Why are inlaws annoying but we like one member of their family?

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I are creating our family culture.

My spouse's family has the expectation that I will accept and take on their family culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? My theory is that the stuff that annoys us in our spouse is amplified when we see it in their family. All the things that I find mildly irritating in my spouse I also see in my inlaws, only more so, and not balanced by all his great qualities.

Yes, this is definitely part of it. I also think that, in life, when most people drive us nuts our spouse agrees with us in our assessment or doesn't, but either way our assessment does not offend. I think when MIL drives me nuts, it's amplified by biting my tongue so as not to hurt my DH's feelings. I think I also get a little bit annoyed at the way my husband relates to his family (i.e., he's very passive). So it's as much to do with my DH as his family!

BTW, I generally like my MIL, but recently had a very rough visit with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? My theory is that the stuff that annoys us in our spouse is amplified when we see it in their family. All the things that I find mildly irritating in my spouse I also see in my inlaws, only more so, and not balanced by all his great qualities.

Yes, this is definitely part of it. I also think that, in life, when most people drive us nuts our spouse agrees with us in our assessment or doesn't, but either way our assessment does not offend. I think when MIL drives me nuts, it's amplified by biting my tongue so as not to hurt my DH's feelings. I think I also get a little bit annoyed at the way my husband relates to his family (i.e., he's very passive). So it's as much to do with my DH as his family!

BTW, I generally like my MIL, but recently had a very rough visit with her.

This nailed it on the head for me. I once told my DH that if his mom and I were co-workers, we would not get along and he would get annoyed at any of the stories I shared about her. As his mother, she's off limits for criticism. But the bottom line is that quite a few of her annoying habits were passed down to my husband. Thank god not all of them. I'm sure he says the same thing about my "quirks".

[Anonymous]

My MIL treats her son as her surrogate husband and also as a little boy. She cannot and will not look past the fact that he is a grown man with his own family to care for and worry about. She plays on his guilt constantly and is just a selfish, uncaring woman who tries to make him take sides and choose which woman will be important in his life. She cannot understand that his wife and children are important, as well as his mother. She calls to say she wants to visit her son....oh and the grandchildren, which are always incidental.

[Anonymous]

The things that drive me crazy about DH (and believe me there are plenty) are actually not things I see in his parents. In fact, DH gets almost as annoyed with his mom as I do. She's a warm, generous person who loves our DS very much, but she's kind of a mess and lives her life in a haphazard, kind of irresponsible way, while at the same time feeling free to share strong opinions about our childrearing. I think it's just wierd to be instant family with someone you might not have chosen to spend time with undernoyher circumstances.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is selfish. So is my SIL. DH is not.

But I see PP's point.

[Anonymous]

It is true. I wonder how I was blind to the annoying habits of my husband- and wonder still how I went on to marry him even after getting a crappy treatment from his selfish and mean family on my pre marriage visits. I must have had mud in my head instead of brain!!!!
My husband has some kind of a problem which I dont know to diagnose and give a name. He cannot keep a job a becoz he never listens to what the boss wants, cannot implement it because he does not listen and understand, he then misinterprets and finally ends up annoying the boss and then getting fired. He has changed 6 jobs in 6 years. At best he used to be in a job for a year if the boss is kind. Now he has been out of job since 2008. At home too, I have spend tonnes of my energy to get him to do a chore a simple as getting the garbage. HE never listens and always does a crappy job which angers me to no end. This has been draining my energy. I work at a university, am trying to learn a new course to enhance my skill sets and at home I cook and do housekeeping, pay all the bills, take car for servicing and you name it...I have to keep all this in mind. And my husband, who sits at home can only think of doing two thing: internet browsing-facebooking and talk over phone with equally no good 'friends'. He wants to call his no good friends EVERYday for dinner, talk with them until 10 or 11 pm and then go back to internet until he falls asleep. This contstant visits by 'friends' prevent me from doing stuff related to my course work or job relate work at home. He has a good name among people as he is great at entertaining friends and hanging around and partying with them. I am going MAD as the days go by. I have been putting up with this nonsense for last 10 years and it has gotten worse since he left his last job. He has no sense of responsibility- does not bother that we have nothing to live on in retirement.. nothing at all. Instead he calls me the 'doom and gloom' person or 'Elpensaro and laligro'.
As if this were not enough, his parents are extremely selfish, vicious and mean people. THey live in India but they have brainwashed my husband's mind to suit their selfish needs. For years I have had to listen how his father is a great guy who fixes stuff or how great his mom is in cooking or how his sister is great. If I ask him to fix something at home- he would say'my dad is great at fixing stuff'. Heck, this drives me nuts because 1) his dad is a very selfish and ordinary man. His very average and ordinary acts are glorified to heights of nobel-prize winning acts and 2) he is a rude and very selfish man about whom I don not wish to hear great things. His mother is a vey bad cook and over that, she is very very dirty. So the bottom line is: I am finally losing my mind for having to put up with a man who is challenged in some way and on top have to respect and pay my veneration to his family by way of talking to them and visiting them when I got to India. I refuse to do this becoz, already I am putting up with a man who is not doing the durties of a husband. When Id ont get anything out of this marriage,why should I waste time on thoese selfish people? My culture and society judges me as wrong, but I want to know, from all of you there Am i wrong? or insane or just stupid .

[Anonymous]

MIL still treats DH like a little boy. He used to get upset when I refuse to pamper him like a little boy too. But when she's around, that helpless little 2 year old comes back out. That's why my in-laws irritate me.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both come from families that are dysfunctional and emotionally cold in different ways. We spent our 20's figuring out our lives separate from our families and we each grew to be very different from them. We met when we were 30. My MIL undervalues DH (which is crazy to me because he is a gem) yet she also wants to control him. My DH has some things in common with his family but he's truly found his own way, so I can look at him and say wow you are nothing like your family.