“That makes me look fat”

[Anonymous]

My response would be "It fits differently than it did last year because your body is changing as you get older. Let's find something that you feel more comfortable in."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response would be "It fits differently than it did last year because your body is changing as you get older. Let's find something that you feel more comfortable in."

Do this. I developed an hourglass figure and large breasts about this age and my mom took me shopping and we went to the teen and adult departments. I bought new clothes and adjusted into my look and it was fun. I hadn't even had my period yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really have any advice but wanted to say my 12 year old says the same thing. She doesn’t believe any of her family when we say she’s beautiful. She’s in 6th grade and while a lot of her friends look like her, there are many kids at her school that are still pre pubescent and tiny and she always compares herself to them. She’s gone shopping for new clothes, says she likes them in the dressing room , but then won’t wear any of them once we’re home.

I think when you feel badly about they way you look, taking any risks with clothes feels like too much. these are tough years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It doesn't feel right because the clothes no longer fit properly. It's the clothes' job to fit you, not your job to fit the clothes. Let's go shopping for things that fit."

It's hard when she's ahead of the curve, but this will pass and eventually the late bloomers will be angsting about that. "You are beautiful" will go in one ear and out the other. I took my blooming 11yo to the Old Navy factory outlet at National Harbor, parked her in a dressing room with a book and brought her things to try on in various sizes so she could see the difference in fit. The salesgirl told her she looked great in certain things and she believed it. She just couldn't believe it coming from me.

I like this message as it removes all hint of body shaming and as an early bloomer I think I would have loved to hear that. I had my father telling me I was beautiful and my mother telling me, that pattern makes your hips look SO wide etc. Neither were helpful at all! I didn’t believe my father and my mother made me feel fat, and that looking fat was a cardinal sin.

[Anonymous]

"I disagree that those shorts make you look fat but it's important that YOU feel comfortable and cute in what you are wearing. When can I take you shopping for some new clothes?"

[Anonymous]

"It doesn't feel right because the clothes no longer fit properly. It's the clothes' job to fit you, not your job to fit the clothes. Let's go shopping for things that fit."

I also really like this. It's a fact that she's growing. Clothes look different on you when you grow taller, or thicker, which is a normal thing that happens in life, and this message doesn't imply any shame or pretend that this isn't happening. It's a good opportunity to explain how clothes flatter different body types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I disagree that those shorts make you look fat but it's important that YOU feel comfortable and cute in what you are wearing. When can I take you shopping for some new clothes?"

+1 - this is exactly what I would say & do

[Anonymous]

I think people do "feel fat" if their clothes are too tight or otherwise constricting. I would say "I think that outfit is scraping against your skin" or "constricting your motion" or "making you uncomfortable".

I've had a some talks with my DD about our mutual body type (medium build, Eastern European hips), and how it was hard for me growing up in the 90s when the emaciated waif style was so trendy. Told her that her generation is shaking off that BS and embracing health, diversity, and confidence. She rolled her eyes. I said if she wants to eat more healthy I'm happy to take her Easter candy off her hands. She declined.

[Anonymous]

1) Outlet shopping lowers the stakes financially. Teach her to leave tags on until she actually wears something, in case she changes her mind.

2) Find some other fault with the article of clothing (worn, faded, stained, no longer on trend or age-appropriate). Don't get into an "I look fat" "No you don't" "Yes I do" "No you don't". If she's saying she doesn't feel right, then she doesn't feel right. Teach her the vocabulary to express why.

3) "You are such a good kid, I think we should get lunch and do a little shopping so that you have some fresh things for springtime."

4) It's a hard age because they may like something that only comes in smaller sizes. Or sometimes they can wear ladies XS but don't like the styles because they seem too adult/boring. And it's overwhelming to have to shop in two departments. Get her started in a dressing room, then you take a quick pass solo through the ladies section for XS things she might like.

5) I taught my DD to work from a defined color palette so that things go with other things. Navy and gray as her neutrals, and green, pink, purple, and light/medium blue as her main colors. Generally sticking to that makes life a lot simpler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just keep telling her how beautiful she is, she is heathy, and people come in different shapes and sizes and not to compare. Maybe share a story? Did you develop sooner than peer and recall feeling this way? I know I did.

while also adding, "but if that's how you feel, then that's fine/I understand/everyone feels that way some days" so she doesn't block you out with all the pretend wisdom. We all feel fat/unattractive/out of style sometimes and to pretend we live in a unicorn world where no one SHOULD feel that way really isn't helpful. She needs to know you're not spinning some tale about how the world is so you can manipulate her into feeling something she doesn't or seeing herself in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Tween/teen girls change taste of clothes for various reasons, mine is the same. I now let her pick clothes when shopping, and she would wear all without complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I disagree that those shorts make you look fat but it's important that YOU feel comfortable and cute in what you are wearing. When can I take you shopping for some new clothes?"

+1 - this is exactly what I would say & do

This. I would stay clear of the “fit properly” comments. She may still not like her thighs in shorts of a larger size either. She’s comparing herself to the thin prepubescent girls. She will not look like them in any size of any clothes.

[Anonymous]

Swim with the current.

Yes some clothes make us look fat when we aren’t. Everybody should pick clothes that compliment them.

You can still wear baggy clothes if that is something you like or want to be comfortable don’t worry always how you look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response would be "It fits differently than it did last year because your body is changing as you get older. Let's find something that you feel more comfortable in."

This is the best response. She said the clothes “made her look fat” not that she is fat. I can’t remember any summer until my 20s that I could comfortably wear the same clothes as the year before. You gain weight in one spot, grow a few inches and that spot leans out, then your boobs grow, etc. Let her find some clothes (in her own style) that fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My response would be "It fits differently than it did last year because your body is changing as you get older. Let's find something that you feel more comfortable in."

Do this. I developed an hourglass figure and large breasts about this age and my mom took me shopping and we went to the teen and adult departments. I bought new clothes and adjusted into my look and it was fun. I hadn't even had my period yet.

Meanwhile my mom took me to Ann Taylor and bought me a ribbed mock turtleneck top and corduroy pants. Because “this will fit you now.”

All I wanted was an Old Navy baby tee and an Abercrombie flannel to wear over it.

Take her to a cute teen store please! Altar’d state or Aritzia or wherever. Don’t be my Ann Taylor mom.