At what point do you punish your adhd kid?

[Anonymous]

OP it's hard. I also have a teen with ADHD and we try to balance between natural consequences AND troubleshooting conversations to help them with workarounds.Then we hold them accountable to executing the workarounds. When they miss the bus, we'll ask them where they ran into issues or what they were missing to be able to make the bus, then identify steps to solve it. Best if they identify their own ideas. E.g., if their issue is they didn't know what time to be out the door, then they decide to start a habit of looking at the bus schedule as soon as they get up. THEN, when they fail to do their workaround (forgot to check the schedule), they get natural consequences and have to walk. Because now they have something very specific they know they need to do next time. I agree with pp that natural consequences are a must - they need that external pressure to want to use the workarounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Post on Special Needs forum. Natural Consequences approach doesn’t fit with ADHD brain.

Eyeroll. Yes it does. What is your genius plan for when this kid becomes an adult with "ADHD brain"? Just tell their boss consequences don't fit?

But more importantly, a mile is a reasonable distance for a teenager to walk for any reason or just as part of the daily routine. It isn't harmful, it's beneficial to them. So there's no reason for OP to be late to work to spare her kid this healthy walk.

Yes, parents of ADHD kids need to be VERY careful with the "it's not your fault, it's just your brain" approach to ADHD. It's your brain AND also it's your responsibility.

This is how you wind up with adults who do things like lie and procrastinate at work or in their important relationships, and then when it causes negative impacts on others, say "well you can't be mad because it's my ADHD." Actually, it's your ADHD and also people can and will be mad. Everybody has problems and you need to figure out how to deal with this one. Scapegoating your neurological disorder is not a longterm solution.

Agree with others that walking to school is both a natural consequence and a perfectly good work around for missing the bus. Rescuing him by driving him is not goign to help him fix it in the future, and it's going to be useless in a few years when he's no longer living at home and has to get to college classes or a job on time without the option of you driving him.

It's important that kids with neurological differences not be shamed for those differences, but that doesn't mean they don't need to take responsibility for figuring out how to be functional. You can help them find the solutions and provide supports (which it sounds like OP has done) but at the end of the day they have to be responsible for it. It's not an excuse. It's only an explanation.

[Anonymous]

I dated someone like this in college. Nothing was ever his fault, and his mom excused and enabled him (from a distance) every step of the way. If he was running late and didn't lock his bike and it was stolen, she bought him a new one. She paid for his laundry service because using the dorm laundry room was too hard. Every paper was late, every extension requested every professor's patience exhausted. I was a naive 18 year old who had never encountered severe ADHD before and I thought she was a helicopter mom. Eventually I realized this is what she had to do to get him into college but she had no plan for what would happen when he was out of her house. And then I realized I was her plan.

Reader, I dumped them.

[Anonymous]

Arrgh! My husband is like this with his understanding of ADHD. I have ADHD as do my kids. They aren't doing this on purpose, it is a disability and it affects them all day long, every day. If a person with diabetes blood sugar gets low, do you blame them? No you help them work out methods so they can do better next time. Get them an executive function coach. Not all are good, my DD first one also had ADHD and was not effective. Their brains work differently and usual strategies won't work. But there are effective ones out there. Think if it is this hard for you, how hard is it for them with the actions they are having to initiate all day long and the criticism they are getting when they make an error, due to their disability. In the long wrong they will become good at troubleshooting because of this experience, but in the near term it is hard. Work with them. Lots of good books out there for parents. Get them an Executive Function coach, if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Arrgh! My husband is like this with his understanding of ADHD. I have ADHD as do my kids. They aren't doing this on purpose, it is a disability and it affects them all day long, every day. If a person with diabetes blood sugar gets low, do you blame them? No you help them work out methods so they can do better next time. Get them an executive function coach. Not all are good, my DD first one also had ADHD and was not effective. Their brains work differently and usual strategies won't work. But there are effective ones out there. Think if it is this hard for you, how hard is it for them with the actions they are having to initiate all day long and the criticism they are getting when they make an error, due to their disability. In the long wrong they will become good at troubleshooting because of this experience, but in the near term it is hard. Work with them. Lots of good books out there for parents. Get them an Executive Function coach, if you can afford it.

How many years has your husband been failing to manage his ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated someone like this in college. Nothing was ever his fault, and his mom excused and enabled him (from a distance) every step of the way. If he was running late and didn't lock his bike and it was stolen, she bought him a new one. She paid for his laundry service because using the dorm laundry room was too hard. Every paper was late, every extension requested every professor's patience exhausted. I was a naive 18 year old who had never encountered severe ADHD before and I thought she was a helicopter mom. Eventually I realized this is what she had to do to get him into college but she had no plan for what would happen when he was out of her house. And then I realized I was her plan.

