33 year old son living at home, but doesn’t help out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he expect you to cook or does he eat the food you make? If not, why would you expect him to help with that. Supposedly if he moves out tomorrow, you'll be doing the exact same thing.

Is he doing his own laundry? Keeping his space clean? If so, what's the big deal?

If you want him to pay rent as an incentive for him to move out, then say so. Otherwise, I really don't see how it's a requirement to help his relatively young parents with things they'd have to do if he weren't there in the first place.

He expects us to make him meals, do his laundry.

Why was this expectation not shut down from day one? When our kids have come back home between moves or between undergrad and grad school, we always have food available on hand and if they’ll be home for dinner we always make enough. But they know they’re expected to clean their bathrooms, do their own laundry, keep their living space clean.

Why would a grown adult expect their mommy to do their laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 33 year-old son was laid off last year and moved back home. He has since found a new job but has continued living with us. We love our son and don’t mind having him at home. My husband and I are both 55, and working.

Our concern is that our son isn’t contributing to the household. He has an active social life and spends a lot of time away from home, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help out when he is here. He pays for his own expenses, but we would like him to contribute by helping with cleaning, yard work, cooking, and other household tasks.

How do we talk with our son kindly about our expectations?

DP here with adult kids this age.

I would take this excellent opportunity to tell him it's time to find another place to live, since he's back on his feet and has a job now. Otherwise, he could continue to live with you for much longer, and may completely forget how to manage his own home and affairs. This is not in his interest, or in yours.

Do it gently, and let him know the door is always open if he hits another bump in the road. But it's time for him to move on now, and you wouldn't be doing your job as a parent if you didn't make sure he can care for himself if something happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would a grown adult expect their mommy to do their laundry?

Because she does and she waits a year before she asks about "kindly" telling him to contribute.

[Anonymous]

The time for kindly/gently was before he trashed your house. After that I would have booted him. You’re enabling him; you know that right?

WHY do you do his laundry? My kids have been doing their own laundry since they were 11 years old!

Give him chores and if he doesn’t do it then an ultimatum 3 months and he’s out. He’ll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a grown adult expect their mommy to do their laundry?

Because she does and she waits a year before she asks about "kindly" telling him to contribute.

I doubt he was like “do my laundry”.

She just fell into her old routine and did it.

She’s never asked him to do it.
She’s never told him to make his own meals.
She’s never expressed her expectations.

[Anonymous]

He has a job so he should be paying rent to you. You can refund that money when he moves out if you wish.

If he wishes for housekeeping or meal services, too, then charge accordingly. But keep that money for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a grown adult expect their mommy to do their laundry?

Because she does and she waits a year before she asks about "kindly" telling him to contribute.

I doubt he was like “do my laundry”.

She just fell into her old routine and did it.

She’s never asked him to do it.
She’s never told him to make his own meals.
She’s never expressed her expectations.

This.

OP, make sure your and your husband are on the same page and then just have the conversation. "DS, I want you to do your own laundry and [do specific tasks/times]." If his response is anything other than some version of an enthusiastic yes, then you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

He's treating you like a hotel. Tell him your home is not one. He needs to contribute to the running of the household by doing A, B, C, and D.

[Anonymous]

Charge him a reasonable rent to cover utilities and then lay out expectations for contributing to the household as long as he lives there. Like cook one meal a week for everyone, and do a regular chore or two.

Afraid you may have raised a man who isn't going to contribute to his own household when he finds one.

[Anonymous]

When my son moved back in, I set up specific guidelines. Here’s our requirements:

Clean up after yourself always
Public portions of the house must always be put back the way you found them when you’re done using them
If you eat dinner with us, you’re on clean up duty
You are required to maintain the yard (not my gardens, but everything else) - that means mowing, snow removal, mulching and whatever else needs to be done
You are required to care for the dogs if we are away or are going to get home late and he’s there
On request you need to pick up groceries, go to the pharmacy and drive younger sibling
Other things in request
And we don’t do your laundry

Thing about all of this is that it’s specific as To time, place and requirement and not open to judgment - unlike “helping with dinner”which is vague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he expect you to cook or does he eat the food you make? If not, why would you expect him to help with that. Supposedly if he moves out tomorrow, you'll be doing the exact same thing.

Is he doing his own laundry? Keeping his space clean? If so, what's the big deal?

If you want him to pay rent as an incentive for him to move out, then say so. Otherwise, I really don't see how it's a requirement to help his relatively young parents with things they'd have to do if he weren't there in the first place.

He expects us to make him meals, do his laundry.

Insane. Cooking a larger portion when he’s home for a meal is one thing but laundry is something a middle schooler can do. If he doesn’t have clothes for work, would he blame you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him pay rent and then use the money to hire helper.

+1 and don't cook enough food for him. If he was living on his own, he'd have to cook or eat out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he expect you to cook or does he eat the food you make? If not, why would you expect him to help with that. Supposedly if he moves out tomorrow, you'll be doing the exact same thing.

Is he doing his own laundry? Keeping his space clean? If so, what's the big deal?

If you want him to pay rent as an incentive for him to move out, then say so. Otherwise, I really don't see how it's a requirement to help his relatively young parents with things they'd have to do if he weren't there in the first place.

He expects us to make him meals, do his laundry.

? so grow a backbone and say no?

Even my 20 year old DS does his own laundry when he comes home from college.

This is a parenting fail IMO. You need to set clear boundaries when they come back home.

[Anonymous]

ask him what his plans are for getting his own place.

lay out the new rules, depending on the answer.

[Anonymous]

You're saying "we" and "us," but what proportion of the work are you doing, and how much is falling to your spouse?