Now in our forties, why are many people around me just discovering the mistakes their parents made?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

[Anonymous]

I am sure these 40-year-olds won't be making any mistakes with their children and hearing about in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure these 40-year-olds won't be making any mistakes with their children and hearing about in 20 years.

I’m sure I’m doing all sorts of stuff wrong, but I can assure you I respect my children and love them. This wasn’t demonstrated by my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us have young kids and for me, it’s been incredibly revealing. I’m able to actually identify and articulate what my parents did wrong. Similar to the PP, I grew up in a nice, UMC family but there was a lot that is very messed up. Now that I have young kids I can’t imagine treating children the way I was treated.

This happened to me too but as my kids got older it faded. I began to understand my parents frustrations, fears they must have had, stressors. Even worse in hindsight I actually agree with some of my parents criticisms of me. I realize they started out trying to be nice and gentle but after years of no change well it devolved in to outright frustration and criticism.

I can pretend they should have been better than human and never let that happen but that is fairy tale thinking.

I lot of their parenting was of the day and I can appreciate now how parenting is reflective of the group of people and parents you surround yourself why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

PP you replied to. Sorry for being harsh, but you fit perfectly into option 3 I mentioned, which is: your parents weren't that bad. If you don't make a big deal out of this to your friends, then you're golden. But please don't think this is akin to real abuse and verbalize it that way to your circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because 40s is when manure hits the fan for many people. Up until then they’ve been telling themselves that they will still be all they can be, and it’s never too late, and it’ll all work out at the end. Then the realization hits: nope, that’s actually my life and that how it’s going to be, so they have to either accept it or blame someone. And should you decide to blame someone, parents are a natural target, especially if you chose to engage a therapist to help you.

+1, but it's also when their parents start needing more help or madking addled choices. I had a lot more patience with my parents 10 years ago than I do now, in the midst of extremely foreseeable needs they refused to plan for. Which are also hitting at the same time as my own issues, as you pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

We had weird hair issues (and body issues) in my family too. The way I think about it is that each generation tries to do a little better. My grandparents were abusive; my parents broke the cycle but they were still pretty controlling; I think I'm doing pretty well in some areas, especially regarding appearance, but DD will surely have things she wants to do better with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

PP you replied to. Sorry for being harsh, but you fit perfectly into option 3 I mentioned, which is: your parents weren't that bad. If you don't make a big deal out of this to your friends, then you're golden. But please don't think this is akin to real abuse and verbalize it that way to your circle.

I don’t think they were that bad, but the controlling behavior around my body was strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sure these 40-year-olds won't be making any mistakes with their children and hearing about in 20 years.

I’m sure I’m doing all sorts of stuff wrong, but I can assure you I respect my children and love them. This wasn’t demonstrated by my parents.

Whatever you are doing now can and will be interpreted as whatever the parental deficiency of the day will be popular in 20 years. Read a book on history of parenting advice - all the enlightened methods turned out to be fads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

You were insecure and your bullies picked up on it. It wasn’t your hair. If she’d let you cut your hair, it would be wrong face (the “right” haircut is not for a face like yours, hahaha), or the way you smile, or the way your mom walks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

I had a mother who let me continuously cut my hair from about 8th grade in because I wanted new styles . Bob after Bob, layers after layers and now my hair for decades hasn’t grown past my shoulders. I wish she had refused to let me cut it. It simply does not grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sure these 40-year-olds won't be making any mistakes with their children and hearing about in 20 years.

I’m sure I’m doing all sorts of stuff wrong, but I can assure you I respect my children and love them. This wasn’t demonstrated by my parents.

Your kids may see it differently. Everyone views their upbringing subjectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sure these 40-year-olds won't be making any mistakes with their children and hearing about in 20 years.

I’m sure I’m doing all sorts of stuff wrong, but I can assure you I respect my children and love them. This wasn’t demonstrated by my parents.

Your kids may see it differently. Everyone views their upbringing subjectively.

Well, then, those kids will be wrong, because PP was a perfect parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance.

You were insecure and your bullies picked up on it. It wasn’t your hair. If she’d let you cut your hair, it would be wrong face (the “right” haircut is not for a face like yours, hahaha), or the way you smile, or the way your mom walks.

Nah, it was my hair. It was obscenely long and I hated it. It was more about my dislike of it than anyone making fun of me.

[Anonymous]

I du dc bf have a great childhood but my mom likely did the best she could. However, the cruelty that she treats me a now is unacceptable. I went no contact. Peace finally.
And it’s not that she had dementia or something. She’s fine w one of my sisters but estranged from the other.