College kid complains so much

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t appear she really wants advice, she just wants to complain. I would stop advising. Only listen and then ask, “What ‘s your plan?” When she complains, I would remind her she has told me this X amount of times and ask her what are YOU supposed to do? I would also set boundaries about calling you during the work day. Unless it’s a true emergency, call after work hours.

[Anonymous]

Therapy an meds when she’s home next
Establish some boundaries

[Anonymous]

Is it possible you could get her to go to counseling if you suggested something along the lines of; I will help you find a counselor, go one time and see if you’re comfortable with that person, and then if she is try to get her to go again or find someone she’s more comfortable with? Sometimes people think it’s a long term commitment (and for some people it is) and that makes them uncomfortable about going.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she has severe anxiety and possibly depression, but isn’t accepting treatment. Have you considered meeting with a therapist for help managing your own stress around this and advice about communicating with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks-- I have definitely done this. I've asked if she wants us to just listen, or help her plot ways to address what she is concerned about.

During these times, she just gets upset. I've gently explained it can be hard to hear her so upset about things that are in her power to change. That didn't really go anywhere, I guess, because we are here again and again.

She's extremely sensitive, and getting anywhere near telling her to fix it or stop complaining doesn't feel right, at all. I'm not really sure the endless complaining is good for her, however, but what I am really starting to not be able to handle is just hearing the same things over and over.

It's only her first year so I suspect things are fresh and will get better, at least I hope, but on the other hand this is not a new development. I just feel like she's bored and lonely and uses her dad and me for entertainment and venting.

Did she have high functioning autism?

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

This, OP. You are making things worse by being so available to her.

[Anonymous]

Try changing her meds. It was a game changer for my kid. She sounded a lot like yours OP during her freshman year. It was hard. I had to move her into action - leave your room, reach out to someone in class, join a club, you have to try and you can do this! She’s doing amazingly well now and has learned to make friends through her career, events, associations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

This, OP. You are making things worse by being so available to her.

Agree. It’s time for some boundaries OP. You are enabling this.

You do not need to be talking to her every day. Start with every other day with the goal of whittling down to 3 times a week. You’re going to have to be firm and recognize that this is for her long term well being rather than her immediate gratification

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. She feels better complaining to us than others.
But she isn't willing to do things she complains about and I have a hard time listening over and over to easily fixible problems. (e.g., "I only have 2 friends" but she is unwilling to leave her room).
We have offered all the resources, SSRIs, therapy, etc. and while she has taken us up on them, it's only helped so much.
It's draining.
I am sure this makes me a bad mother in many peoples' eyes, but I can't do it every day. Constant calls in the middle of the workday and refusal to get off the phone.
Again, I know she's suffering, so I feel like $hit but I also can't just sit there listening to everything she can't do or doesn't like but won't take action on over and over. I want to validate her, and I know she needs us, but I need some boundaries and yet feel guilty erecting them.

Why do you want to validate her when what she is saying makes no sense?

[Anonymous]

You raised a dumper who can’t think on her own.
Establish some boundaries. Afterall you must have things to fill your day

[Anonymous]

My college son only calls when something is wrong, and yes I dread the calls sometimes, but I am relieved he feels like he can call me and doesn’t feel alone. I went to see him this week and had lunch with him, and he was so happy and positive. The contrast was stark.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think all these phone calls are helping. I want to be there for you, but I need to be working between the hours of 9 to 5. How about if we do a check in on my drive home today and discuss re-starting therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

+1. Don't answer right away. You may have to train yourself not to pick up the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

+1. Don't answer right away. You may have to train yourself not to pick up the phone.

This. Kids need to learn self reliance.