Don’t want to interact with MIL

[Anonymous]

You lost me at “I am an empath”.
You don’t have to visit her, it’s fine, I think maybe she prefers it more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is not a nice person. She is narcissistic and thinks she is better than everyone. She treats her siblings poorly, is mean to her extended family. People tolerate her to her face because she is very wealthy and they are occasionally treated to nice events and gifts. She has lost many relationships due to her behavior but she acts like she could care less bc the relationships were beneath her. She is also racist, xenophobic, classist, mocks people of different faiths, and the type of person who is rude to waiters.
Over the years, I have caught her in lies about other people (extended family) but I didn’t call her out bc it was none of my business. I have called out on many other obnoxious comments, as have my teens, and she dials back her prejudices.

My DH is an only child and my MIL worships the ground he walks on. He can do no wrong. She is also loving and generous to my two children. DH loves his mom, and he has a strong sense of duty to take care of and visit her (1-2 times/week) although they don’t talk much on these visits. I visited her weekly (with DH) until recently.

MIL has always been outwardly respectful to me, until about a year ago, where I overheard her lie about me (something she says I said)—to my husband. I immediately called her out on it and she insisted I said it and was severely affronted that I questioned her honesty. My husband asked his mom to apologize to me, but didn’t make a big deal bc she was already histrionic. I held my ground and have kept my distance from her since. I am 100% civil and polite but don’t speak to her unnecessarily.
I have stopped making any excuses for her and really can’t stand her. My kids love her as their grandma, but also don’t like her as they have seen her bad behaviors. They don’t like to spend time with her bc she is manipulative. DH knows his mom’s faults, but just lets it go as “it’s just the way she is.” Mind you, she is very sharp and is still working as a professional.
She has been trying to make amends, apologized and said she misunderstood or heard my words wrong. She says she wants things to go back to how they were. But I dont want to go back. I’m so much happier now with space from her . My husband visits her without me (I love it) and I see her at all family gatherings and keep things pleasant.

My issue is that i feel a little guilty about not accepting MIL’s apology (I’m an empath and dislike conflict). I’m also not sure how long my husband will be okay with me avoiding his mom (he’s awesome to my parents and siblings) before he thinks I’m being unreasonable. I don’t want this to cause stress between us.

Perhaps I want some corroboration that I don’t have to forgive or appease a mean, horrible, selfish woman just because she apologized, is old and my DH’s mother.

OP, I would chalk it to age-related cognitive decline. It happens to everyone. You have said your piece to MIL and DH. She has apologized and you need to let it go. I am saying this because one of these days, your parents or siblings will say something to your DH (because they will soon have their cognitive decline and lack of filter moment too) and he won't let it go either. Or he will harbor resentment against you for humiliating his mom by not letting it go.

Be gracious and be a better person. It shows your DH the kind of person you are. Right now, your actions makes you sound vindictive and horrible. Be a better person and show your DH what forgiveness means.

[Anonymous]

So much hatred towards women here.

Your MIL is awful and you don’t have to forgive her if you’re not ready.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to forgive or appease a mean, horrible, selfish woman just because she apologized, is old and your DH’s mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written much of your post, so you have my empathy in spades. I've been married for 20 years. DH (also an only child who hung the moon in her eyes) has gradually recognized his mother for who she is: a "vulnerable narcissist". It sounds like your MIL is perhaps more of a classic narcissist.

Regardless, the best way to deal with either type is to gray rock them. Thank you, DCUM, for teaching me this phrase/concept years ago. It has saved me, and it is now saving DH. If she is nasty, don't respond. If she tries to manipulate, don't engage. Gray. Rock. That. Shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much hatred towards women here.

Your MIL is awful and you don’t have to forgive her if you’re not ready.

Ironic.

[Anonymous]

She apologized. I say forgive her.

My SIL lied about me to her daughter who posted about it on her blog 6 years ago. I came across it last night. In addition to the lies, I was called a POS and tramp. No idea why as I have never looked outside my marriage for anything. Niece said her mom told her the lies and she wishes she had asked me about it before posting. She deleted the stuff about us. SIL had not said anything in almost 24 hours although she liked my text. DH has reached out to her now. We have given DH’s family tens of thousands of dollars over three decades. He feels stabbed in the back because the one thing he said he was sure of was that his sister would never lie. Now he has seen the blog and the comments. He did try to give her the benefit of the doubt after his initial anger and I had to put my foot down. I’m pretty sure I will never get an apology and now am wondering why I am feeling bad when I am the wronged party. Sorry for venting on your post, I just wanted to say I understand and would forgive anyone who apologized!

[Anonymous]

I think you're fine. One cannot require warm relationships, staying civilized is all that is needed. I understand why you don't want to go back to "how it was". I think subconsciously you know that once it's back to "how it was", her behavior repeats. That's how it usually goes with people like your MIL.

[Anonymous]

You can accept her apology without going back to your old ways. Accepting the apology means you forgive her. It doesn’t mean erasing it and pretending it didn’t happen, or forgetting what you’ve learned about your own improved well-being since spending less time with her. Maybe visit with your DH once a month instead of every week. Or invite her to your house, where it’ll be easier for you to feel comfortable and also wander off to escape to another room when you need to.

Be polite but you don’t need to overdo it. And keep an eye out for dementia, in case she really did believe you had said something you didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say "thank you for your apology, let's move on from this issue now" and that doesn't mean you ACCEPT her apology and doesn't mean you go back to chatting with her. Gives both you and her what you each want.

I would agree with this. I would probably do the occasional visit as well, just bc of your kids, but nothing regular.

So sorry for this situation, narcissists are so damaging to the wider family.

[Anonymous]

I don’t even know what you think “accepting” her apology means or what you think she wants you to change. You can say “thanks for apologizing” without changing a thing about what you are doing. You could see her a little more often without “forgiving” her.

I think you need to ask your husband if he is comfortable with your level of interaction with her. If he is, you move on. If he is not, then he needs to be VERY specific about what he wished you would do differently. And then, you can decide if you are willing to meet him where he is or not.

But all this blah blah about “accepting” and “forgiving” is meaningless. You aren’t going to somehow forget that you dislike this woman immensely. And that is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it.

This. She apologized now move on. You don’t have to be best friends but you don’t want the rift to draw a wedge between you and you your husband or resentment from your kids.

[Anonymous]

My MiL said to me, after her son and I separated:

“ You always thought you were better than everyone.”

I found that interesting— and designed to hurt me. Years later, I understand it more!

I am okay not being around her. She was superficially nice.

[Anonymous]

Do it for your kids and DH.

[Anonymous]

I think you’ve made your point and you need to let it go. She apologized. You knew she lied about family members, so i wasn’t surprised to read she also lied about you. Like, of course she did. It was right to call her out, it was right to wait for her apology. I think for your husband and kids sakes, you need to try to let it go and go back to being surface level respectful and participating in visits.

And this is coming from someone who authored one of the many recent posts about not wanting MIL to come for Christmas. So, I get it. But from your description, you’ve made your point.