Relation with Ex?

[Anonymous]

My parents are now what I'd call friendly. Been divorced... 37 years?

I think it's a fake-it-till-you-make-it situation. They split when I was four. From my perspective, they always got along fine. Sat together at my basketball games. We're polite and kind. Never a mean word spoken. As an adult, I can now see that the first few years, that was them doing what was best for me and my brother, it was probably really hard for them.

My read is, it got easier and easier, but still wasn't fun or enjoyable for either of them. Then, once I went away to college (I'm the youngest), there were VERY few occasions for them to have to interact and so they got basically a six year break of barely seeing each other. I think that was probably a nice reset for them.

Then my brother got engaged, and all of a sudden there were a lot of family events. Engagement parties, weddings, baby showers, births, grandkid birthday parties, more combined holidays, etc. And I think starting then, they actually were able to enjoy each other's company. That was over 15 years ago. And since then I think they actually are friends on some level and they definitely do enjoy each other's company. They like to share stories of their shared hometown and the people they used to know. They can tell funny stories from their time together. And they have lots of shared positive memories with the grandkids.

So - it was hard for five years, manageable for almost 10 years, then they got a six year break, and since then they've had more than 15 years of friendship. Not bad, in the grand scheme of things. And my brother and I came out unscathed. So I think that's a good model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:let me tell you my crazy story with my ex-gf. She said that ex-H was verbally abusive, mean and she was in a trauma bond due to getting married in her teens. Stayed married for 20+ years due to kids and can't stand her ex-H and now kids are adults. She was living in her own apartment but go and stay at her ex-H place during the week for the dogs because he worked out of town and only comes down during the weekend. In addition, she told me that she was fully divorced but wasn't. For me, lying about divorce wasn't the main issue but still staying connected and going into ex-H house when they hate each other and he didn't give her anything in the divorce. Finally, I ended it and I wish people are more honest with what they are looking for and also finish their healing before moving into a new relationship.

Short version: you were banging a married chick that still lived with her husband most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has different definitions of “friendly.” My ex cheated on me and is now with his affair partner. I limit my interactions with him to just logistics about the kids. We don’t argue, and we are totally fine attending joint events for the kids (birthdays, graduations, concerts, etc). I dont see the need for any changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If kids are involved, do you ever reach a point where you are friendly/friends with your Ex-except when abuse was involved?what other reasons would keep you from being friendly even if you wanted to?

No. We will not ever be friends. I ended the relationship because of serious concerns about his honesty, his inability to put others needs above his own, his poor handling of money, his alcoholism and substance abuse and his emotional manipulation of me, including coercive control.

Why on earth would I be friends with someone I don’t trust and don’t feel safe with?

I grey rock him. I try to keep any communication in writing. I am polite, but I don’t go out of my way to do anything for him. I don’t share anything about my life with him. I am emotionally restrained and neutral at all times around him.

I think of him as an annoying colleague on a work project that I have to be careful to be very nice to but also document the hell out of any contact with him because he could stab me in the back at any time, plus I’m going to have to do his share of the work and fix a bunch of his screw ups.