When grandparents are bad people.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are bad people. Not criminals, just selfish a holes. A little background- I’m noticing some of their attitudes rubbing off on cousins. I don’t want this for my child. They have big personalities and “correct” all the grandchildren, often in ways I disagree. How does the group feel about limiting DC’s exposure to them?
A) “OP you’re being an asshat. Pot meet kettle. They are your child’s grandparents. Be the bigger person, you petty B.”
B) “ OP of course you shield your child from negative influences and guide them toward better people with empathy. That’s parenting. Duh”
C) nuanced response from well educated DCUM poster from 10 years ago.
D) other

[Anonymous]

We didn’t make this decision lightly. We value family relationships, and we understand how important those connections are. But our first responsibility is to ensure our child feels safe, respected, and emotionally secure.

When behavior crossed the line into what we believe was emotionally abusive, it became necessary for us to step back and reassess. Children are especially vulnerable to patterns that undermine their sense of self-worth, and it’s our job as parents to intervene when something isn’t healthy, even when that’s uncomfortable.

Creating distance isn’t about punishment or blame; it’s about establishing appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries are there to protect our child and to give space for reflection and, hopefully, healthier interactions in the future.

We’re open to rebuilding the relationship, but it has to be grounded in respect, accountability, and a shared understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. Until then, maintaining some distance is the most responsible choice we can make as parents.

[Anonymous]

Why is it always the inlaws? What about your parents? No issues there? How does DH feel?

What is it that makes them selfish? Correcting your grandkids is not a problem in and of itself, depending on circumstance.

Not liking someone's personality does not make them an inherently bad person. I did not care for my ILs personality, but they did raise a great son, to whom I've been happily married for years, and who made a great father. So it doesn't really matter if I like them or their personality particularly.

Your kids are always going to be exposed to people and ways you don't like. It's up to you to raise them with your values, morals, and ethics so they learn how to navigate life--not shield them from it.

So...C?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t make this decision lightly. We value family relationships, and we understand how important those connections are. But our first responsibility is to ensure our child feels safe, respected, and emotionally secure.

When behavior crossed the line into what we believe was emotionally abusive, it became necessary for us to step back and reassess. Children are especially vulnerable to patterns that undermine their sense of self-worth, and it’s our job as parents to intervene when something isn’t healthy, even when that’s uncomfortable.

Creating distance isn’t about punishment or blame; it’s about establishing appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries are there to protect our child and to give space for reflection and, hopefully, healthier interactions in the future.

We’re open to rebuilding the relationship, but it has to be grounded in respect, accountability, and a shared understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. Until then, maintaining some distance is the most responsible choice we can make as parents.

Are you OP?
If not, you didn't answer OP, just talked about your circumstances. BTW, not liking someone isn't the same as emotionally abusive behavior so that may or may not help answer teh question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t make this decision lightly. We value family relationships, and we understand how important those connections are. But our first responsibility is to ensure our child feels safe, respected, and emotionally secure.

When behavior crossed the line into what we believe was emotionally abusive, it became necessary for us to step back and reassess. Children are especially vulnerable to patterns that undermine their sense of self-worth, and it’s our job as parents to intervene when something isn’t healthy, even when that’s uncomfortable.

Creating distance isn’t about punishment or blame; it’s about establishing appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries are there to protect our child and to give space for reflection and, hopefully, healthier interactions in the future.

We’re open to rebuilding the relationship, but it has to be grounded in respect, accountability, and a shared understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. Until then, maintaining some distance is the most responsible choice we can make as parents.

Are you OP?
If not, you didn't answer OP, just talked about your circumstances. BTW, not liking someone isn't the same as emotionally abusive behavior so that may or may not help answer teh question.

I didn't answer either. My bad.
C) nuanced response from well educated DCUM poster from 10 years ago.

I doubt their attitudes are rubbing off on the cousins. More likely the parents' way of rearing them is doing this, and you are noticing a connection. You can't shield your children from "big" personalities, and unless they are doing something abusive like PP's situtation, we all have to learn how to navigate different people. They will take their values from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it always the inlaws? What about your parents? No issues there? How does DH feel?

What is it that makes them selfish? Correcting your grandkids is not a problem in and of itself, depending on circumstance.

Not liking someone's personality does not make them an inherently bad person. I did not care for my ILs personality, but they did raise a great son, to whom I've been happily married for years, and who made a great father. So it doesn't really matter if I like them or their personality particularly.

Lol- I love that you think you answered with C.
This was A.

Your kids are always going to be exposed to people and ways you don't like. It's up to you to raise them with your values, morals, and ethics so they learn how to navigate life--not shield them from it.

So...C?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t make this decision lightly. We value family relationships, and we understand how important those connections are. But our first responsibility is to ensure our child feels safe, respected, and emotionally secure.

When behavior crossed the line into what we believe was emotionally abusive, it became necessary for us to step back and reassess. Children are especially vulnerable to patterns that undermine their sense of self-worth, and it’s our job as parents to intervene when something isn’t healthy, even when that’s uncomfortable.

Creating distance isn’t about punishment or blame; it’s about establishing appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries are there to protect our child and to give space for reflection and, hopefully, healthier interactions in the future.

