Teen seems completely withdrawn and dependent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t seem depressed, and has said that she isn’t depressed, refuses to see a therapist. Her grades started declining junior year, and the pressure of trying to figure things out for the future caused her to receive straight Fs, the first part of the year. She never really did things outside of the house often before, but now chooses not to leave home at all. She isn’t responsible for babysitting. She does actually go outside and genuinely play with the kids.-OP

Okay, then, I guess everything is just fine! I think you are a troll. And you may even be the same one that keeps responding to people's messages about leaving their kids at home for 6 days.

Everything isn’t fine, and that’s why I came here to ask. How can we help if she doesn’t want to see a therapist and nothing will motivate her to?

It is a condition of living in your house rent-free. This is not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Depression. She needs help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t seem depressed, and has said that she isn’t depressed, refuses to see a therapist. Her grades started declining junior year, and the pressure of trying to figure things out for the future caused her to receive straight Fs, the first part of the year. She never really did things outside of the house often before, but now chooses not to leave home at all. She isn’t responsible for babysitting. She does actually go outside and genuinely play with the kids.-OP

Okay, then, I guess everything is just fine! I think you are a troll. And you may even be the same one that keeps responding to people's messages about leaving their kids at home for 6 days.

Everything isn’t fine, and that’s why I came here to ask. How can we help if she doesn’t want to see a therapist and nothing will motivate her to?

It is a condition of living in your house rent-free. This is not rocket science.

You don’t threaten a depressed child. 18 is still a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter is turning 18 soon and I’m increasingly worried about her. Her mom isn’t in the picture. She used to be a very high-achieving student (4.0 through sophomore year), talked about big plans for the future, and seemed motivated. Then something shifted. She started failing classes junior year, got multiple Cs, and senior year started with straight Fs. She is now barely graduating and says she has no interest in college, trade school, or any further education at all.

She only leaves the house for school, nothing else. She takes a 3-4 hour nap after school, and wakes up at 2pm on weekends, though she goes to bed at 10 or 11. She doesn’t participate in activities, has no hobbies or passions that I can tell besides being on her phone/social media, and doesn’t really maintain friendships even though she has a few acquaintances.

At home, she does very little independently. She doesn’t do chores (including cleaning her room) or laundry and gets upset if I don’t wash her clothes for her. She doesn’t want to drive and hasn’t gotten her permit yet. She isn’t interested in learning life skills like cooking and relies on me to make meals for her. Sometimes she just orders fast food and that will be her only meal for the day. She acts helpless with a lot of everyday things and has the dependence level of a much younger child. She whines and cries about everything. For example, if I’m going to the store she’ll ask me to buy everything for her or when we’ll get this or that, or she’ll say there’s “nothing to eat” while standing in front of a full fridge because she doesn’t know what to make for herself. She constantly asks questions about things instead of trying to figure things out on her own.

The only positive thing she does do is that she goes outside daily with her younger siblings (2-3hrs), takes them to the park, and plays with them daily outside and indoors (plays games, watches TV, etc).

I know all teens are different, but she seems so disconnected from life compared to other kids her age. What can we do to help?

NP: While I get why you're concerned about your StepDD and absolutely you have many reasons to be concerned, it always drives me nuts when people post scenarios like this and never say whether they've actually named everything they're worried about to the DD or DS, and then shared here what their answers were? Have you done that OP? Have you named all the behaviors and changes that you've noticed and asked her why she feels they've changed, and if she's not interested in college what is her plan, what does she want for herself? Also have you and whatever other parent is in her life (if any) discussed what you will and won't let her do? If she just wants to live at home until she's 40 and complain about food, are you going to let her? Or what are your parameters for her needing to work or contribute to the household if she's not going to college?

Also you should talk to a therapist who works with teens and young adults. You should run all this by either her doctor or a therapist and ask for help. Or start wit her high school counselor, since I"m sure they've encountered this before, it's sadly not that unusual. But ask a professional for guidance and ideas on how to support her and hopefully help her get unstuck.

And if you DID say all this to her... what were her responses??

