College kid complains so much

[Anonymous]

I get it. She feels better complaining to us than others.
But she isn't willing to do things she complains about and I have a hard time listening over and over to easily fixible problems. (e.g., "I only have 2 friends" but she is unwilling to leave her room).
We have offered all the resources, SSRIs, therapy, etc. and while she has taken us up on them, it's only helped so much.
It's draining.
I am sure this makes me a bad mother in many peoples' eyes, but I can't do it every day. Constant calls in the middle of the workday and refusal to get off the phone.
Again, I know she's suffering, so I feel like $hit but I also can't just sit there listening to everything she can't do or doesn't like but won't take action on over and over. I want to validate her, and I know she needs us, but I need some boundaries and yet feel guilty erecting them.

[Anonymous]

Reflect back to her. "I hear that you are unhappy about X. What do you think you can do about it?"

[Anonymous]

Thanks-- I have definitely done this. I've asked if she wants us to just listen, or help her plot ways to address what she is concerned about.

During these times, she just gets upset. I've gently explained it can be hard to hear her so upset about things that are in her power to change. That didn't really go anywhere, I guess, because we are here again and again.

She's extremely sensitive, and getting anywhere near telling her to fix it or stop complaining doesn't feel right, at all. I'm not really sure the endless complaining is good for her, however, but what I am really starting to not be able to handle is just hearing the same things over and over.

It's only her first year so I suspect things are fresh and will get better, at least I hope, but on the other hand this is not a new development. I just feel like she's bored and lonely and uses her dad and me for entertainment and venting.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, she's not JUST bored and using her dad and me for entertainment and venting. She DOES say a lot, well, I'm bored so I am calling you, but she clearly needs to talk and is struggling but won't say it outright so you can't really address it without giving... somehow... unsolicited advice (and again, when we do, it doesn't land well).

Or doesn't need to talk, but she just wants entertainment, I can't tell.

She never cries, or says that she's homesick, but I am sure those are both also true. If she would it might be easier to help.

I get that it's now my job to listen. But I can't take it at times. And I can't continue to take 40 minutes out of my day over and over to have her refuse to let me hang up, or to suss out if she is okay or not, or just talk about things that would be hard to fix but she doesn't seem to be making an effort to fix them.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP and I can totally imagine having this problem when my younger DD gets to college.

She does need you and it is your job to listen but I also think setting some boundaries here might be a good idea for both of you. 40 minute calls whenever she wants in the middle of the day is really a lot.

I also know that when you try and ignore an anxious, sensitive child they just escalate. It is very hard to get out of this. I think you might need a session or two with a therapist or a book on how to parent an anxious teenager.

[Anonymous]

It's hard with a sensitive child. It's good that she trusts you with her anxieties and wants to talk them out at least. Just be there and listen but maybe limit the amount of time per phone call?
I was so glad to leave home and go to college and called barely once a week and even then I didn't want any of the overbearing advice my mother always tried to give me. She still complains that I don't call her everyday like her friends grown children.

[Anonymous]

CBT. Complaining begets more complaining. She’s training her brain to complain. She has to make a conscious decision to stop.

[Anonymous]

I don't think these conversations are helping your child, so boundaries are a good idea. Warn her that workday conversations need to be short, tell her what time to call back in the evening, warn her that you are hanging up and then do it.
Part of kids growing up is to start to figure things out on their own ... If you aren't available midday then she will likely figure out another coping mechanism for that time. It's not withdrawing support, it's scaling back to foster independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. She feels better complaining to us than others.
But she isn't willing to do things she complains about and I have a hard time listening over and over to easily fixible problems. (e.g., "I only have 2 friends" but she is unwilling to leave her room).
We have offered all the resources, SSRIs, therapy, etc. and while she has taken us up on them, it's only helped so much.
It's draining.
I am sure this makes me a bad mother in many peoples' eyes, but I can't do it every day. Constant calls in the middle of the workday and refusal to get off the phone.
Again, I know she's suffering, so I feel like $hit but I also can't just sit there listening to everything she can't do or doesn't like but won't take action on over and over. I want to validate her, and I know she needs us, but I need some boundaries and yet feel guilty erecting them.

You can pay for a good therapist for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard with a sensitive child. It's good that she trusts you with her anxieties and wants to talk them out at least. Just be there and listen but maybe limit the amount of time per phone call?
I was so glad to leave home and go to college and called barely once a week and even then I didn't want any of the overbearing advice my mother always tried to give me. She still complains that I don't call her everyday like her friends grown children.

This^. Be grateful and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CBT. Complaining begets more complaining. She’s training her brain to complain. She has to make a conscious decision to stop.

This is excellent advice. OP, what would happen if you were hit by a bus and couldn't be there for her any more? Get her to the appropriate help or she will never be a capable adult. She won't be able to hold down a job and function as an adult if she doen't get some better life coping skills.

[Anonymous]

There's a long history of our pushing therapy with her. It hasn't worked. We have tried and tried and tried. She is really reticent to be vulernable -- and please don't take that she is with me, she isn't. (Please don't blame me for this, I have done so enough myself).

We DID finally get her to go on meds, without therapy (there is a history of anxiety/depression in the family and I think she has it at times - for years, it's felt borderline in coordination with her physician).

I definitely worry about her being a competent adult more than I do with my other kids. In some ways she is exceptionally so but in others, she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard with a sensitive child. It's good that she trusts you with her anxieties and wants to talk them out at least. Just be there and listen but maybe limit the amount of time per phone call?
I was so glad to leave home and go to college and called barely once a week and even then I didn't want any of the overbearing advice my mother always tried to give me. She still complains that I don't call her everyday like her friends grown children.

This^. Be grateful and kind.

Thank you both. I try, but I also want to protect myself. Please don't beat me up for that, but the logistics are hard for me and so is the energy drain.

[Anonymous]

Calling you every day is too often. Don’t answer during work. Be busy. Talk to her twice a week.

[Anonymous]

I have had to tell my dc that I know they can handle it. The more I believe in them the more they believe in themselves. Even if I have to fake it some.