Telling ex’s family the truth about him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You family. Yes, you should share your info, so you can still have a relationship.

In laws. Don't bother. They're out of your life.

Acquaintances. Interesting you didn't say friends. Are these people actually important to you, or are you just frustrated that Ex "won?"

Moving on and living your best life is your best revenge.

Not sure if you’ve gone through a divorce before but some people take sides. I did not lose any good friends. A couple female acquaintances who were charmed by ex and had internalized misogyny and their own daddy/ex issues took his side, no big loss but stung at the time because I had confided in them.

Ex was sexually weird and asked me to watch him sleep with men. I’m pretty sure he started his smear campaign as offense so that if I ever told no one would believe me.

If this is the case definitely yes even more so. You don’t want him having strange men around your children and everyone needs to be on notice to look out for that possibility.

[Anonymous]

I believed what my brother said about his ex. Within about a year post-divorce there were things about his actions in his new dating life that I found morally questionable. It was enough of a problem that I no longer speak to my brother. If my ex SIL contacted me to share details of their past sex life I am not suddenly going to rekindle any friendship we used to have. I am just moving on from both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does this ever help a situation at all?

Ex made up tons of lies about me and smeared me when I separated from him. The truth is that he really was an a*hole and I even have texts and emails to prove it. But as a result of his smear campaign (he said I had affairs and was mentally ill, both not true), my own family, in laws, and a couple acquaintances stopped talking to me. After a prolonged divorce and custody fight it’s over.

I wrote down what really happened. I am tempted to send it to one of his cousins. I know it’s he said she said situation. Is there any reason I should do this or just move on?

Yes. Send them everything with screenshots and attachments. Except any single female friends who took his side, let them be his next victims so you can laugh.

That makes you look crazy, even if he’s wrong. Just move on. Don’t bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believed what my brother said about his ex. Within about a year post-divorce there were things about his actions in his new dating life that I found morally questionable. It was enough of a problem that I no longer speak to my brother. If my ex SIL contacted me to share details of their past sex life I am not suddenly going to rekindle any friendship we used to have. I am just moving on from both of them.

This. Time is on your side if you're in the right. I speak from experience. And my kids and mutual friends appreciate me all the more for not dragging them into my skirmish with my ex/their father. Instead they found out from friends' parents and from his subsequent formal diagnoses, including bipolar disorder.

[Anonymous]

Who do you think you are?

You can’t tell your x husbands family about their child- loved one.

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believed what my brother said about his ex. Within about a year post-divorce there were things about his actions in his new dating life that I found morally questionable. It was enough of a problem that I no longer speak to my brother. If my ex SIL contacted me to share details of their past sex life I am not suddenly going to rekindle any friendship we used to have. I am just moving on from both of them.

This. Time is on your side if you're in the right. I speak from experience. And my kids and mutual friends appreciate me all the more for not dragging them into my skirmish with my ex/their father. Instead they found out from friends' parents and from his subsequent formal diagnoses, including bipolar disorder.

OP - you are probably right. This is what I need to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think his side of the family is a lost cause. However, I’m kind of shocked your own family took his side. That’s insane.

Focus on your children and rebuilding your village.

Definitely tell your family and make sure that you have people on your side who know the truth. I think there may be a point in the future where in-laws reach out and you want to clear the air. I wouldn’t reach out until at least a year after the divorce.

Talk to a therapist about how to navigate in-laws and your children.

My mother has had some kind of jealousy toward me for a long time. I didn’t know what but in therapy am starting to see her as she is. I am adopted and anything I do in life that strays from her full control and plan for me and she believes makes her perfect life less perfect, causes anger at me. Me having a failed marriage left her to court more male attention (I know, sick) and play the perfect mother in law. She is horrid to my brother’s wife, constantly making fun of her and putting down her appearance and weight. It should not be a loss to lose my parents yet it stings anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this ever help a situation at all?

