DD’s best friends pulling away

[Anonymous]

12 yo daughter and her bff have been close since 6 months old, friendship has survived moves, different schools, etc.

Now they are finally at the same school again. My daughter pulls away from her friend group to join this girls’. Drama ensues with BFF’s other friends. , and my daughter is constantly calling her bff who isn’t calling her back. Friendly at school, but not hanging out outside of school.

I get it, no one wants a friend to call a million times, my kid is hanging out with other friends but feels so sad. I brought up tonight if she feels her friend is pulling away and she lost it.

To be fair to this girl used to get super anxious when my daughter was hanging out with other friends, used to constantly beg my daughter to drop them and focus on her. It was pretty unhealthy. So I feel sad for her but also feel like perhaps they needed a break.

I get this is natural, but any tips to help my daughter keep moving forward?

[Anonymous]

When kids are friends "since they were babies" it's one of those parent-forced friendships that can't always withstand kids turning into adults who have their own distinct personalities and likes and dislikes.

Friendships that are made without parental engineering are healthier and last longer. Just encourage her make new friends and remind her that almost no adult is still "best friends" with someone they played with as a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When kids are friends "since they were babies" it's one of those parent-forced friendships that can't always withstand kids turning into adults who have their own distinct personalities and likes and dislikes.

Friendships that are made without parental engineering are healthier and last longer. Just encourage her make new friends and remind her that almost no adult is still "best friends" with someone they played with as a baby.

This isn’t parental engineering. My kids still have friends from preschool (they are in middle and high school). The parents have nothing to do with these friendships and don’t orchestrate them. At a certain point kids start finding their own groups- sometimes it includes old friends and sometimes it doesn’t. And guess what? I’m 45 and still friends with some of my friends from the very early years of childhood. My DH still has early childhood friends and his parents are dead. My parents aren’t engineering my friendships as an adult lol. There really is something to say about deeper attachments to people you have known a really long time. However, things can change in any relationship at any time- that’s just life and you can’t predict when and if it will happen.

[Anonymous]

It's called life. It's called Girls Being Twelve. In five years they'll be BFFs again. Just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Encourage your daughter to find other friends, including through activities outside school.

Middle school is tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's called life. It's called Girls Being Twelve. In five years they'll be BFFs again. Just stay out of it.

Or they won’t. My daughter had a super close friend and they separated at this age. Everyone said this. They are in high school and don’t speak. It’s okay, they have separate interests and went in their own directions. This is life. I remember it happening to me too with childhood friends when we developed new interests in middle school and grew into different people. It felt like a forced friendship suddenly.

There’s not much to say and don’t keep talking about. Just encourage her to branch out, join activities and not treat this as a sad breakup.

[Anonymous]

Just leave her alone and encourage your DD to be pleasant but focus on her friends. Distract her with activities with her friend group

No more calling if not reciprocated

12 is a time of change. Sometimes friends find their way back together when they are older teens. Sometimes not. You just have to let it play out.

[Anonymous]

Middle school is when early childhood friends part ways. They may find each other again later, but not always.

[Anonymous]

This is the age where many girl friendships shift. It stinks for the one left out but it’s fairly normal for the age. I would encourage your DD to try some new activities that will introduce new friends. I would also suggest she stops calling the friend so much because to the other girl this comes across clingy and will push her away even more.

Girls can be really funky and there isn’t always a tangible reason for friend groups to change and splinter. Also, if they’ve been friends since childhood it sounds like you’re good friends with the mom. Don’t try to use your friendship to engineer the situation with the girls. It never works out well.

[Anonymous]

It was pretty dumb of your daughter to drop her old friends for this girl and new friends. She's lucky her old friend group took her back. Many wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 yo daughter and her bff have been close since 6 months old, friendship has survived moves, different schools, etc.

Now they are finally at the same school again. My daughter pulls away from her friend group to join this girls’. Drama ensues with BFF’s other friends. , and my daughter is constantly calling her bff who isn’t calling her back. Friendly at school, but not hanging out outside of school.

I get it, no one wants a friend to call a million times, my kid is hanging out with other friends but feels so sad. I brought up tonight if she feels her friend is pulling away and she lost it.

To be fair to this girl used to get super anxious when my daughter was hanging out with other friends, used to constantly beg my daughter to drop them and focus on her. It was pretty unhealthy. So I feel sad for her but also feel like perhaps they needed a break.

I get this is natural, but any tips to help my daughter keep moving forward?

Subject: DD's best friends pulling away

Why is this okay for your DD to do to her friends, but not okay for someone to do to your DD?

[Anonymous]

OP here- I agree with all of you. We tried to give her insight about pulling away from her ES friends. So grateful she salvaged that relationship.

We were really close friends with the girl’s parents. But the mom suddenly became anti doctor (I’m a physician) and started using substances more than we’re comfortable with so we’ve pulled back. They also spend a lot of time with their family and friends as they are from here (we’re transplants). We’re still friendly but keep a distance. But I feel bad bc we don’t have family here- and although we have friends we love, everyone is so busy it’s hard to do get togethers.

Of note, the other girl does call my daughter, but won’t give her straight answers about hanging out. She’s just using my daughter as backup which kind of pisses me off.

So I’m actually relieved that there’s some distance, but heartbroken for my girl. Just wondering if there were some teen movies or books or something to help her work through this. Obviously we’ll do some hangouts together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When kids are friends "since they were babies" it's one of those parent-forced friendships that can't always withstand kids turning into adults who have their own distinct personalities and likes and dislikes.

Friendships that are made without parental engineering are healthier and last longer. Just encourage her make new friends and remind her that almost no adult is still "best friends" with someone they played with as a baby.

No I don't believe that or else the friendship would have ended sooner. Friendships that start out that way can last and be real friendships. Probably has way more to do with the friend trying to be cool and join the popular group.

[Anonymous]

I think you might be too emotionally invested in this. Your daughter is going to be fine. It sucks she is sad and that she cried, but at this age, she may also cry when the sweatshirt she wants to wear doesn’t come through the laundry in time. Sounds like she has friends. Help her spend more time with them. Don’t talk about this other girl unless she brings it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be too emotionally invested in this. Your daughter is going to be fine. It sucks she is sad and that she cried, but at this age, she may also cry when the sweatshirt she wants to wear doesn’t come through the laundry in time. Sounds like she has friends. Help her spend more time with them. Don’t talk about this other girl unless she brings it up.

OP here. Thanks. I wasn’t getting myself involved but she keeps asking me to call this girls mom
To get her to come over here. So I told her why I wouldn’t do that, that they can arrange it and that the girl is welcome here but I think the girl should have a say, which led to the tears and breakdown.