When grandparents are bad people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please keep your kids safe. It’s your job. Limit their exposure to these people, only supervised visits if any. Openly discuss inappropriate comments with your kids if any made during visits.

+1

[Anonymous]

No way to properly assess the situation without being given examples of the in-laws’ behaviors of concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are bad people. Not criminals, just selfish a holes. A little background- I’m noticing some of their attitudes rubbing off on cousins. I don’t want this for my child. They have big personalities and “correct” all the grandchildren, often in ways I disagree. How does the group feel about limiting DC’s exposure to them?
A) “OP you’re being an asshat. Pot meet kettle. They are your child’s grandparents. Be the bigger person, you petty B.”
B) “ OP of course you shield your child from negative influences and guide them toward better people with empathy. That’s parenting. Duh”
C) nuanced response from well educated DCUM poster from 10 years ago.
D) other

Actual inappropriate behavior, distance.
Behavior you (both) know will result in bad behavior in your children? Talk to them first (their child first, then together if necessary), then distance if they're not willing to change whatever is unacceptable to you.
Behavior you (both) think will result in bad behavior in your children? Talk to them first (their child first, then together if necessary), then (maybe) distance if they're not willing to change whatever is questionable to you.
If one parent thinks you can manage the problems without distance, try that.

[Anonymous]

How did this a$$ hattery not wear off on your husband? That's what I would be concerned about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did this a$$ hattery not wear off on your husband? That's what I would be concerned about.

Depending on age, dementia and mental health worsening go hand-in-hand.

[Anonymous]

There were a few things older relatives have said here or there, where we pulled a child aside and explained this is a decades-old way of thinking and we know better now and don't say/do that, but they're old so we don't bother correcting them. And there were some relatives whose homes no kids slept over at.

Take it case by case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are bad people. Not criminals, just selfish a holes. A little background- I’m noticing some of their attitudes rubbing off on cousins. I don’t want this for my child. They have big personalities and “correct” all the grandchildren, often in ways I disagree. How does the group feel about limiting DC’s exposure to them?
A) “OP you’re being an asshat. Pot meet kettle. They are your child’s grandparents. Be the bigger person, you petty B.”
B) “ OP of course you shield your child from negative influences and guide them toward better people with empathy. That’s parenting. Duh”
C) nuanced response from well educated DCUM poster from 10 years ago.
D) other

B

We teach our kids that no one, even if they're a relative, is allowed to verbally abuse them. My FIL was a verbally abusive ahole and my husband stopped letting him be around our kids because of his father's behavior and the kids know why.

While my husband and I are adults, and we can choose what kind of behavior we are willing to tolerate, kids can't do the same and my husband didn't want them growing up thinking was ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it always the inlaws? What about your parents? No issues there? How does DH feel?

What is it that makes them selfish? Correcting your grandkids is not a problem in and of itself, depending on circumstance.

Not liking someone's personality does not make them an inherently bad person. I did not care for my ILs personality, but they did raise a great son, to whom I've been happily married for years, and who made a great father. So it doesn't really matter if I like them or their personality particularly.

Your kids are always going to be exposed to people and ways you don't like. It's up to you to raise them with your values, morals, and ethics so they learn how to navigate life--not shield them from it.

So...C?

Agreed but you also need to teach them what kinds of behavior are not ok. So part of learning to navigate life is...keeping them away from a relative who is verbally abusive towards them. That's not shielding, that's navigating and teaching them that they don't have to tolerate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t make this decision lightly. We value family relationships, and we understand how important those connections are. But our first responsibility is to ensure our child feels safe, respected, and emotionally secure.

When behavior crossed the line into what we believe was emotionally abusive, it became necessary for us to step back and reassess. Children are especially vulnerable to patterns that undermine their sense of self-worth, and it’s our job as parents to intervene when something isn’t healthy, even when that’s uncomfortable.

Creating distance isn’t about punishment or blame; it’s about establishing appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries are there to protect our child and to give space for reflection and, hopefully, healthier interactions in the future.

We’re open to rebuilding the relationship, but it has to be grounded in respect, accountability, and a shared understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. Until then, maintaining some distance is the most responsible choice we can make as parents.

There’s a lot of psych 101 lingo there. I don’t think you missed any of the current trends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did this a$$ hattery not wear off on your husband? That's what I would be concerned about.

Depending on age, dementia and mental health worsening go hand-in-hand.

That’s when you teach your children about dementia, Alzheimer’s, diminished control of behaviors that sometimes occurs in old age. As long as there is no violence you shouldn’t expect the in-laws to be just like you.

I had perfect in-laws, my father died before my children were born and the kids dote on my mother so maybe I can’t relate. I do notice people are very vague when they try to cut off in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did this a$$ hattery not wear off on your husband? That's what I would be concerned about.

A lot of mental health problems are hereditary. Also the children have the grandparents DNA.

[Anonymous]

Considering no examples were given, I assume
"selfish" - don't give us money
"a-holes" - we disagree with their politics

[Anonymous]

OP, it matters a lot how often family sees your children. And why would your children be with the Grandparents without you there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL I just KNEW it would be OP's in laws and not her own parents. So typical. There's nothing worse than a DCUM daughter-in-law. Somehow all of these horrible in laws managed to raise decent husbands. Go figure.

BORING

This you’re a pathetic monster OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Considering no examples were given, I assume
"selfish" - don't give us money
"a-holes" - we disagree with their politics

No that’s just your hateful mind looking for confirmation bias.