Dating after breaking up with a narcissist

[Anonymous]

I suggest anyone who was in a relationship with a narc to take some time off from everything and just be with yourself and do things that you enjoy doing. Don't jump in the dating game or sex too soon.

[Anonymous]

When did this whole "narcissism" kick start?

I swear a year or two it became the in thing for women to refer to their ex(es) as this.

Never even heard of it really in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did this whole "narcissism" kick start?

I swear a year or two it became the in thing for women to refer to their ex(es) as this.

Never even heard of it really in the past.

yeah, it is a new trend of last 10 years or so and some people really are narc and others just use that word to not self-reflect.

[Anonymous]

I pushed back pretty hard when various mental health professionals suggested XH had a lot of narcissistic traits. I thought he was just being a jerk. And, to be fair, he was being a jerk. I feel like the term is definitely overused right now. But if being able to identify particular behaviors helps people stay out of or remove themselves from unhealthy relationships, I'm all for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did this whole "narcissism" kick start?

I swear a year or two it became the in thing for women to refer to their ex(es) as this.

Never even heard of it really in the past.

I think we now have the language to label what it is. Similarly all those kids I went to school with who were "bad" kids; we would now say that some of them are on the spectrum, some have ADHD, etc. People who seek out advice and support on message boards like this are often struggling with similar issues and confusion about what is going on in unhealthy relationships. Not every bad relationship involves narcissistic abuse. This happens to be a thread specifically about narcissistic relationships so people responding on this thread will be more likely to have experience with it or to suspect that may be the dynamic at play.

[Anonymous]

You have been trauma bonded OP. It messes with your mind so that any scraps of love feel wonderful. Go see a therapist that specialises in narcissistic relationships. You can also check out Dr Ramani and Richard Grannon’s videos on You Tube. Richard in particular survived 3 relationships with narcissists and now provides help to people in the same boat. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pushed back pretty hard when various mental health professionals suggested XH had a lot of narcissistic traits. I thought he was just being a jerk. And, to be fair, he was being a jerk. I feel like the term is definitely overused right now. But if being able to identify particular behaviors helps people stay out of or remove themselves from unhealthy relationships, I'm all for it.

Why push back? I used the feedback I was given by mental health professionals to try to understand why I am drawn to people with those specific personality traits. It has been very helpful to me in trying not to repeat the same patterns - I guess I'm not trying to understand them so much as understand myself.

[Anonymous]

Yeah but literally every other post you see here is about how someone's ex was a narcissistic person.

Awful lot of them in the DMV!! LOL, it's obviously the "in" thing to self diagnose now instead of just saying the person was a jerk, or the relationship didnt work out for whatever reason- or some self reflection too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have slowly realized that two of my most intense and meaningful relationships in my life were with narcissists, or at least with people who had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Both were amazingly good at making me feel good on the good days. Both made me feel horrible about myself on the bad days, which far outnumbered the good days.

The sex with them was not any better than the best sex I've had with other partners, if I'm thinking about sex from a purely physical standpoint, but sex with them usually felt incredible from an emotional standpoint. Nothing else has come close.

Now everyone else seems a little bit boring, in just about every way.

By the way, they were both covert narcissists. I didn't even know what that was until a few months ago. I thought narcissists were always kinda like Trump, the world's most famous narcissist. It turns out there are other kinds of narcissists. I'm repulsed by Trump type narcissists. The kind I'm drawn to is less grandiose. They claim to be the victim all the time. I was always trying to please them and usually coming up short. When I seemed to satisfy them, I was in heaven.

I'm a man. They are women. I'm glad I figured this out. I'm not sure what it means for future relationships.

I doubt it, only about 1% of the population are narcissists.

What is probably the case - you ir them have developed past the third stage of mental development where you are able to think about other people other than yourself.

Most people are stuck in stage three, examples being something like "hey it's ok all those government employees got fired - I mean my job sucks so why should they get any type of job protections?".

In terms of relationships it's more of something like, so and so isn't giving me what I want, obviously they're the problem and I'm doing nothing wrong". Total lack of inward reflection and accountability of where you failed in the relationship. And if the other person expressed that they don't want to do X or Y you say "well you're just a narcissist" I've been called that many times because I have boundaries. Hard boundaries for me - texting ex boyfriends that you shouldn't be (co-parenting is an exception). If you're doing so you're merely keeping them around for validation or a backup plan. If I say I don't like that and you accusing me of being "insecure" then it's you who are the issue. There isn't a reason to put yourself into a position to be texting exes. I don't do it and wouldn't disrespect the relationship like that. But someone who fails to see that is unable to see what effect it may have on the other person.

If they are making you feel bad on bad days that's a you issue. You shouldn't be putting the ones on others to make you feel "good". That's your responsibility. Can someone be supportive and empathetic? Sure, but don't expect them to.

It sounds like you have a lot to think about and you should stay single and do the work. You should not be sitting here questioning "how do I date after dating someone who I use a buzzword to describe"? You should be asking yourself how do I make myself happy on my own and how to I get to the point where I can view it see my partners point of view? If you're unable to do those things you're not ready to date

[Anonymous]

I didn't understand the "third stage" comment. Was there a typo?

I doubt only 1 percent are narcissists but whether someone IS a narcissist or someone just acts LIKE a narcissist, the ups and downs are real.

Working on self makes sense but can feel extremely lonely.