Should I say something to my daughter's friend's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This weekend my 10 year old attended a friend/classmate's 10th birthday. I didn't realize that this friend/classmate had a phone already. She handed her phone off to my daughter without even asking me for my permission first, and her friend's mom and dad were standing right there supervising the birthday party and didn't monitor or do anything about the phone.

Her friend was opening gifts and my daughter ended up using her friend's phone to text and say hi to another close friend on Facebook Kids Messager App; a friend who couldn't attend the party. I was very annoyed and upset that her friend didn't ask me for permission first and that her friend's parents let her have her phone out during the party during the cake and gifts part. The phone was a bad distraction.

My daughter was sad and felt left out after the party. I know because she was telling me that all her friends have messenger apps for texting friends and that she was the only one who doesn't have any apps. She doesn't have a phone but has a tablet for reading and watching movies. Her dad and I had a talk with her further and we said no to phones and social media apps. But she wouldn't have felt sad after that party if her friend had left her phone at home, out of sight, out of mind. I'm not sure if I should bring this up to her parents.

Are you serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unreasonable to expect other parents to enforce your phone rules for you, especially when they are busy hosting a party.

This times 1 million. Your daughter is 10. She’s old enough to know whether using her friend’s phone would upset you and break your rule. She could have held her friend’s phone without using it, for example. There’s absolutely no valid point you could raise with the birthday girls parents. You are upset because this stirred up a bit of a hornets nest in terms of your daughter‘s emotions and your rule being out of step with most of her peers. It’s up to you to decide how to navigate that. If your daughter doesn’t have a phone and everyone else does, she’s going to feel sad and left out. And the reality is that she will be left out. But that’s OK. Your family has your values and it’s a good lesson for your daughter. But don’t be one of those people that waits until their child is 15 to give them a phone.

[Anonymous]

A parent who gives a kid a phone at 10 is going to think you’re insane if you talk to them as you suggest.

I have a 10-year-old and can’t believe parents would give their kids a smartphone. But it happens. I know there is YouTube on the bus and probably a lot more. Control what you can, which is not giving your kid a device if that’s what you choose. The larger damage is a ton of alone time unsupervised on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fake story but let’s play along… if you were there, why didn’t you tell your daughter to put the away or give it back to the friend?

💯 this story is fake because a normal parent would have just taken the phone away and given it back to the owner.

[Anonymous]

Get your kid messenger kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s just a fact that different families have different rules. This isn’t just about phones, it’s food, bedtimes, screen time, and a million other things. Your child will have opinions about your household rules, just as you felt some kind of way about your parents’ choices for your family of origin. You can’t protect your child from feeling disappointment nor from having opinions about rules. You also can’t impose your rules and values on other families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This weekend my 10 year old attended a friend/classmate's 10th birthday. I didn't realize that this friend/classmate had a phone already. She handed her phone off to my daughter without even asking me for my permission first, and her friend's mom and dad were standing right there supervising the birthday party and didn't monitor or do anything about the phone.

Her friend was opening gifts and my daughter ended up using her friend's phone to text and say hi to another close friend on Facebook Kids Messager App; a friend who couldn't attend the party. I was very annoyed and upset that her friend didn't ask me for permission first and that her friend's parents let her have her phone out during the party during the cake and gifts part. The phone was a bad distraction.

My daughter was sad and felt left out after the party. I know because she was telling me that all her friends have messenger apps for texting friends and that she was the only one who doesn't have any apps. She doesn't have a phone but has a tablet for reading and watching movies. Her dad and I had a talk with her further and we said no to phones and social media apps. But she wouldn't have felt sad after that party if her friend had left her phone at home, out of sight, out of mind. I'm not sure if I should bring this up to her parents.

This is really a problem with the friend group. Most 10 year old girls do not have phones with apps. Are these girls the ones your daughter gravitated toward naturally, or did you work to curate this group over the years? Or is it a mix of both? I'm guessing you are the helicopter mom, friendship-engineering type given that you are considering talking to these parents about the phones! OMG, do not do that. You will come off as crazy.

I have seen many times where parents overengineer their children's friendships in the early years only to be disappointed with how the friendships and families changed over the years. Maybe you thought they were "nice" girls at one point but now they are not so nice. Your daughter will be off to middle school soon so maybe now is a good time to let her practice figuring things out on her own without you hovering and trying to control everything.

Good luck!