Moms Night Dilemma

[Anonymous]

A year ago, we left the church we had been at for years and a lot of friendships fell by the wayside as a result. I don't think anyone intentionally dropped us as friends, necessarily, just more of an "out of sight, out of mind" thing. I've maintained friendships with some of the moms one-on-one.

While we have a good group of neighborhood friends, it was nice to have friends who shared our faith. But we've had trouble making friends at our new church.

Recently, a couple of friends from our old church started a regular moms night with moms from that church and they have invited me. I feel strange about attending, since we go to a different church now, and have so far made excuses to avoid it. It was hard to leave the church and start over somewhere else. I'm worried that continuing to enmesh myself with them will get in the way of moving on. And I'll have to answer questions about why I left that I'd rather not talk about. Plus, there are a couple of moms in the group who I'd rather not see. At the same time, it's really hard to give up a friend group of like-minded parents with friends I do genuinely care about.

I'm just feeling like it's so hard to make parent friends and I needed to vent. Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don’t want to go, so don’t. Organize a moms night out at your new church instead.

[Anonymous]

It’s only a dilemma if you make it one. It sounds like you want to move forward and leave the old group behind. If that’s the case, simply decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don’t want to go, so don’t. Organize a mom's night out at your new church instead.

+1 This is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Why did you leave the church? It sounds like it was a big part of your life and you didn’t physically move away.

I would think about whether you want to return to the previous church or whether you want to leave, knowing that it likely means leaving these friends behind. If your reasons for leaving are still there, still valid, and more important to you and your family than maintaining these friendships, then remind yourself of that whenever you feel pain about missing these friendships.
If the reasons seem kind of flimsy and arbitrary in the face of the things that you have lost, then you should consider returning.

I don’t know what you should do, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

[Anonymous]

there are a couple of moms in the group who I'd rather not see

Of all you said Op, imo, this is all that matters. So instead, see the ones you'd like to see. Only them. But since this is a subset of the larger group, you better initiate. No gain without a little pain (or at least initial awkwardness ... sorry, you don't get to have it both ways in your favor) You were given a way back in with members of the group, so be confident because it was the people who like you the most who were the ones that wanted you back - the same people you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

Good lord this is unhinged. Leaving a church is not the same as putting down a dog for no reason…?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

Good lord this is unhinged. Leaving a church is not the same as putting down a dog for no reason…?

That’s because you are a dog lover. You can put down your dog for any reason, just like you can leave a church for any reason.

But after you do, you can’t expect that people who care very deeply about their own dogs or their own faith to want to hang out with you unless you have some other connection.

[Anonymous]

The danger in making religious activities the center of your social life is that people *frequently* switch churches, stop believing, have a spouse who stops believing, have children who stop believing, get fed up with church leadership, etc. These kinds of friendships are weak and fickle.

It would be better for you to make mommy friends at your new church but not make the hangouts about religion. And tell people they are free to invite their non church mommy friends who woukd like to hang out, that way you can make new friends who can potentially stick around even if you switch churches yet again or stop going. You might even find some like minded people in local homeschooling groups.

[Anonymous]

I think you have answered your own question OP, and the PP who said start a group at your new church is giving you good advice.

I have been in a similar situation. Leaving a church where you've been involved and a lot of your life has revolved around it is really hard. You left for a reason. It's normal to have all the feelings you're having but I would just try to remember why you left, keep those 1:1 relationships that you want, and put a lot of energy into your new church.

[Anonymous]

I suggest to attend one of these meet ups and see how it goes. If someone asked you for particulars, just say, “It wasn’t a good fit for us”. Hopefully, people will drop it. If they persist, you have your answer. Maybe most will surprise you and be glad to see you. Hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you left due to the stance of the church and its preaching but still love your friends, fine. Sounds like these mom’s nights might be bigger groups. If your particular church preferences come up, decline to answer. “Ah, personal decision by me and DH. How is your little Larlo’s basketball season going”. Rinse and repeat. If it becomes onerous after one or two get togethers, reach to the women you are friends with to clearly say their relationships are important to you but the environment of those particular gatherings doesn’t work.

Maybe I don’t understand why you can’t have friends via multiple parts of your life?

I get it. It’s like if you are in a group of people who love doodles, and you decided to put your doodle down because you think they are a dumb breed.
You can maybe hang out with people from that group one on one because you appreciate each other as people and talk about other things.
But it’s going to be hard to get together with the group. The thing that unites the group is the love of doodles, and everyone there knows that you don’t have it.

Because, yes, feelings about faith and organizations are exactly like this.

[Anonymous]

As someone who attends events and activities at multiple different churches, I see no issue with attending the moms group and maintaining relationships. I love being part of multiple faith communities and maintaining and expanding my social networks through them. I think you’re overthinking this. Make new friends and keep the old. Dropping people entirely just because you moved to a new church makes zero sense to me.