Telling ex’s family the truth about him

[Anonymous]

Does this ever help a situation at all?

Ex made up tons of lies about me and smeared me when I separated from him. The truth is that he really was an a*hole and I even have texts and emails to prove it. But as a result of his smear campaign (he said I had affairs and was mentally ill, both not true), my own family, in laws, and a couple acquaintances stopped talking to me. After a prolonged divorce and custody fight it’s over.

I wrote down what really happened. I am tempted to send it to one of his cousins. I know it’s he said she said situation. Is there any reason I should do this or just move on?

[Anonymous]

no

[Anonymous]

You family. Yes, you should share your info, so you can still have a relationship.

In laws. Don't bother. They're out of your life.

Acquaintances. Interesting you didn't say friends. Are these people actually important to you, or are you just frustrated that Ex "won?"

Moving on and living your best life is your best revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You family. Yes, you should share your info, so you can still have a relationship.

In laws. Don't bother. They're out of your life.

Acquaintances. Interesting you didn't say friends. Are these people actually important to you, or are you just frustrated that Ex "won?"

Moving on and living your best life is your best revenge.

Not sure if you’ve gone through a divorce before but some people take sides. I did not lose any good friends. A couple female acquaintances who were charmed by ex and had internalized misogyny and their own daddy/ex issues took his side, no big loss but stung at the time because I had confided in them.

Ex was sexually weird and asked me to watch him sleep with men. I’m pretty sure he started his smear campaign as offense so that if I ever told no one would believe me.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bother with your in-laws. Lost cause and they’ll never believe you.
I’d call out your own family though, and demand to know why they took his side so readily.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

If you have nothing to lose, package up your evidence and send it to his mom.

I believe outing liars is important.

If his mom doesn't know what he's like and she's sane, it may help to inoculate his family re: his b.s. If his mom can't accept the truth, there's no point communicating with anyone else on his side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids?

If you have nothing to lose, package up your evidence and send it to his mom.

I believe outing liars is important.

If his mom doesn't know what he's like and she's sane, it may help to inoculate his family re: his b.s. If his mom can't accept the truth, there's no point communicating with anyone else on his side.

PP. Okay, I see you have kids. I still think you need to change the mind of your kids' grandmother or there is no point. Cousins, ex-FIL don't matter. Maybe you don't need to crudely dump your evidence but you may have an opportunity at some point to discuss and I would take it.

Nobody likes children to get in the middle but if they know the truth, you can give them permission to share their truth with grandma.

[Anonymous]

I doubt this is real.

If someone starts telling me negative stuff about a relative or friend, I will go ask that relative/friend and compare the two stories, and decide which one is most credible. I will never reflexively believe only one side.

My family would be in huge trouble if they believed lies about me!!!

On the off chance this is real, you should read the riot act to your own family. Feel free to send a letter or contact the in-laws directly, but that's not your priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this ever help a situation at all?

Ex made up tons of lies about me and smeared me when I separated from him. The truth is that he really was an a*hole and I even have texts and emails to prove it. But as a result of his smear campaign (he said I had affairs and was mentally ill, both not true), my own family, in laws, and a couple acquaintances stopped talking to me. After a prolonged divorce and custody fight it’s over.

I wrote down what really happened. I am tempted to send it to one of his cousins. I know it’s he said she said situation. Is there any reason I should do this or just move on?

This makes no sense. If you had proof he was lying about you, you should have used it a long time ago so that your own family would know he was lying about you.

Is what you have unrelated texts/emails where he is just being a jerk, but that have nothing to do with your alleged affairs and mental health issues? If so, they are not worth anything at all at this point. (And you would have used them in the custody fight anyway.)

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that being a jerk is not important here. What matters is that you refute the allegations. It doesn't matter that you don't have proof of a negative. He doesn't have proof either. Your family should believe you because they know you and should realize you are not that sort of person. His family should also have your side, even if they reserve judgement or chose to believe their own.

Stand up for yourself, OP.

I've never experienced such a situation with an (ex) spouse, but my mother did try to spread lies about me to her sisters, because she's not rational and tends to say whatever when she's upset. Since my aunts know her, and know me, they chose to believe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt this is real.

If someone starts telling me negative stuff about a relative or friend, I will go ask that relative/friend and compare the two stories, and decide which one is most credible. I will never reflexively believe only one side.

My family would be in huge trouble if they believed lies about me!!!

On the off chance this is real, you should read the riot act to your own family. Feel free to send a letter or contact the in-laws directly, but that's not your priority.

My mother is a control freak and very anxious. A long time ago she convinced my ex to do work for their business. My brother who is not all there works for them as well. Ex does maybe 5 hours a month for them. This is why they did not cut him off. I cut them off because during a very ugly custody fight they continued to go behind my back with him. The work he does is easily replaceable. I could probably do it myself. But they are sexist and religious so whatever he said to them made them think I was in the wrong. I did read my mother the riot act.

Actually I answered my own question. I don’t want these people in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt this is real.

If someone starts telling me negative stuff about a relative or friend, I will go ask that relative/friend and compare the two stories, and decide which one is most credible. I will never reflexively believe only one side.

My family would be in huge trouble if they believed lies about me!!!

On the off chance this is real, you should read the riot act to your own family. Feel free to send a letter or contact the in-laws directly, but that's not your priority.

My sibling lies about me to their spouse and kids.

None of them has asked for my side of the story. Sibling also loved to triangulate and get parent upset and on their side. Parent also used to triangulate and try to get me mad at sibling.

[Anonymous]

You know the truth.
Let it go - Move on.

Stop engaging.

[Anonymous]

I think his side of the family is a lost cause. However, I’m kind of shocked your own family took his side. That’s insane.

Focus on your children and rebuilding your village.

Definitely tell your family and make sure that you have people on your side who know the truth. I think there may be a point in the future where in-laws reach out and you want to clear the air. I wouldn’t reach out until at least a year after the divorce.

Talk to a therapist about how to navigate in-laws and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this ever help a situation at all?

Ex made up tons of lies about me and smeared me when I separated from him. The truth is that he really was an a*hole and I even have texts and emails to prove it. But as a result of his smear campaign (he said I had affairs and was mentally ill, both not true), my own family, in laws, and a couple acquaintances stopped talking to me. After a prolonged divorce and custody fight it’s over.

I wrote down what really happened. I am tempted to send it to one of his cousins. I know it’s he said she said situation. Is there any reason I should do this or just move on?

Yes. Send them everything with screenshots and attachments. Except any single female friends who took his side, let them be his next victims so you can laugh.