Moms Night Dilemma

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to go see this whole group, but do want to see a few of the people, can you reach out to that subset? You basically next Jenny, Kate and Larla to say that you're sorry to miss the group on the first Monday of the month because it doesn't work with your schedule. Could the three of them meet up on X date instead to catch up?

[Anonymous]

Why would you attend an event with people you would rather not see who will ask questions you would rather not answer? I don’t think I understand the question.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you. Early 40s mom here. Very happy family life, but I’ve not made a single close mom friend in 5 years. Have a few people we hang out with regularly with our young kids, and an occasional coffee / wine night, but man - making friends in midlife is way harder than I expected!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who attends events and activities at multiple different churches, I see no issue with attending the moms group and maintaining relationships. I love being part of multiple faith communities and maintaining and expanding my social networks through them. I think you’re overthinking this. Make new friends and keep the old. Dropping people entirely just because you moved to a new church makes zero sense to me.

I’m here. We recently changed churches to find a better youth group fit for my teen daughter. There are three women from my prior church that I go to dinner with monthly. My husband and I led a marriage enrichment group of 6 couples for a decade and the group continues to meet monthly because we are all good friends. And I still attend a monthly book club with women from the old church. None of this prevents me from being happy and excited about our new church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I really don’t understand why it would be a problem to be honest with your own friends about why you left the church. Real friends will support you. If they are just gossiping and judgy church ladies who won’t understand you then who needs that drama in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

Sorry but, WTF?!!

Did you just suggest that someone would kill their own dog because they spontaneously decided that “they are a dumb breed”?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you answered the question of why you left? If it's because of a stance the church took, I see how it could be awkward to be around people who continue to support that stance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

Sorry but, WTF?!!

Did you just suggest that someone would kill their own dog because they spontaneously decided that “they are a dumb breed”?

My cousin did. It wasn’t a doodle. It was a French bulldog. She said that the dog had health problems and that it wasn’t a good fit for her family. But she’s told me privately that she thinks the breed is riddled with health issues and isn’t a good breed for any family.

I don’t judge her, but I know her and love her for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with her dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

Sorry but, WTF?!!

Did you just suggest that someone would kill their own dog because they spontaneously decided that “they are a dumb breed”?

My cousin did. It wasn’t a doodle. It was a French bulldog. She said that the dog had health problems and that it wasn’t a good fit for her family. But she’s told me privately that she thinks the breed is riddled with health issues and isn’t a good breed for any family.

I don’t judge her, but I know her and love her for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with her dog.

Yeah whatever I have zero problem judging a person for being unethical towards living creatures. If that’s not worth judging a person over then what is?

[Anonymous]

That seems weird, it's a mom's group, not a church mom's group. If you don't want to go, don't go. If you miss some of the moms, invite them over for dessert some night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That seems weird, it's a mom's group, not a church mom's group. If you don't want to go, don't go. If you miss some of the moms, invite them over for dessert some night.

I think it is a church mom’s group.

[Anonymous]

Church people are so weird. Do people really only consider someone a friend if you sit next to them once a week or something? You cannot maintain friendships with people who pray in a different building than you? So bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. To answer some questions from the thread:

We left the church because we don't like the pastor or the Sunday school director. Unfortunately, the Sunday school director is one of the people in the mom group who I don't really want to see - she's high drama aside from the professional disagreements we had with the way she ran the Sunday school. The pastor is wholly uninspiring and self-absorbed. He's not preaching anything hateful, but he's not really speaking to the moment either.

It was hard to leave because we really do like most of the people in the congregation. But we really wanted something more inspiring, especially for our kids, so they get the sense that our religion should be an active part of how they interact with the world, something that pushes them to help others and do good. Our new church has a more proactive pastor who preaches about the issues of the day without sound "preachy" and our kids' experience in Sunday school is lightyears better. We're happier religiously, but the social life of the new place is slower. I've tried inviting some moms at the new place over, but haven't been successful yet. People seem to have busier lives and established friend groups already (probably also a function of trying to make friends when our kids are all a little older). It does make me miss how social our old place was, even with all of its other faults.

I don't really want to share the reasons we left with the people who are still there, because I don't want to disparage it when they are all still happy there (or happy enough not to leave). I left the group chat about the get togethers and will continue to just be in touch with the people I want to see.

[Anonymous]

I think you are really overthinking this. My friends from book club, marriage group, etc have all been told that we moved for a better youth group fit and that I am happy to be at a church that has a more local, social justice mission where I think I can find slots to volunteer more easily.

No one is mad at me about it. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t say to the lady that ran Sunday school, “we hated the Sunday school.” But you can certainly say you were looking for a pastor that aligned better with what you were looking for to speak to the moment.

But if you really hate the Sunday school and a dinner at the same table as her would be hard, then don’t go. But you may be losing opportunities to connect with the women you really like. There is one woman in our book club who is challenging for me to be around. But I’m not dropping the club because of her. I just focus on the other 6-8 people there that I’m really happy to see.

Most people really don’t care why you change churches. My close friends know that there are some specific things to why we left and they are happy I’ve found a good fit. The people I enjoy seeking but are not “my BFFs” don’t have as much detail, but are still happy we are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really overthinking this. My friends from book club, marriage group, etc have all been told that we moved for a better youth group fit and that I am happy to be at a church that has a more local, social justice mission where I think I can find slots to volunteer more easily.

No one is mad at me about it. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t say to the lady that ran Sunday school, “we hated the Sunday school.” But you can certainly say you were looking for a pastor that aligned better with what you were looking for to speak to the moment.

But if you really hate the Sunday school and a dinner at the same table as her would be hard, then don’t go. But you may be losing opportunities to connect with the women you really like. There is one woman in our book club who is challenging for me to be around. But I’m not dropping the club because of her. I just focus on the other 6-8 people there that I’m really happy to see.

Most people really don’t care why you change churches. My close friends know that there are some specific things to why we left and they are happy I’ve found a good fit. The people I enjoy seeking but are not “my BFFs” don’t have as much detail, but are still happy we are happy.

This. People move churches all the time and this is just not a super controversial reason. It doesn’t matter if you don’t go to the same church anymore. They invited you; you want mom friends. They are welcoming you. You have easy relationships with a bunch of them. You’re all religious, even if you now sit in a different church on Sunday. You’re making life more complicated than it needs to be based on your unsubstantiated perceptions of their feelings about you.