DH always grumpy

[Anonymous]

It is very likely that your husband is depressed.

It sounds cliche I know but in men, depression usually manifests itself as outward anger.

Maybe you can encourage your husband to get medically evaluated to see if this is the case.

[Anonymous]

Mine is like this and worse. I think it’s depression but he refuses to get evaluated for anything or leave the house generally. It was not always like this at all. We had a good 10 years before.

[Anonymous]

Man here--he's starting to feel his age and he's sad about it. My guess is less / no sex, body starting to break down, but at same time massive pressure to earn money. Worried about kids' futures, probably has aging parents. In other words, a ton of people depend on him and he's getting tired, and realizing his best years of fun are behind him. Have some grace. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is always grumpy. The kids agree. We aren't scared of him or anything but the moodiness is getting OLD. He is late 40s. If he has to do chores, help with schoolwork, run errands, etc, it is always met with a baby tantrum, stomps or overall grumpiness. I do think he has ADHD, but not sure what else is going on. He has always been like this. I don't want a divorce but our house is so much calmer and well run when he is not home. Anyone overcome this and can give advice?

Sounds like depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine became always grumpy and then one day I was served divorce papers without a warning.

I’ve been searching for the answer to your question ever since and honestly I think I’ll die still wondering why he turned so grumpy.

This is my fear. He is high and low though - either happy and hyper or moody.

So depression or bipolar. Could be bipolar 2. Get him screened. I don't think this is ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine became always grumpy and then one day I was served divorce papers without a warning.

I’ve been searching for the answer to your question ever since and honestly I think I’ll die still wondering why he turned so grumpy.

This is my fear. He is high and low though - either happy and hyper or moody.

So depression or bipolar. Could be bipolar 2. Get him screened. I don't think this is ADHD.

Easily could be both. Lashing out due to mistakes you don’t think you did is maladaptive cope which can lead too or look like Bipolar II. Vey destabilizing and difficult for others to live around.

Since he seems to respond that he knows he’s angry and shouldn’t be, sign up via insurance for a Neuropsych test to diagnose anything underlying.

Meanwhile, keep a quick log of the dates and triggers or any outbursts or executive functioning guffaws eating, sleeping and drinking habits too.

Get the full picture and then do a targeted solution. Or at least you’ll know what you’re dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Guys, depression is rarely a standalone acute thing- barring a man event like a job loss or death in the family.

Depression is usually the output of an underlying issue or disorder, you need to figure out which one and get him the skills or meds or therapist to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here - this is very helpful, and I appreciate the thoughtful responses and lack of snark. Especially appreciate the people who responded who are men. He is the breadwinner and I’m sure he does feel a lot of stress, and sometimes resentment because of it. I work part time, but also do everything with the kids and their school and our home, life, sports, groceries, meals, taxes, chores, laundry, etc.. so I do feel like we have a pretty good balance, but I also don’t understand the pressures of working.

I do think he probably has some anxiety or depression, but he does not want to get treated for it.

[Anonymous]

Need to drain him more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine was like this. He was checked out. He had an affair. I left him. We're all better off divorced. My sons resent him though because they know I was doing all the work to keep it together for so long.

how do you know your sons resent him? or maybe that's what you are telling them so that they start hating it too. What happened between you two, please don't bring your hatred on kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - this is very helpful, and I appreciate the thoughtful responses and lack of snark. Especially appreciate the people who responded who are men. He is the breadwinner and I’m sure he does feel a lot of stress, and sometimes resentment because of it. I work part time, but also do everything with the kids and their school and our home, life, sports, groceries, meals, taxes, chores, laundry, etc.. so I do feel like we have a pretty good balance, but I also don’t understand the pressures of working.

I do think he probably has some anxiety or depression, but he does not want to get treated for it.

My husbands grumpiness is VERY related to sex. If we have sex, it disappears for a few days. I know it's going to kick up a storm, but after 15 years together, i also just know it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need to drain him more often.

+1

Hi Op, let's try a few things:

1. for 2 weeks - make sure he is happy in bed. I know it is a lot to ask for but give it all and see if that changes anything.
2. Sit with him (no kids) and see if he opens up about his work or stress. Just hear him out.
3. plan a date or two with him without kids.

Bring some fun into the equation and watch how he behaves for next couple of weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - this is very helpful, and I appreciate the thoughtful responses and lack of snark. Especially appreciate the people who responded who are men. He is the breadwinner and I’m sure he does feel a lot of stress, and sometimes resentment because of it. I work part time, but also do everything with the kids and their school and our home, life, sports, groceries, meals, taxes, chores, laundry, etc.. so I do feel like we have a pretty good balance, but I also don’t understand the pressures of working.

I do think he probably has some anxiety or depression, but he does not want to get treated for it.

My husbands grumpiness is VERY related to sex. If we have sex, it disappears for a few days. I know it's going to kick up a storm, but after 15 years together, i also just know it's true.

That's honestly me as well. My gf doesn't give me much and I am a little irritated and a good sex session changes a lot of things. Same goes with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine was like this. He was checked out. He had an affair. I left him. We're all better off divorced. My sons resent him though because they know I was doing all the work to keep it together for so long.

how do you know your sons resent him? or maybe that's what you are telling them so that they start hating it too. What happened between you two, please don't bring your hatred on kids.

Their kids are old enough to not like their father for his adultery. It’s not a family secret, that’d be psychotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine was like this. He was checked out. He had an affair. I left him. We're all better off divorced. My sons resent him though because they know I was doing all the work to keep it together for so long.

how do you know your sons resent him? or maybe that's what you are telling them so that they start hating it too. What happened between you two, please don't bring your hatred on kids.

My sons are adults. They do have a relationship with him. He did choose his AP over them when they were in HS.