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is really depressed. And that a traumatic event may have taken place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter is turning 18 soon and I’m increasingly worried about her. Her mom isn’t in the picture. She used to be a very high-achieving student (4.0 through sophomore year), talked about big plans for the future, and seemed motivated. Then something shifted. She started failing classes junior year, got multiple Cs, and senior year started with straight Fs. She is now barely graduating and says she has no interest in college, trade school, or any further education at all.

She only leaves the house for school, nothing else. She takes a 3-4 hour nap after school, and wakes up at 2pm on weekends, though she goes to bed at 10 or 11. She doesn’t participate in activities, has no hobbies or passions that I can tell besides being on her phone/social media, and doesn’t really maintain friendships even though she has a few acquaintances.

At home, she does very little independently. She doesn’t do chores (including cleaning her room) or laundry and gets upset if I don’t wash her clothes for her. She doesn’t want to drive and hasn’t gotten her permit yet. She isn’t interested in learning life skills like cooking and relies on me to make meals for her. Sometimes she just orders fast food and that will be her only meal for the day. She acts helpless with a lot of everyday things and has the dependence level of a much younger child. She whines and cries about everything. For example, if I’m going to the store she’ll ask me to buy everything for her or when we’ll get this or that, or she’ll say there’s “nothing to eat” while standing in front of a full fridge because she doesn’t know what to make for herself. She constantly asks questions about things instead of trying to figure things out on her own.

The only positive thing she does do is that she goes outside daily with her younger siblings (2-3hrs), takes them to the park, and plays with them daily outside and indoors (plays games, watches TV, etc).

I know all teens are different, but she seems so disconnected from life compared to other kids her age. What can we do to help?

NP: While I get why you're concerned about your StepDD and absolutely you have many reasons to be concerned, it always drives me nuts when people post scenarios like this and never say whether they've actually named everything they're worried about to the DD or DS, and then shared here what their answers were? Have you done that OP? Have you named all the behaviors and changes that you've noticed and asked her why she feels they've changed, and if she's not interested in college what is her plan, what does she want for herself? Also have you and whatever other parent is in her life (if any) discussed what you will and won't let her do? If she just wants to live at home until she's 40 and complain about food, are you going to let her? Or what are your parameters for her needing to work or contribute to the household if she's not going to college?

Also you should talk to a therapist who works with teens and young adults. You should run all this by either her doctor or a therapist and ask for help. Or start wit her high school counselor, since I"m sure they've encountered this before, it's sadly not that unusual. But ask a professional for guidance and ideas on how to support her and hopefully help her get unstuck.

And if you DID say all this to her... what were her responses??

+1

Did she explain?

[Anonymous]

The divorce effect. My dd slowly slipped into lethargy and depression after her dad left (mistress now took all his time). And 3 years later, it hasn’t improved. I’m worried because my 2nd dd is now exhibiting similar patterns.
Sadly the divorced women I’ve met in similar circumstances have a depressed faltering kid as well. And these were previously high performing happy kids.
Divorce severely messes with a kids sense of safety, structure, love, normalcy
Get her into therapy soon with a good family therapist.

[Anonymous]

Where the hell is her dad in all of this?!!

[Anonymous]

Take her to the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like clinical depression.

[Anonymous]

How about asking the pediatrician to talk to her? Or a family friend?

[Anonymous]

Where are her father and mother in all of this? Answer the question and don't avoid it, OP! Face up to the question of what kind of man you married and chose to have children with.

She does sound very depressed and I suggest a trial of medication just to get her out of her rut and then she may be more open to therapy. But the thing about divorce is, it's not socially acceptable to be unhappy about having divorced parents. And she may face consequences from you or her father if she shares her true thoughts and feelings about it and about you and her siblings. Therapy only works if the person feels they can be candid. And in a lot of stepfamilies, it's necessary to stifle any negative feelings so that the adults can believe their divorce and remarriage isn't the problem. Otherwise it's too hard for the adults. Really think about this, OP. And bear in mind that what she says aloud to you may be quite different from what she actually thinks and feels.