Older parents - bickering all the time

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their 80s. They are still married and do help each other out, but they bicker all the time. Eye rolls when the other one talks. Is this normal? Do other older parents do this? My in-laws do not (although I'm never alone with them ... maybe they do when I'm not there). I find it so disrespectful - I don't want to be around my parents at all.

[Anonymous]

I once witnessed my grandparents argue whether their drapes were green-blue or blue-green. I saw this quarreling phenomena with other older people out shopping, at the mall. It seemed men had been dragged along to somewhere they didn't want to go. Don't do this ladies. Find other friends. Sometimes at restaurants elders quarrel with the waitstaff. I'd tell those elders ahead of time, if you do this, I'm not going to enjoy the meal and I will be going out with you less.

I'm older now myself Op. My DH and I do not bicker imho. I have some strategies and they work no matter the age. If he's done something and I'm mad, I know I'm mad, he may not know I'm mad. And mad may be too strong a word. I ask myself, has this happened yet? Yes, of course it has. It's happened. it's happened already. So, little good will come of commenting on it now. If it needs to be commented on, the only time it's going to have real impact is right before he might do it again. If I comment now, it's not going to be remembered. It's just going to be ugliness between us without having much impact. Another thing, when one of us is venting, pontificating, we remind each other -- whoever you are complaining about -- they can't hear you. They don't hear these vile words, but I am hearing it, And at some point, I'm no longer willing to.

[Anonymous]

My parents have already done this. It makes me cringe big time.

[Anonymous]

My parents retired to live in an RV and now they have a lot more little things to bicker about and a lot less space to do it in. They'd tell you they're having the time of their lives though.

[Anonymous]

My parents in their early 80s have always been like this. I used to hate in when I was younger and living at home. They seem to be more on better behavior now when I visit with DH and my kids. But after a day or two I see it start to creep back up. I just don't understand why they don't give each other a little more grace. Do you really need to snipe at the other one because they're standing in front of the coffee maker when you want to fill up your cup? My DH and I are not like this with each other at all and when we do have a fight its not in front of our kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid I'm like this with my DH. He wants attention and then purposefully positions himself blocking me. Like he would on purpose stand in front of the coffee maker if someone else wants a cup. Or in front of the sink. Or even in the doorway. He's physically blocking me. Needless to say I can barely stand him and no, I don't intend to do this until my 80s.

[Anonymous]

I swear my parents loathe each other most of the time. It's gotten much worse since they've retired and moved to Florida. I've come to dread spending any time with them, at their place or mine.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this and they're in their late 60s. They choose to take everything the other says as a slight and never give each other the beneit of the doubt, like ever. Every comment is taken personally and escalated. I find myself constantly redirecting and diffusing, which works well in the immediate but it is exhausting. My dad just retired (mom retired a few months before and had just gotten into her routine), so I'm hoping it will get better as they find their new normal. I'm not optimistic though. There really seems to be a lot of contempt even though they are also very loyal. I hope my marriage never becomes like that.

[Anonymous]

This is my mother. I fully believe she is unfulfilled in her marriage but also knows it’s too late to do anything about it, hence the resentment. I think she married my father for the wrong reasons (he was her escape from a bad family situation and no financial prospects to escape on her own).

[Anonymous]

it's great entertainment.

[Anonymous]

My parents bickered their whole lives and it made everything miserable, especially holidays. They were still bickering in hospice the night beside my dad died. It was so awful I can't bring myself to even lend my mom an ear when she talks about missing my dad.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are like this. Early 70s, MIL is the main perpetrator. She is a strong personality and FIL mostly goes along with whatever she wants. Over the past few years it got a lot worse, mostly MIL berating and insulting FIL for not doing X correctly, not remembering to do Y, etc. DH finally confronted his mom about it. She was very defensive at first, but got really upset and remorseful when DH mentioned the grandkids wondered why she hated grandpa. It’s been much better since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are like this. Early 70s, MIL is the main perpetrator. She is a strong personality and FIL mostly goes along with whatever she wants. Over the past few years it got a lot worse, mostly MIL berating and insulting FIL for not doing X correctly, not remembering to do Y, etc. DH finally confronted his mom about it. She was very defensive at first, but got really upset and remorseful when DH mentioned the grandkids wondered why she hated grandpa. It’s been much better since then.

+1 - you might be my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 80s. They are still married and do help each other out, but they bicker all the time. Eye rolls when the other one talks. Is this normal? Do other older parents do this? My in-laws do not (although I'm never alone with them ... maybe they do when I'm not there). I find it so disrespectful - I don't want to be around my parents at all.

Some couples and people of all ages do bicker. Any individual might be super controlling on basic household stuff/operations. Whether the bicker was between the couple or others having to be in the household..

We're older and had a major bicker one day on who was going to clean up a huge dog poo in the middle of a room at family's house. Not our dog.

[Anonymous]

DH finally confronted his mom about it. She was very defensive at first, but got really upset and remorseful when DH mentioned the grandkids wondered why she hated grandpa. It’s been much better since then.

I wonder if sitting them down and telling them you'll see them less and the grandchildren will see them less, because it's so unpleasant, would help? Or unfortunately, maybe it would just be, "see what you've done! because of you ... "