Ex made up tons of lies about me and smeared me when I separated from him. The truth is that he really was an a*hole and I even have texts and emails to prove it. But as a result of his smear campaign (he said I had affairs and was mentally ill, both not true), my own family, in laws, and a couple acquaintances stopped talking to me. After a prolonged divorce and custody fight it’s over.

I wrote down what really happened. I am tempted to send it to one of his cousins. I know it’s he said she said situation. Is there any reason I should do this or just move on?

There is no upside at all to what you’re thinking of doing. It won’t go like you fantasize and you will lose your dignity. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your family, but if they believed the lies already, that is telling. I would not bother with his family. If your family is highly dysfunctional and/or if you aren't that close, I might not even share with them.

I am low contact with my own mother due to many things, but what was the final straw were some highly unethical things she did that I would not support. She has smeared me and my husband to my extended family on her side and my late father's side most of whom never even liked her, but these are high drama systems. It is not worth trying to defend myself and feeding any drama even though I have proof. I didn't have more than superficial relationships with any of them, but I was always kind and respectful and stayed out of gossip. my husband is a truly incredible person and badmouthing him is like badmouthing Mr. Rogers-you'd have to be crazy. So if they want to hate us, let them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think his side of the family is a lost cause. However, I’m kind of shocked your own family took his side. That’s insane.

Focus on your children and rebuilding your village.

Definitely tell your family and make sure that you have people on your side who know the truth. I think there may be a point in the future where in-laws reach out and you want to clear the air. I wouldn’t reach out until at least a year after the divorce.

Talk to a therapist about how to navigate in-laws and your children.

My mother has had some kind of jealousy toward me for a long time. I didn’t know what but in therapy am starting to see her as she is. I am adopted and anything I do in life that strays from her full control and plan for me and she believes makes her perfect life less perfect, causes anger at me. Me having a failed marriage left her to court more male attention (I know, sick) and play the perfect mother in law. She is horrid to my brother’s wife, constantly making fun of her and putting down her appearance and weight. It should not be a loss to lose my parents yet it stings anyway.

OP I just posted, but my mother (who smeared both my husband and me) used to try to get my husband to side with her against me. My mother is exactly like yours with control and needing to seem perfect. I get it that you will always yearn for the mother she will never be. Allow yourself to feel the feelings, but you have to accept you will not convince her of anything. Detach!!!! She is not capable of being emotionally mature. I would not even share your side and if she brings it up let her know it was lies and leave it at that. She may just feed the drama for her own needs.

[Anonymous]

I have been there. Best is to get all those people out of your life.
Write it all down if you want to and save the texts and file it all away. One day, you will want to throw all this garbage out and you'll wonder why you even wasted to write it out. Writing it all out does help though.
His family probably knows him. They just don't want to take sides. Who cares about the acquaintances, and your family has their own problems.

[Anonymous]

My brother smeared my ex sister in law in a similar way. We did believe him. But my family isn't the type to go after her. We were trying to keep peace for the sake of the grandkids (my nephews). We were always courteous to her.

Thankfully. The truth came out years later, that it was all my brother's fault. Which, once we saw the full picture, it all tracked.

Just sending this your way because the truth does eventually make itself known - his behavior isn't going to stop and he will do it to others. Try to keep your kids and your blood relatives safe and happy, and don't let him live rent-free in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother smeared my ex sister in law in a similar way. We did believe him. But my family isn't the type to go after her. We were trying to keep peace for the sake of the grandkids (my nephews). We were always courteous to her.

Thankfully. The truth came out years later, that it was all my brother's fault. Which, once we saw the full picture, it all tracked.

Just sending this your way because the truth does eventually make itself known - his behavior isn't going to stop and he will do it to others. Try to keep your kids and your blood relatives safe and happy, and don't let him live rent-free in your head.

OP - thank you. These similar stories make me feel better. It’s the lack of justice on top of my own grieving of the life I thought I had that is hard.

[Anonymous]

Tell them directly when you see them and show them proof if you have them on you. But avoid sending emails or letters etc. It could backfire.

Good luck!