Holiday advice from those who are low-contact with their parents

[Anonymous]

The biggest thing for me:

Do not pressure him to do anything. Let him decide. If he said he'd send his parents a card and then doesn't, say nothing. If he said he didn't want to talk to them but decides to call them Christmas Day, say "ok, I support you and am hear to talk after if you want."

Don't try to convince him he needs to do anything or not do anything, because one of the hardest things about going low contact is the guilt you feel over not fulfilling an obligation to your parents. So you often wind up torn between reaching out and not, even when you have affirmatively made a larger choice to spend the holiday apart or to stay away from them more generally.

I am low contact with my parents and my DH is generally great about this, but in the last year I scheduled a trip to see them (first in years, short trip, main goal was to facilitate my kids seeing them) and when I was struggling with booking tickets and deciding how long to go, DH kind of leaned on me and said stuff like "you said you wanted to do this" or "I think it would be nice to see them." I know he thought he was being supportive because I *had* said I wanted to visit them. But even that minimal pressure exacerbated my stress. It is easier for me to work through that on my own and then have him support what I decide. It's my family so I need to trust my gut and not get caught up in what I "should" do or what other people would do with regards to their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with happy families sometimes want to fix unhappy ones. Actually with an unhappy family, separation IS the happier choice.
It's a relief not to have drama trauma on a holiday.
Yes it's wistful wishing for those idealized holidays that never actually were, or remembering a few happy things, but each year will be better.
Never saw my mother the last 5 years of her life.

I definitely don’t want to “fix” anything; the peace has been a blessing! But I would be remiss to say I don’t notice it affects my husband, and to want to support him emotionally.

OP

A hug can go a long way when there are no words which will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll handle it on his own terms. As you have realized correctly, it's an internal struggle. The fact that he handled Thanksgiving so well is a huge positive. Just be present. He'll let you know if he needs your support as all of us are different. I personally don't want to talk to my DH about my difficult mother at all as his "advice" is completely useless at best and irritating at worst.

Can you tell me more about the useless and irritating things? I want to avoid this for sure.

Don't try to talk him through it or try to make this easier. That is really about your discomfort in seeing him down. He has to feel the feelings to heal. Just be there and listen and hold him, if he wants that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll handle it on his own terms. As you have realized correctly, it's an internal struggle. The fact that he handled Thanksgiving so well is a huge positive. Just be present. He'll let you know if he needs your support as all of us are different. I personally don't want to talk to my DH about my difficult mother at all as his "advice" is completely useless at best and irritating at worst.

Can you tell me more about the useless and irritating things? I want to avoid this for sure.

Just don’t give advice. If you were not raised by a narcissist, you had cards dealt from a completely different deck than he did, and none of the rules of the games you played were the same.

It’s a loving instinct you are having, but there is only one thing to do: ask what would be helpful to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on.
Create your own new memories and plans for the holidays.

This is the most important thing you can do few years from now, the success of replacing dysfunction and abuse with happy memories will be something your family can be proud of

[Anonymous]

I went low/no contact with my parents. You don't have to force a conversation, but make sure he knows you're available if needed. It can be as simple as giving him a hug and whispering "I'm here to talk if you need me."

[Anonymous]

I cannot wait until this generation becomes the estranged parents of their adult kids. So much narcissism and entitlement, fueled by messaging throughout their lives. It seems to be everywhere and it's just so stupid and immature.