Refusal to take care of oneself
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Anonymous
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My mother-in-law, who is 80, has decided to just lean in to her sedentariness. If we're all together for a few days and DH and mention we're heading to the gym, she'll say, "I will NOT be going to the gym" with a big smile. Ditto for going on even short walks around her neighborhood.
She refuses to do even small amounts of exercise. She had a knee replaced last year and did no PT afterward. Now she says she's unsteady on her feet and needs a cane to walk more than short distances. When I asked her why she didn't work with a trainer who could help with balance, she made a big show of shrugging and saying, "It's easier this way." Even her daughter, the apple of her eye, can't convince her to move a little bit. Is she actually enjoying her infirmity and likely deterioration? She lives alone and I worry a fall is in her future. At our last gathering at her house, we went in to hug each other and her foot caught the edge of her throw rug and she lurched into me. But when I suggested getting rid of the throw rugs, she said it was fine, that she knows how to pick up her feet. Sensing disaster sooner or later. |
Anonymous
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Is your MIL my mom??? We must be related LOL
Nearly-80 yo mom acts about like this! They won't even replace her knee because she isn't likely to be compliant with PT. It's really frustrating. She's pretty happy to just trundle from her room to the kitchen to the couch (I live with her so I see this daily). She's making her choices, I guess... |
Anonymous
| I feel like if they want to give up at 80, let them. I mean that's pretty old. If your mom made it this far, good for her. |
Anonymous
| I think it's really hard for some to stay active as they get older. Your MIL has done pretty well if she's just slowing down at 80. I don't think it's necessarily that people love their sedentariness, though I'm sure some do. It's just that for some, it seems like it feels like there is no point because life gets pretty empty as you age. |
Anonymous
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My mom has been sedentary for decades now. Her weight was always an issue which led to dreading movement because it hurt and was hard. I've accepted that I cannot change her and just love her as she is, try to be mindful of her limitations.
The reality past a certain age is also that people can fall even if fit and mobile and you do everything right. It happened to dh's grandma. She fell out of nowhere on perfectly fine bare floor in her kitchen. You sort of have to make your peace with the fact that you have little control. |
Anonymous
| My MIL was like this. She had not been to the doctor in 30 years. That is not an exaggeration. Last spring, she had a cut on her leg that got infected and went into septic shock. She was hospitalized for three weeks, discharged to rehab for another six, and ended up in assisted living with a ton of new medical diagnoses. She is doing a lot better now, but almost died. |
Anonymous
This is my early 80s mother as well although she did have her knees replaced (but was not compliant with PT and is not very mobile now). I cannot imagine her going for a walk as OP suggested. She also has throw rugs all over the house and has started tripping over them (once leading to black eyes). Cannot talk her out of any of it. |
Anonymous
But then what happens when she falls and declines? Are you expected to provide 24/7 care for her? |
Anonymous
| Why are you worrying about her? This woman is not your mother nor are you responsible for caring for her. |
Anonymous
| When I’m 80, GTFO with expecting me to go to the gym. I’m decades younger and already have arthritis. OP is obnoxious. |
Anonymous
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Tale as old as time.
Adult children want their elderly parents to stay health and active for as long as possible, and are concerned about the financial and practical burden that will accrue to them when their elder needs their help. The elders reach a point where they just do not care. You will get to that point too!! Your children will get mad at you!! Do you want to perpetuate that cycle, OP? Accept that infirmity will come, sooner or later. Accept that you will be responsible for some level of care for this elder, and that you will need to negotiate with your spouse and any siblings involved. Yes, of course it's going to be a mess. No, you can't prevent much of the fallout. If you can't afford to help, you can't afford to help, and that's that. Radical acceptance, OP. Model that for your children. |
Anonymous
| Leave her alone. She is allowed to live however she wants at 80. |
Anonymous
| You can't force others to make the choices YOU want them to make. She is making HER choices. Let her. |
Anonymous
| My MIL was very fit into her 80s and slipped on a bathroom floor and hit her head on the sink, sustaining a TBI. Even when the blood drained from her brain, she was never the same. We moved her into a private care home in a few months. You just never know and it's often the ones that no one thought would go first. |
Anonymous
Good advice but it's not her mother so she needs to back off. Clearly OP has a chip on her shoulder from her DH not being the "apple of her (MIL's) eye." |