“That makes me look fat”

[Anonymous]

I’m grateful my 11 y/o tween shares her thoughts with me, and would like some wisdom on how to respond to these comments in the moment.

E.g., she’s struggling with picking out what to wear and rejects a short because “last year I liked them, but this year they make me look fat.”

For the record, she is not fat but hit puberty earlier and IS much taller and curvier than her peers. She is healthy and perfect for HER, but now she’s starting to focus on these things and is not liking how much bigger her adult-shaped frame is than “all of the other girls that are so little and cute”

[Anonymous]

I would just keep telling her how beautiful she is, she is heathy, and people come in different shapes and sizes and not to compare. Maybe share a story? Did you develop sooner than peer and recall feeling this way? I know I did.

[Anonymous]

If she has grown, her clothes probably do fit differently. Can you take her to get some things for summer? maybe her shorts feel too tight or short now? I would gently remind her that she is growing and expected to be growing. She may not like that in the moment - I wouldn't dwell on it. I would focus on finding her things that make her comfortable/confident. do you expect she will be tall? her peers may not catch up.

[Anonymous]

You are beautiful. Let’s go shopping and look for some new clothes.

[Anonymous]

"It doesn't feel right because the clothes no longer fit properly. It's the clothes' job to fit you, not your job to fit the clothes. Let's go shopping for things that fit."

It's hard when she's ahead of the curve, but this will pass and eventually the late bloomers will be angsting about that. "You are beautiful" will go in one ear and out the other. I took my blooming 11yo to the Old Navy factory outlet at National Harbor, parked her in a dressing room with a book and brought her things to try on in various sizes so she could see the difference in fit. The salesgirl told her she looked great in certain things and she believed it. She just couldn't believe it coming from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are beautiful. Let’s go shopping and look for some new clothes.

This.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really have any advice but wanted to say my 12 year old says the same thing. She doesn’t believe any of her family when we say she’s beautiful. She’s in 6th grade and while a lot of her friends look like her, there are many kids at her school that are still pre pubescent and tiny and she always compares herself to them. She’s gone shopping for new clothes, says she likes them in the dressing room , but then won’t wear any of them once we’re home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are beautiful. Let’s go shopping and look for some new clothes.

Specifically assure her she does not look fat. Then offer the shopping trip. Girls gotta have cute clothes!

[Anonymous]

Hopefully what she might really be thinking is: this doesn't look good on me. Maybe "fat" is just saying, "not flattering". And she may be right. She might have a good eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It doesn't feel right because the clothes no longer fit properly. It's the clothes' job to fit you, not your job to fit the clothes. Let's go shopping for things that fit."

It's hard when she's ahead of the curve, but this will pass and eventually the late bloomers will be angsting about that. "You are beautiful" will go in one ear and out the other. I took my blooming 11yo to the Old Navy factory outlet at National Harbor, parked her in a dressing room with a book and brought her things to try on in various sizes so she could see the difference in fit. The salesgirl told her she looked great in certain things and she believed it. She just couldn't believe it coming from me.

This isn’t true though. Short shorts and cropped shirts look a whole lot different on a very thin girl with no curves than they do on a thicker girl with curves- even if the size fits.

[Anonymous]

Yay but keeping short shorts and cropped shirts out of their wardrobe, for any reason, is the ideal.

[Anonymous]

As a chubby kid, I hated when my mom told me I wasn't chubby. What I really wanted was for her to help me slim down- family walks, healthier dinners. I didn't have a skewed sense of what I looked like, nor an unhealthy body image. I was just being fed junk food and no exercise.

I'd ask her what she'd like to wear or how you can help her choose different clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It doesn't feel right because the clothes no longer fit properly. It's the clothes' job to fit you, not your job to fit the clothes. Let's go shopping for things that fit."

It's hard when she's ahead of the curve, but this will pass and eventually the late bloomers will be angsting about that. "You are beautiful" will go in one ear and out the other. I took my blooming 11yo to the Old Navy factory outlet at National Harbor, parked her in a dressing room with a book and brought her things to try on in various sizes so she could see the difference in fit. The salesgirl told her she looked great in certain things and she believed it. She just couldn't believe it coming from me.

“You are beautiful” may go in one ear and out the other, but parents (both of them!! Dad needs to get in on this too) still need to say it. It does help with self esteem, and when girls hear dad saying it to mom and also to them, it teaches relationship stuff.

And yeah, take her shopping for things that are more flattering now that her body has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are beautiful. Let’s go shopping and look for some new clothes.

This.

I would not say, "You are beautiful."

I would absolutely say, "You're growing just as you should be! I felt like that, too, when I was growing up. Let’s go shopping and look for some clothes that feel good on your body."

[Anonymous]

So tell her she's not fat and looks beautiful when she says that.