DD’s best friends pulling away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are friends "since they were babies" it's one of those parent-forced friendships that can't always withstand kids turning into adults who have their own distinct personalities and likes and dislikes.

Friendships that are made without parental engineering are healthier and last longer. Just encourage her make new friends and remind her that almost no adult is still "best friends" with someone they played with as a baby.

This isn’t parental engineering. My kids still have friends from preschool (they are in middle and high school). The parents have nothing to do with these friendships and don’t orchestrate them. At a certain point kids start finding their own groups- sometimes it includes old friends and sometimes it doesn’t. And guess what? I’m 45 and still friends with some of my friends from the very early years of childhood. My DH still has early childhood friends and his parents are dead. My parents aren’t engineering my friendships as an adult lol. There really is something to say about deeper attachments to people you have known a really long time. However, things can change in any relationship at any time- that’s just life and you can’t predict when and if it will happen.

I'm guessing you were a lifer at a private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are friends "since they were babies" it's one of those parent-forced friendships that can't always withstand kids turning into adults who have their own distinct personalities and likes and dislikes.

Friendships that are made without parental engineering are healthier and last longer. Just encourage her make new friends and remind her that almost no adult is still "best friends" with someone they played with as a baby.

This isn’t parental engineering. My kids still have friends from preschool (they are in middle and high school). The parents have nothing to do with these friendships and don’t orchestrate them. At a certain point kids start finding their own groups- sometimes it includes old friends and sometimes it doesn’t. And guess what? I’m 45 and still friends with some of my friends from the very early years of childhood. My DH still has early childhood friends and his parents are dead. My parents aren’t engineering my friendships as an adult lol. There really is something to say about deeper attachments to people you have known a really long time. However, things can change in any relationship at any time- that’s just life and you can’t predict when and if it will happen.

I'm guessing you were a lifer at a private school.

Or lived in a small town their whole life. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not the norm. Most kids living in cities will grow up to live in a variety of places before settling down and they won't keep in touch with their preschool bestie or the kid of their mom's firend they were forced to play with. I can't even remember the name of my best friend in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Lisa Damour talks about this phenomenon and wrote about it in her book, "Untangled.'

She and her website and books and podcasts are a good resource for navigating these issues (as a concerned parent).

https://drlisadamour.com/

[Anonymous]

This is really common for the age. Friendships shift a lot (and as someone else said- sometimes they find their way back to being friends again, sometimes not). It is stressful for girls and also can be hard to watch as a parent sometimes.

Definitely do not ever interfere at this age by calling parents etc. Encourage your DD to maintain multiple friendships and not put all her eggs in one basket, keep busy with sports and activities, know that her friends are welcome at your home, and that you are available anytime she needs to talk. When she does talk, do more listening and asking open ended questions than advice-giving.

Very very normal for girls this age, and (especially if she has not generally had any ongoing social issues) this too shall pass. I promise! Keep reminding yourself that this is a stage that most girls go through (and must go through) as they are growing up and learning social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lisa Damour talks about this phenomenon and wrote about it in her book, "Untangled.'

She and her website and books and podcasts are a good resource for navigating these issues (as a concerned parent).

https://drlisadamour.com/

OP here. Thank you all! And thank you for this recommendation. I’ll check it out.

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice just sympathy. My 12 yr old DD is going though something similar. It’s really hard to watch and we are encouraging her to branch out and trying to keep her busy. I’m also going to check out Untangled, so thanks to the PP who recommended that.

[Anonymous]

Let it fall apart if it’s going to. It never ever works to force kids to make up bc the parents orchestrate it. I went through this many times with my oldest bc I was too invested with friendships with the moms, and the fallout from forced friendships lead to years of dislike, whereas with my younger one I was less invested and had learned, and her friendship fallouts were so much softer and she has become friendly with those girls again much sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be too emotionally invested in this. Your daughter is going to be fine. It sucks she is sad and that she cried, but at this age, she may also cry when the sweatshirt she wants to wear doesn’t come through the laundry in time. Sounds like she has friends. Help her spend more time with them. Don’t talk about this other girl unless she brings it up.

OP here. Thanks. I wasn’t getting myself involved but she keeps asking me to call this girls mom
To get her to come over here. So I told her why I wouldn’t do that, that they can arrange it and that the girl is welcome here but I think the girl should have a say, which led to the tears and breakdown.

DP and good for you for not calling the mom. Next time she asks, instead of saying the girl is welcome here, maybe switch topics and say she’s welcome to contact a different friend to see if they want to hang out. Gently remind her at that age they can coordinate getting together but parents are welcome to contact you if they need to verify it’s okay/rides/plans.

[Anonymous]

No advice just solidarity. Last night my 12 year old went to sleep bawling. She feels left out of her friend group. One girl who was a bestie sort of overnight joined a different friend group and changed her look completely. Another bestie has been downright mean to her this year (passing notes about her to spread gossip). These multiple snow days have been really hard, because she doesn’t have a “go to” friend to hang out with. I’m also reading Untangled, which is excellent. It’s hard though when there’s not much you can do as a parent except encourage her to explore new friendships and focus on activities to distract her. I also enrolled her in a sleepaway camp for 2 weeks this summer, to give her some time away and meet new kids. My hope is this gets better in 8th grade, but if not then, fingers crossed it’s better in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice just solidarity. Last night my 12 year old went to sleep bawling. She feels left out of her friend group. One girl who was a bestie sort of overnight joined a different friend group and changed her look completely. Another bestie has been downright mean to her this year (passing notes about her to spread gossip). These multiple snow days have been really hard, because she doesn’t have a “go to” friend to hang out with. I’m also reading Untangled, which is excellent. It’s hard though when there’s not much you can do as a parent except encourage her to explore new friendships and focus on activities to distract her. I also enrolled her in a sleepaway camp for 2 weeks this summer, to give her some time away and meet new kids. My hope is this gets better in 8th grade, but if not then, fingers crossed it’s better in HS.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way.

OP here, we had some virtual days and she said it was fine for me to send a message to our carpool girls families and offer for them to come over to do them with her. We're new(ish) to this street (moved from a different part of the neighborhood) so I felt like she needed to get to know the girls more on a personal level. It worked out great and she's feeling much better and all the girls had a great time. Thanks for everyone's support.