Older parents - bickering all the time

[Anonymous]

My mom once berating my dad for eating a granola bar saying it was going to ruin his dinner. He told her he was a grown adult and could eat when he was hungry. Man was a saint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my mother. I fully believe she is unfulfilled in her marriage but also knows it’s too late to do anything about it, hence the resentment. I think she married my father for the wrong reasons (he was her escape from a bad family situation and no financial prospects to escape on her own).

Yep this is my mom too. She is always stressing what a “good provider” my dad was because that’s pretty much all he is to her. He’s deaf, in terrible health, completely sedentary and grumpy and angry all the time while she’s healthy and active. I know she gets depressed when she sees couples their age out and about and the man is wearing actual pants with a belt.

[Anonymous]

I truly believe my parents would be so much better off just getting divorced and living as housemates. They bicker constantly but it seems to be a function of expectations they have of what the other should do as "the wife/husband." If they just managed themselves and split the bills, I'd think they'd do okay.

They're in their 70s and to a point they've always been like this, but I think the empty nest and retirement has exacerbated things. I started realizing how bad it had become when my mom and I took a trip together and she fussed SO MUCH over taking too many bags or being late or bringing the right clothes (for herself). I was like, you're carrying your own stuff, our itinerary is flexible, and if you want some different clothes, we can buy some there, who cares? And she said that my dad would complain about her doing those things. Which seems pretty on brand.

But yeah, OP, my sympathies. It's miserable being around them together, although separate they're pretty okay.

[Anonymous]

My parents bicker because my dad is a narcissist and always has to be right.

My mom usually goes along with his behavior to keep the peace but then my dad usually starts a fight about politics or religion with whoever is at the table.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's from the decades of resentment, sometimes one party put up with the other for years and cannot take it any more... It's not so easy to divorce in your 70s and 80s and start anew, both financially and emotionally. I think there a few old couples who are still very nice to each other and bonded, and usually when one passes away, the other goes quickly as well. The rest are just waiting for one to die so that they'd get their peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

For decades, my mother was the Nagger-in-Chief of our house, and at times downright verbally abusive. I left as soon as I could and made a home far, far away, where she couldn't get to me. My father stayed, the picture of the meek and passive husband. Until this year, I could count on one hand the number of times in his life he raised his voice in anger, to any of us.

Well, this year, at 75, he was diagnosed with a very serious and rare illness that took forever to get diagnosed and treated. He suffered a lot. Since then, a switch flipped and he's been the Yeller-in-Chief in his house. My mother has gone all mousy and walks on eggshells. He's turned entirely inward, and only thinks of himself and his health and expects my mother to wait on him hand and foot, when before, it was the reverse. It's very jarring, I have to say.

I don't intervene much except to provide medical opinions, and I am glad to live far away. My mother has earned every criticism he throws at her.

[Anonymous]

This was my parents, too. My mom always looked like the nagging shrew next to my meek father. She passed away but not before telling me to keep my distance from him. Now that it’s just the two of us, I see all the ways he kept her life small, started with negativity, and objected over useless things. I see why she was the way she was now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH finally confronted his mom about it. She was very defensive at first, but got really upset and remorseful when DH mentioned the grandkids wondered why she hated grandpa. It’s been much better since then.

I wonder if sitting them down and telling them you'll see them less and the grandchildren will see them less, because it's so unpleasant, would help? Or unfortunately, maybe it would just be, "see what you've done! because of you ... "

Thanks for all the replies, folks. Sounds 100% normal, I guess. But I do not like it. They've known my feelings about this for years, and do try to avoid the bickering when I'm there. I have flat out told them to stop and that they are being rude, but the bickering continues. This came to a head because I was in a situation where I thought I'd have to spend a week with them and I was despairing. Luckily I was spared that week of horror.

I think a lot of this is due to the fact that my mom feels entitled to whatever she wants (Big-Time-Boomer) and my dad likes to be right. So ... man, it is rough for me.

I think next time I'm with them and they start to bicker I'll just up and leave the room. If they want to be with me (and maybe they don't!) they'll have to stop fighting.

.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly believe my parents would be so much better off just getting divorced and living as housemates. They bicker constantly but it seems to be a function of expectations they have of what the other should do as "the wife/husband." If they just managed themselves and split the bills, I'd think they'd do okay.

They're in their 70s and to a point they've always been like this, but I think the empty nest and retirement has exacerbated things. I started realizing how bad it had become when my mom and I took a trip together and she fussed SO MUCH over taking too many bags or being late or bringing the right clothes (for herself). I was like, you're carrying your own stuff, our itinerary is flexible, and if you want some different clothes, we can buy some there, who cares? And she said that my dad would complain about her doing those things. Which seems pretty on brand.

But yeah, OP, my sympathies. It's miserable being around them together, although separate they're pretty okay.

I think you are delusional that they'd do OK just as housemates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom once berating my dad for eating a granola bar saying it was going to ruin his dinner. He told her he was a grown adult and could eat when he was hungry. Man was a saint.

Same. My dad got berated for his nightly after dinner wine in a a teensy port glass (like 1/3 of a normal wine glass). It was like his one special treat, while she still was eating desserts.

[Anonymous]

My Boomer parents bicker nonstop too. Mom was a SAHM who cooked and cleaned for decades and kept an immaculate house. (Although you still had to hear about it and she'd yell if you made a mess) After dad retired, she got really upset about how he didn't start doing his 50% and she hasn't stopped complaining since. She's just bitter about her generation. She sees her daughters married men who change diapers, cook and clean 50%, and do so much more than just bring home a paycheck. She was shocked at how well dh took care of me when I was postpartum and also when I was bed ridden. Her mom had had to do such things when she was hospitalized.

I love my dad and don't think he's a bad husband. He doesn't make much mess, praises her cooking and fixes everything. But he thinks her cleaning standards are too high and he wants to relax and enjoy his retirement more and wishes she did the same.

The bickering is never ending though. I'm still glad they're married. I can't imagine putting up with either one of them on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my mother. I fully believe she is unfulfilled in her marriage but also knows it’s too late to do anything about it, hence the resentment. I think she married my father for the wrong reasons (he was her escape from a bad family situation and no financial prospects to escape on her own).

Yep this is my mom too. She is always stressing what a “good provider” my dad was because that’s pretty much all he is to her. He’s deaf, in terrible health, completely sedentary and grumpy and angry all the time while she’s healthy and active. I know she gets depressed when she sees couples their age out and about and the man is wearing actual pants with a belt.