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Why are inlaws annoying but we like one member of their family?
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Anonymous
| This is obviously not a post for those who loooooove their inlaws....But just wondering from an anthropological view why there is always some animosity or tension with inlaws...and yet we have deemed one of their clan members as "okay" that we married them. |
Anonymous
| Honestly? My theory is that the stuff that annoys us in our spouse is amplified when we see it in their family. All the things that I find mildly irritating in my spouse I also see in my inlaws, only more so, and not balanced by all his great qualities. |
Anonymous
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I am not qualified to answer probably because overall I really like my in-laws but some things annoy me. I agree with the first poster and will add, because it's instant family, even if you knew them for years before getting married, all of a sudden you have their traditions and way of doing things in your face.
It can be hard even if you love 'em. |
Anonymous
great insight - I've always wondered why they bug me so much. and I think this is really it (at least about MIL)... |
Anonymous
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I wonder this too. My MIL is a warm, generous, open-minded person, but some of the stuff she does drives me BATSHIT CRAZY.
I was discussing this with a friend and she suggested that it's because on some level there is an element of competition. I never saw it that way but now that I have a baby son I think it makes sense. I hold him in my arms, comfort him when he cries, and nourish him directly from my body--he feels completely mine. It's bound to be bittersweet when he chooses to belong to another woman. And as a daughter-in-law, perhaps on some subconscious level I'm constantly trying to show my MIL that DH belongs to me now. Or maybe my MIL is just annoying, who knows. I did love a recent line from Gloria on Modern Family: "The number one cause of death among Colombian women is when their sons get married." |
Anonymous
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My MIL is a horror show. Husband agrees. He tries hard not to bring the ways of his childhood to raising our child...
20:47 has a point. In my case, though, part of why I hate her is that I can watch my husband replicate some of her crazy shit when dealing with our son. Husband still sometimes struggles with learning a different way to raise a child. My SIL (who shares a MIL with me) has exactly the same thing going on in her house. Somehow, MIL raised good men - might be because there were so many uncles around for them. (Uncles think she's a horror show, too!) |
Anonymous
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"I agree with the first poster and will add, because it's instant family, even if you knew them for years before getting married, all of a sudden you have their traditions and way of doing things in your face. "
Ditto. Plus more people who think they have a "right" to judge me. Yikes! |
Anonymous
| I also don't understand this phenomenon. In theory my inlaws are not that bad...but there really are things that annoy me and given the choice I wouldn't really choose to spend alot of time with them. I never thought of the instant family reason but that makes alot of sense. It is hard enough dealing with noninstant family let alone someone else's. My DH and I were both living away from family that lives out of state when we were dating and engaged etc and therefore we hardly ever saw them. As a matter of fact he really didn't make a point to me visiting them with him until a few months before we got engaged. So I didn't really have time to establish a relationship with them or see them without any "familial" pressures. Maybe that is why they are so irksome. I am also dealing with a different culture too. But for the most part they are sweet in small doese. |
Anonymous
| I've wondered about this myself... |
Anonymous
|
I have great in-laws for the most part but there are certain things that make me crazy. For me, I realized a long time ago that he is also dealing with a whole new set of craziness from my family so its a trade-off. No one comes from a perfect family. And I have to admit that as crazy as his family is at times, mine can run circles around his in terms of the shenanigans they pull.
Overall, I think we just have to accept that both sides come with good traits and bad traits. And I'm sure that my in-laws and my own family are saying the same thing about my DH and I. I just hope that we pass on the good traits from both sides. |
Anonymous
| I think a lot of us have crazies in our own families, but somehow we deal with them because we've learned to deal with them over the course of our lives. When new crazy comes into the picture, then it will probably take another 30 years before you are used to dealing with that. So roughly around the age of 60, the in laws will probably be more tolerable. Only by then, they may be dead. |
Anonymous
This nails it for me. I also think my husband's worst/least helpful traits are directly from his parents, which is not necessarily the same as his best traits, so I know I "blame" them on some level. Unfair but true. If we are bickering and he sounds just like his parents, I have to literally clamp my lips shut so I don't say "stop arguing like your parents!" |
Anonymous
Whenever a bad trail comes up in my husband or any type of lameness I completely secretly in my head blame his parents! |
Anonymous
| PP here: I meant "trait" not "trail"...my DH doesn't leave trails... |
Anonymous
Too tired from family drama to read the rest of the post - but I would just like to say I often ask that question myself. |