Reply to Now in our forties, why are many people around me just discovering the mistakes their parents made?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
[b]I don't really believe that middle aged people suddenly "discover" something they didn't know before about their families. [/b]Usually it means that their elderly parents are in decline and exhibiting behaviors that did not exist previously, at least to such a severe extent; or it means they suddenly decided to share with you something they've long known about. If they're just now truly "discovering" something, then whatever it is must not be very bad. They're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

My close friends and I knew from our teenage years that some family dynamics were off. This is the typical age to realize such things, OP. It's not that you can do much about it until you're financially independent from your parents... but you KNOW something is wrong. I spent my 20s getting all irritated with her, then I confronted my mother about her verbal and psychological abuse in my late 20s, early 30s, and went no contact for a while.

Now I'm in my 40s. Most of my life, I've always accepted that she is the way she is and that we cannot have a trusting relationship. My close friends did the same for their problem parent, or problem sibling.

[/quote]

It’s actually very, very common. You have your own kids and think back to your childhood. You’re able to see that yes, it was insane behavior.

As a child and teenager, I didn’t have the maturity or knowledge to identify what was wrong. I knew I was unhappy and felt angry, but didn’t really understand why.

Here’s an example. My mom had me change schools (difficult in itself) and wouldn’t let me cut my hair. I had unfashionable very long hair that my mom was obsessed with. She didn’t care I was made fun of. I cried and begged. She refused to let me cut my hair. I absolutely hated it. As a child, I didn’t have the ability to explain it’s my body and you’re hurting me. I just knew I felt bad about it.

Now I have a young daughter and she came to me and asked to have her hair cut. I said yes. We went to the hair salon and I explained she couldn’t do anything crazy, but explain to the stylist what you want. Watching her take a look after the haircut was special. She was very proud of her new appearance and loved it. It made me happy. I was then able to fully realize that how my mom approached my body and hair was strange. I can’t imagine forcing my daughter to be embarrassed about her appearance. [/quote]

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