Refusal to take care of oneself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I’m 80, GTFO with expecting me to go to the gym. I’m decades younger and already have arthritis. OP is obnoxious.

+1. I have neuropathy in my feet and arthritis in my big toes. It makes walking painful and I need to watch my feet so I don't trip. It's annoying as heck to have people ask me why I don't walk/run for exercise. MYOB DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you worrying about her? This woman is not your mother nor are you responsible for caring for her.

OP: Are you serious? I've been married for 33 years and she is grandmother to my kids. What happens to her impacts the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law, who is 80, has decided to just lean in to her sedentariness. If we're all together for a few days and DH and mention we're heading to the gym, she'll say, "I will NOT be going to the gym" with a big smile. Ditto for going on even short walks around her neighborhood.

She refuses to do even small amounts of exercise. She had a knee replaced last year and did no PT afterward. Now she says she's unsteady on her feet and needs a cane to walk more than short distances. When I asked her why she didn't work with a trainer who could help with balance, she made a big show of shrugging and saying, "It's easier this way." Even her daughter, the apple of her eye, can't convince her to move a little bit.

Is she actually enjoying her infirmity and likely deterioration? She lives alone and I worry a fall is in her future. At our last gathering at her house, we went in to hug each other and her foot caught the edge of her throw rug and she lurched into me. But when I suggested getting rid of the throw rugs, she said it was fine, that she knows how to pick up her feet.

Sensing disaster sooner or later.

No one enjoys infirmity and the prospect of deterioration. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law, who is 80, has decided to just lean in to her sedentariness. If we're all together for a few days and DH and mention we're heading to the gym, she'll say, "I will NOT be going to the gym" with a big smile. Ditto for going on even short walks around her neighborhood.

She refuses to do even small amounts of exercise. She had a knee replaced last year and did no PT afterward. Now she says she's unsteady on her feet and needs a cane to walk more than short distances. When I asked her why she didn't work with a trainer who could help with balance, she made a big show of shrugging and saying, "It's easier this way." Even her daughter, the apple of her eye, can't convince her to move a little bit.

Is she actually enjoying her infirmity and likely deterioration? She lives alone and I worry a fall is in her future. At our last gathering at her house, we went in to hug each other and her foot caught the edge of her throw rug and she lurched into me. But when I suggested getting rid of the throw rugs, she said it was fine, that she knows how to pick up her feet.

Sensing disaster sooner or later.

No one enjoys infirmity and the prospect of deterioration. What is wrong with you?

It's the sense of learned helplessness that I'm getting, the enjoyment of having people fuss and exclaim over her. I also think there's the prospect of being waited on that she doesn't hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you worrying about her? This woman is not your mother nor are you responsible for caring for her.

OP: Are you serious? I've been married for 33 years and she is grandmother to my kids. What happens to her impacts the family.

NP- Something happens to everybody in old age. Yes, it's good to take care of oneself theoretically, but you cannot force people to change especially when they are older. Instead of bothering her, which improves nothing and frustrates you, I'd just focus on being nice to her and adjust expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like if they want to give up at 80, let them. I mean that's pretty old. If your mom made it this far, good for her.

+1

She, and you, are fortunate that she's made it this far and is still independent and ambulatory.

Yes, ideally she would do her PT and be as active as possible to maintain mobility, but it sounds like her kids have already nudged her in that direction, and she's making a different choice.

[Anonymous]

My mother took great pride in never exercising. She used to walk a little. That was it. She's never been to a gym, I don't think.

She also loves sugary foods and took on the personality of a person who loves to eat ice cream. No one can stop this behavior except for the person themeself.

As for falling? I had to accept my parents would fall. They would not move to a new home, and they would not modify their home. They were adults and I could not make them move or make other choices. I decided not to feel guilty about this.

Eventually, one fell so hard that their head left a dent in the wallboard, which I then had to have repaired when I prepared the home for sale.

So, just wait until they not only fall but then leave you to pick up the pieces. It's not fun. I've been helping with caretaking for around 12 years, and I am BURNED OUT.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps ask her to join you instead for a fun walk around the neighborhood.

If the weather is nice outside - you can suggest stopping off for ice cream 🍦 too.
Or if there are any restaurants close by, you can suggest walking to one for dinner.

[Anonymous]

My 80 year old parents go to PT, but they live in my childhood home, which is on a hill, with many stairs to get in and out, refuse to modify their home for my dad's disability, and won't clean out their house in any way - in fact my mom claims it is my responsibility and lectures me on "not getting rid valuable things when the time comes."

This is all to say that old people are frustrating and set in their ways. My mom, in particular, seems to be getting tunnel vision in her old age, and she is completely unwilling to receive suggestions from me or anyone. To your point, it's very childish.

We just have to accept that - while irrational and sometimes self destructive - they have the right to make their own choices. We have to let it play it. We get to decide what our boundaries are and stick to them - for instance, I will be calling a house clean up service and valuable things will likely be missed. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you worrying about her? This woman is not your mother nor are you responsible for caring for her.

OP: Are you serious? I've been married for 33 years and she is grandmother to my kids. What happens to her impacts the family.

She is her own person. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Is your MIL my mom??? We must be related LOL

Nearly-80 yo mom acts about like this! They won't even replace her knee because she isn't likely to be compliant with PT. It's really frustrating. She's pretty happy to just trundle from her room to the kitchen to the couch (I live with her so I see this daily).

She's making her choices, I guess...

But then what happens when she falls and declines? Are you expected to provide 24/7 care for her?

Yep! I do my best to keep the house safe-removed throw rugs (despite her protest) and arranged furniture more safely. I do get her out with me-we shop together and go places-so she's not totally sedentary. But I'm at work all day and she tends to not move much during that time.

I'll take care of her-she helped me so much with my kids and I live here and the house is in trust to me. I just want her quality of life to be the best it can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Is your MIL my mom??? We must be related LOL

Nearly-80 yo mom acts about like this! They won't even replace her knee because she isn't likely to be compliant with PT. It's really frustrating. She's pretty happy to just trundle from her room to the kitchen to the couch (I live with her so I see this daily).

She's making her choices, I guess...

But then what happens when she falls and declines? Are you expected to provide 24/7 care for her?

Yep! I do my best to keep the house safe-removed throw rugs (despite her protest) and arranged furniture more safely. I do get her out with me-we shop together and go places-so she's not totally sedentary. But I'm at work all day and she tends to not move much during that time.

I'll take care of her-she helped me so much with my kids and I live here and the house is in trust to me. I just want her quality of life to be the best it can be.

You're a good daughter (I'm assuming you're a daughter).

[Anonymous]

You aren't willing to help or support her so stop complaining online about her.