Dating after breaking up with a narcissist

[Anonymous]

I have slowly realized that two of my most intense and meaningful relationships in my life were with narcissists, or at least with people who had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Both were amazingly good at making me feel good on the good days. Both made me feel horrible about myself on the bad days, which far outnumbered the good days.

The sex with them was not any better than the best sex I've had with other partners, if I'm thinking about sex from a purely physical standpoint, but sex with them usually felt incredible from an emotional standpoint. Nothing else has come close.

Now everyone else seems a little bit boring, in just about every way.

By the way, they were both covert narcissists. I didn't even know what that was until a few months ago. I thought narcissists were always kinda like Trump, the world's most famous narcissist. It turns out there are other kinds of narcissists. I'm repulsed by Trump type narcissists. The kind I'm drawn to is less grandiose. They claim to be the victim all the time. I was always trying to please them and usually coming up short. When I seemed to satisfy them, I was in heaven.

I'm a man. They are women. I'm glad I figured this out. I'm not sure what it means for future relationships.

[Anonymous]

I fell for one recently. AGAIN. I thought I knew better. In some ways I did know better because this time I walked away before investing years of my life with a Narc. #1 was covert and that was a long relationship with a very abrupt, out of nowhere end (ok, that's not true either, looking back I just ignored the red flags for years) #2? Not covert, not overt, just a lot of narc tendencies and an inability to ever accept responsibility.

I was raised by a covert narc so I understand, after a ton of therapy and self-reflection, why I am drawn to people with narcissistic tendencies. It's what I know and confuse with love. I do kind of fee like I should give myself a little credit for pulling the plug on the second relationship fairly quickly.

I found this, which explains why the sex seems so good. You might find it helpful, too. https://www.twolightstherapy.com/post/why-sex-with-a-narcissist-feels-so-addictive-and-how-to-break-free

[Anonymous]

Interesting article.

Some highlights:

Sex with a narcissist can feel unlike anything else—often, it’s one of the only times you feel truly connected to them. Outside the bedroom, they may be distant, avoidant, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable—but during sex, their full attention is on you, creating the illusion of deep intimacy. This intensity can feel euphoric and even addictive because it’s one of the rare moments where you feel bonded, desired, seen, sexy, and emotionally connected. But the unfortunate reality? The high is always followed by an intense emotional crash, reinforcing the power imbalance that keeps you hooked.

***

One of the biggest fears of leaving a narcissistic relationship is:

What if I never feel this kind of passion again? What if sex in a healthy relationship feels boring? I hear you. If you’re wired for intensity, the idea of settling into a stable relationship can feel like trading passion for boredom—which is why so many people go back to the chaos (most of us do, multiple times). The fear of being with a nice, stable partner but having no chemistry is a real concern.

The reality is, intensity doesn’t have to mean instability. Mind-blowing, passionate sex can exist in safe, healthy relationships. In fact, it can be even better—because instead of being fueled by anxiety, it’s fueled by trust, playfulness, and deep emotional & sexual attunement. Dominance, surrender, and raw desire don’t disappear in the right, healthy relationship—they just become more expansive. Instead of chasing validation or fearing abandonment, you’re free to explore pleasure on your own terms, knowing the connection doesn’t vanish once the moment ends.

***

Things will still be wild again one day. Passion was never the problem.

It was just misplaced in the hands of someone who never deserved it. One last thing to remember: The sex wasn’t good because THEY were there—it was good because YOU were there, and it provided you with an exciting space to explore your own sexuality. That exploration doesn’t have to stop just because they’re gone. There are many more opportunities ahead of you to continue that important work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting article.

Some highlights:

Sex with a narcissist can feel unlike anything else—often, it’s one of the only times you feel truly connected to them. Outside the bedroom, they may be distant, avoidant, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable—but during sex, their full attention is on you, creating the illusion of deep intimacy. This intensity can feel euphoric and even addictive because it’s one of the rare moments where you feel bonded, desired, seen, sexy, and emotionally connected. But the unfortunate reality? The high is always followed by an intense emotional crash, reinforcing the power imbalance that keeps you hooked.

***

One of the biggest fears of leaving a narcissistic relationship is:

What if I never feel this kind of passion again? What if sex in a healthy relationship feels boring? I hear you. If you’re wired for intensity, the idea of settling into a stable relationship can feel like trading passion for boredom—which is why so many people go back to the chaos (most of us do, multiple times). The fear of being with a nice, stable partner but having no chemistry is a real concern.

The reality is, intensity doesn’t have to mean instability. Mind-blowing, passionate sex can exist in safe, healthy relationships. In fact, it can be even better—because instead of being fueled by anxiety, it’s fueled by trust, playfulness, and deep emotional & sexual attunement. Dominance, surrender, and raw desire don’t disappear in the right, healthy relationship—they just become more expansive. Instead of chasing validation or fearing abandonment, you’re free to explore pleasure on your own terms, knowing the connection doesn’t vanish once the moment ends.

***

Things will still be wild again one day. Passion was never the problem.

It was just misplaced in the hands of someone who never deserved it. One last thing to remember: The sex wasn’t good because THEY were there—it was good because YOU were there, and it provided you with an exciting space to explore your own sexuality. That exploration doesn’t have to stop just because they’re gone. There are many more opportunities ahead of you to continue that important work.

