expect a sophomore to be excited about college? Two+ years is a long way away at that age. Let him visit some colleges, then see. But I wouldn't keep him home unless you can't afford to send him away.

Thank you. I took him to 2 colleges so far and nothing seemingly changed. I’m going to wait a year and take him to a couple more.
I can afford to send him away but only within the state (needs based aid) and it won’t be a great school, mostly due to his grades but also his intended major.
The schools will be commuter schools to a large degree even if he is in a dorm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why he want to go away to college if he is on the 50%ile non-college-prep track at school.

He "knows what major" but is that a serious interest or just the class in HS he dislikes the least?
Most average-academic high school sophomores don't even know the names of the majors that they'll end up in, unless it's a family career area

Community college sounds like a good fit. If you're rich enough and willing to pay for a non selective private college with the same education and a country club attached, that's your opinion.

He doesn’t really prefer one way or the other. He likes the HS subject he wants to major in, but he is definitely not working hard at it. He actually has a B in that class lol

He has an option of going to a second tier state school and living in a dorm. Or he can go to the same type school or a CC and live at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe look for a college with dorms close by so he can come home if he gets anxiety. His coming home will probably slow down as he gets used to living in a dorm.

Was thinking about that too, not sure if it makes sense. He doesn’t seem anxious, just doesn’t have that strong desire for a college life (yet?)

Maybe it’s normal for a sophomore.

You expect a sophomore to be excited about college? Two+ years is a long way away at that age. Let him visit some colleges, then see. But I wouldn't keep him home unless you can't afford to send him away.

Thank you. I took him to 2 colleges so far and nothing seemingly changed. I’m going to wait a year and take him to a couple more.
I can afford to send him away but only within the state (needs based aid) and it won’t be a great school, mostly due to his grades but also his intended major.
The schools will be commuter schools to a large degree even if he is in a dorm.

Way too early to make any determination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe look for a college with dorms close by so he can come home if he gets anxiety. His coming home will probably slow down as he gets used to living in a dorm.

Was thinking about that too, not sure if it makes sense. He doesn’t seem anxious, just doesn’t have that strong desire for a college life (yet?)

Maybe it’s normal for a sophomore.

You expect a sophomore to be excited about college? Two+ years is a long way away at that age. Let him visit some colleges, then see. But I wouldn't keep him home unless you can't afford to send him away.

Thank you. I took him to 2 colleges so far and nothing seemingly changed. I’m going to wait a year and take him to a couple more.
I can afford to send him away but only within the state (needs based aid) and it won’t be a great school, mostly due to his grades but also his intended major.
The schools will be commuter schools to a large degree even if he is in a dorm.

Way too early to make any determination.

I hope you are right but I don’t think anything will change tbh

[Anonymous]

OP is this your oldest child? If so, I would encourage you to listen to everyone who is telling you it is too early. Boys in particular mature a significant amount even during senior year of high school. Kids are also highly influenced by their peers when everyone starts talking about leaving for college and they realize they might get left behind to live with parents. I would not abandon all hope but I would not put too much pressure on either. Give it some time and see how things go.