We’re open to rebuilding the relationship, but it has to be grounded in respect, accountability, and a shared understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. Until then, maintaining some distance is the most responsible choice we can make as parents.

Are you OP?
If not, you didn't answer OP, just talked about your circumstances. BTW, not liking someone isn't the same as emotionally abusive behavior so that may or may not help answer teh question.

I’m the PP. OP said the grandparents are “correcting the children in ways she doesn’t like”. Of course, without examples, we have no idea what that means.

My MIL started undermining in similar ways, but it escalated to the point that our child came home in tears. With no accountability, we limited contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t make this decision lightly. We value family relationships, and we understand how important those connections are. But our first responsibility is to ensure our child feels safe, respected, and emotionally secure.

When behavior crossed the line into what we believe was emotionally abusive, it became necessary for us to step back and reassess. Children are especially vulnerable to patterns that undermine their sense of self-worth, and it’s our job as parents to intervene when something isn’t healthy, even when that’s uncomfortable.

Creating distance isn’t about punishment or blame; it’s about establishing appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries are there to protect our child and to give space for reflection and, hopefully, healthier interactions in the future.

We’re open to rebuilding the relationship, but it has to be grounded in respect, accountability, and a shared understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. Until then, maintaining some distance is the most responsible choice we can make as parents.

Are you OP?
If not, you didn't answer OP, just talked about your circumstances. BTW, not liking someone isn't the same as emotionally abusive behavior so that may or may not help answer teh question.

I’m the PP. OP said the grandparents are “correcting the children in ways she doesn’t like”. Of course, without examples, we have no idea what that means.

My MIL started undermining in similar ways, but it escalated to the point that our child came home in tears. With no accountability, we limited contact.

Op here- and this is similar to what we are seeing. No need to go into specifics. I will say that the personality of both grandparents is extremely controlling and mercurial. I’m a laid back person by nature and I’m concerned I’ve allowed this situation to go unchecked for too long. I think I’ve been negligent in this matter. To give myself ( and in-laws) some grace, I will say that i think age and mental health are part of this scenario. These are older people pushing 80. Their personalities have changed.

[Anonymous]

Please keep your kids safe. It’s your job. Limit their exposure to these people, only supervised visits if any. Openly discuss inappropriate comments with your kids if any made during visits.

[Anonymous]

LOL I just KNEW it would be OP's in laws and not her own parents. So typical. There's nothing worse than a DCUM daughter-in-law. Somehow all of these horrible in laws managed to raise decent husbands. Go figure.

BORING

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it always the inlaws? What about your parents? No issues there? How does DH feel?

What is it that makes them selfish? Correcting your grandkids is not a problem in and of itself, depending on circumstance.

Not liking someone's personality does not make them an inherently bad person. I did not care for my ILs personality, but they did raise a great son, to whom I've been happily married for years, and who made a great father. So it doesn't really matter if I like them or their personality particularly.

Your kids are always going to be exposed to people and ways you don't like. It's up to you to raise them with your values, morals, and ethics so they learn how to navigate life--not shield them from it.

So...C?

Not OP, but plenty of posters complain about their own parents. My mother is a terror and I've taken steps to create and uphold boundaries. Your premise is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are bad people. Not criminals, just selfish a holes. A little background- I’m noticing some of their attitudes rubbing off on cousins. I don’t want this for my child. They have big personalities and “correct” all the grandchildren, often in ways I disagree. How does the group feel about limiting DC’s exposure to them?
A) “OP you’re being an asshat. Pot meet kettle. They are your child’s grandparents. Be the bigger person, you petty B.”
B) “ OP of course you shield your child from negative influences and guide them toward better people with empathy. That’s parenting. Duh”
C) nuanced response from well educated DCUM poster from 10 years ago.
D) other

My in laws are bad people. Not criminals, just selfish a holes. . Meaning they have money but won’t share it with us.

A little background- I’m noticing some of their attitudes rubbing off on cousins. I don’t want this for my child. Give an example of the attitudes and how they relate to being a bad person who is selfish.

They have big personalities and “correct” all the grandchildren, often in ways I disagree. What is a big personality? How do they “correct” all the grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

I grew up with difficult grandmothers. (Grandfathers were deceased before I was born.) One was immature and self absorbed. The other had a personality disorder. My parents were overly deferential toward both grandmothers, and I internalized that it was my responsibility to keep unstable people on an even keel—to be a people pleaser. I also saw explosive family arguments and witnessed rather offensive statements from my maternal grandmother. But everyone would remain for dinner through the tense atmosphere. That really normalized dysfunction for me, and I carried that into my young adult relationships. I didn’t be enfir much from these relationships, as they seemed to be mostly obligation based, and the relationships with my grandmothers only made maladaptive behaviors I learned from my parents worse.

Given my experiences, I believe strongly in limiting contact. To the extent that you do have contact, contextualize the grandparents behavior in child-appropriate ways, e.g. “Grandma has strong reactions to noise from video games. While we also like you to use headphones, we don’t agree with her choice to shout about it.”

[Anonymous]

I am honest about it and at times have curtailed visits or limited even phone contact.

My kids are all adults now and my dad died so a lot of the stress is over.

[Anonymous]

How does your DH, their son, feel about you limiting exposure to his parents? Does he agree that you should not attend family functions where they are also there, which is probably most of them?