I am a man and recently broke up with my narcissistic ex. We were together for more than 2 years and sex was good at the starting but later on she started avoiding because her sex drive was low. She wasn't into pleasing and as far as the sex part goes, it was ok.
Emotionally, she would say all the right words but then turn around and act completely selfish and cold like relationship is very easy to break. Her threats about breaking relationships every time things get tough or we argued about something was more about the control and her narcissistic behavior. Accountability is another thing and she would not say Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have slowly realized that two of my most intense and meaningful relationships in my life were with narcissists, or at least with people who had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Both were amazingly good at making me feel good on the good days. Both made me feel horrible about myself on the bad days, which far outnumbered the good days.

The sex with them was not any better than the best sex I've had with other partners, if I'm thinking about sex from a purely physical standpoint, but sex with them usually felt incredible from an emotional standpoint. Nothing else has come close.

Now everyone else seems a little bit boring, in just about every way.

By the way, they were both covert narcissists. I didn't even know what that was until a few months ago. I thought narcissists were always kinda like Trump, the world's most famous narcissist. It turns out there are other kinds of narcissists. I'm repulsed by Trump type narcissists. The kind I'm drawn to is less grandiose. They claim to be the victim all the time. I was always trying to please them and usually coming up short. When I seemed to satisfy them, I was in heaven.

I'm a man. They are women. I'm glad I figured this out. I'm not sure what it means for future relationships.

Is it because it generally came after a low point, i.e. you were fighting/they were being cruel, and then you made up? If so, it's the swing from low to high you enjoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have slowly realized that two of my most intense and meaningful relationships in my life were with narcissists, or at least with people who had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Both were amazingly good at making me feel good on the good days. Both made me feel horrible about myself on the bad days, which far outnumbered the good days.

The sex with them was not any better than the best sex I've had with other partners, if I'm thinking about sex from a purely physical standpoint, but sex with them usually felt incredible from an emotional standpoint. Nothing else has come close.

Now everyone else seems a little bit boring, in just about every way.

By the way, they were both covert narcissists. I didn't even know what that was until a few months ago. I thought narcissists were always kinda like Trump, the world's most famous narcissist. It turns out there are other kinds of narcissists. I'm repulsed by Trump type narcissists. The kind I'm drawn to is less grandiose. They claim to be the victim all the time. I was always trying to please them and usually coming up short. When I seemed to satisfy them, I was in heaven.

I'm a man. They are women. I'm glad I figured this out. I'm not sure what it means for future relationships.

This and also feeling like the sun is shining only on you when they are happy with you are two key things to be wary of. It's fine if someone always makes it feel like the sun is shining on you, but if you're with someone who takes it away, then be careful.

Also, there's something to be said about boring. I'm not sure how old you are, but at 46, I can say that one of the best things about my husband is that he kind of be kind of boring sometimes. There is enough drama with our tween girls and other people's lives (divorce, etc.), that I am grateful I have none of that in my house. We do have a lot of fun together, he's just not one of those thrill-seeker types, he's quieter and steady, and over 20 years, I'm glad that's the ride I'm on. Just some perspective for you if you're younger.

[Anonymous]

let me tell you my experience with my narc ex-gf. She came to pick up her stuff and started getting pushy about giving her the jewelry and other expensive items that I bought her during our relationship. She already has some but didn't take it well when I said NO and got really pissy. Too bad. Some people are just toxic and don't care about anyone else. There is no way of knowing who would turn out to be like this but always look out for red flags early in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

That's really tasteless. If you gave it to her it's hers. You shouldn't get takebacks for gifts. What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have slowly realized that two of my most intense and meaningful relationships in my life were with narcissists, or at least with people who had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Both were amazingly good at making me feel good on the good days. Both made me feel horrible about myself on the bad days, which far outnumbered the good days.

The sex with them was not any better than the best sex I've had with other partners, if I'm thinking about sex from a purely physical standpoint, but sex with them usually felt incredible from an emotional standpoint. Nothing else has come close.

Now everyone else seems a little bit boring, in just about every way.

By the way, they were both covert narcissists. I didn't even know what that was until a few months ago. I thought narcissists were always kinda like Trump, the world's most famous narcissist. It turns out there are other kinds of narcissists. I'm repulsed by Trump type narcissists. The kind I'm drawn to is less grandiose. They claim to be the victim all the time. I was always trying to please them and usually coming up short. When I seemed to satisfy them, I was in heaven.

I'm a man. They are women. I'm glad I figured this out. I'm not sure what it means for future relationships.

Instead of diagnosing your past partners, seek insight in yourself as that's what really matters.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I hear you. But insight into self and insight into past partners are closely related. To answer the question "why am I drawn to covert narcissists" I had to first realize that I was drawn to covert narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's really tasteless. If you gave it to her it's hers. You shouldn't get takebacks for gifts. What's wrong with you?

It is alright to not give it back if OP's ex is using him and just care about the gifts etc. There are a lot of partners who would hurt you but then think that you should treat them fairly. If she is/was a narcissist then it could be one of her manipulations.

[Anonymous]

I think the word narcissist is overused.
The people described here sound self-absorbed and self-centered. They are not ready for a relationship and it just sounds like sex is the only thing they share.

Narcissistic is a character out of Roman (or is it Greek?) mythology who saw his own reflection in a pool of water and fell in love with what he saw. Vain and self-obsessed, he withered away unable to obtain the object of his fascination.

[Anonymous]

Narcissus- damn autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a slow learner.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of slow learners out there. Any people are drawn to narcissistic types. I guess it's weird that these people don't recognize the self destructive patterns or don't recognize them early. What's even weirder to me is that the narcissists seem oblivious.