Reader, I dumped them.

Yes. All those DCUM posts by parents whose kids have ADHD and bury the lede that they ahd/or spouse have ADHD too...

[Anonymous]

I have a 13yo DD with adhd. I’d make your son walk if he misses the bus. However, set him up for success in the mornings. Mine wants 2 alarms to get up so he accommodate that. If we are not at home I set another alarm to be downstairs, another one with a 5 min warning to leave the house and another one that means be ready and walking out the door.
I try not to engage in pointless arguments, it’s hard but remember as an adult we need to try and de escalate not escalate.

I wouldn’t punish for either.

[Anonymous]

make them walk/jog. 12 minute light jog.
I'm a newly single WOHM, with now latch key kids. It's amazing how they step up, when there's no safety net

[Anonymous]

I punish my ADHD kid, just like I punish my neurotypical kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time blindness causes them to miss the bus- do you make them walk? School is a mile away - kid is a teenager. Driving them makes me half hour late.

Or they say they didn't get a Christmas present that you know you bought them and put in their stocking. How do you make them take accountability for that?

I'm just imagining them telling their boss they never got an assignment their boss gave them. Or missing deadlines. At times, I am totally out of patience and don't know how I will survive the next 3 to 7 years.

I'd wake them up every morning and make sure they get to school. If it's safe, they can walk. If they want a ride, they need to be ready earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time blindness causes them to miss the bus- do you make them walk? School is a mile away - kid is a teenager. Driving them makes me half hour late.

Or they say they didn't get a Christmas present that you know you bought them and put in their stocking. How do you make them take accountability for that?

I'm just imagining them telling their boss they never got an assignment their boss gave them. Or missing deadlines. At times, I am totally out of patience and don't know how I will survive the next 3 to 7 years.

I'd wake them up every morning and make sure they get to school. If it's safe, they can walk. If they want a ride, they need to be ready earlier.

Okay, but leave it to an ADHD kid to actually walk to school on their own with no supervision and report back. I would love to drop the rope, but that would be a guaranteed failure. Natural consequences work to a degree, but you have to keep them moving forward on some things, quite literally.

[Anonymous]

If you're my parents, right away. And yes, I did walk to school, and did once have to call (and pay for) a taxi. ADHD was never an excuse - it just meant I had to work harder to get things done. As an adult, I had to write down tasks I was assigned on post-its and slap them on the corresponding papers if there were any. "Fax to Jen by 4pm 3/17." "Email Ken to confirm registration to Regional XYZ meeting." "Call Ben at Cipriani for reservation - 5 at 7pm 3/20." I had to stay 10 minutes late each day to write out tomorrow's to-do list. To this day, 30 years into my career, I have a lot of reminders in my Outlook calendar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're my parents, right away. And yes, I did walk to school, and did once have to call (and pay for) a taxi. ADHD was never an excuse - it just meant I had to work harder to get things done. As an adult, I had to write down tasks I was assigned on post-its and slap them on the corresponding papers if there were any. "Fax to Jen by 4pm 3/17." "Email Ken to confirm registration to Regional XYZ meeting." "Call Ben at Cipriani for reservation - 5 at 7pm 3/20." I had to stay 10 minutes late each day to write out tomorrow's to-do list. To this day, 30 years into my career, I have a lot of reminders in my Outlook calendar.

Sounds like by not saving you from yourself as a child, your parents forced you to develop the skills to manage your ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Natural consequences are not punishment, and they are your most effective teaching method. Walking a mile to school is excellent, it will do them good.

I would come down on the lying pretty hard though.

Op here. I hate lying more than anything else in the world. Sometimes he impulsively lies not to get in trouble, but sometimes he doesn't remember. He once said he had the memory of a goldfish. When I said that back to him a few weeks later, he said he never said that. It's pure torture.

You're a terrible parent. I feel so bad for kid with disabilities who have parents who are so ignorant. Go ahead azzhat, punish your kid for their disabilities all day long. That's clearly the way to build a confident, happy human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're my parents, right away. And yes, I did walk to school, and did once have to call (and pay for) a taxi. ADHD was never an excuse - it just meant I had to work harder to get things done. As an adult, I had to write down tasks I was assigned on post-its and slap them on the corresponding papers if there were any. "Fax to Jen by 4pm 3/17." "Email Ken to confirm registration to Regional XYZ meeting." "Call Ben at Cipriani for reservation - 5 at 7pm 3/20." I had to stay 10 minutes late each day to write out tomorrow's to-do list. To this day, 30 years into my career, I have a lot of reminders in my Outlook calendar.

Sounds like by not saving you from yourself as a child, your parents forced you to develop the skills to manage your ADHD.

What bullshite. People with executive functioning issues and adhd often can't "manage" their disabilities. You are actually denying the kid has a disability.