How to politely tell family to cut down on the Christmas presents

[Anonymous]

Secret Santa.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I hadn't thought about the people who buy way in advance of Christmas. Maybe some of them have already bought your presents, OP.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t had success with getting relatives to stop buying. My relatives feel strongly about treating all the grandchildren/niblings equally and object to giving my kids less.

I have had success getting them to give more consumable or experience gifts, or replacements for things they have (e.g. a new bike and we then hand down/donate/sell the old one) or things they “need” (e.g. soccer cleats which aren’t really a need but we would have bought anyway.

[Anonymous]

I would make these boundaries in early Fall. Some people are done shopping be December.

We actually started "no gifts" years ago and there was so much push-back and protest, but once everyone adjusted it has been MUCH better. It also shows out kids what holidays are about-experiences, positive memories, the family you enjoy, good food, giving back and relaxation. We have one relative who ignores it, but she is a boundary stomper in general who tries to buy love while treating people like trash. The kids see right through it. Treating people with kindness is a gift-we don't need stuff and stress.

[Anonymous]

Do secret santa for the adults. For kids, I say spoiling is fine. Especially as they get to teens it actually becomes a great thing if you establish a list of needs and wants as things get more expensive and useful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Yesterday I messaged my west coast family that we are planning to just send one or two small gifts for the family this year due to all the moving and stress, and I haven't heard anything back, so maybe they already have all our presents already and were offended...? I don't know, but either way now they know that we're not going all out this year and can plan accordingly, whatever that looks like. For our in-state relatives that we celebrate with in person, I'll let them know soon that we're paring down, esp. for the adults. Everyone in that family is very last-minute so I don't think they've gotten anything yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Yesterday I messaged my west coast family that we are planning to just send one or two small gifts for the family this year due to all the moving and stress, and I haven't heard anything back, so maybe they already have all our presents already and were offended...? I don't know, but either way now they know that we're not going all out this year and can plan accordingly, whatever that looks like. For our in-state relatives that we celebrate with in person, I'll let them know soon that we're paring down, esp. for the adults. Everyone in that family is very last-minute so I don't think they've gotten anything yet.

If you were my family member, I wouldn't be offended but irritated that you didn't mention this earlier since I already bought your gifts since it is December.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it won’t work. Some people feel the need to buy stuff. I tried this with my extended family and it literally made no difference. Frustrating.

[Anonymous]

The ones that already bought you gifts will give them to you and you will feel like a mooch for waiting until the last minute to make a change in the tradition.

[Anonymous]

I did this but let everyone know at the beginning of October so no one had started shopping yet. Got some pushback from a few but otherwise, people were understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Yesterday I messaged my west coast family that we are planning to just send one or two small gifts for the family this year due to all the moving and stress, and I haven't heard anything back, so maybe they already have all our presents already and were offended...? I don't know, but either way now they know that we're not going all out this year and can plan accordingly, whatever that looks like. For our in-state relatives that we celebrate with in person, I'll let them know soon that we're paring down, esp. for the adults. Everyone in that family is very last-minute so I don't think they've gotten anything yet.

That’s all good, but did you also tell them that you would appreciate a small gift because of all of the moving?

If you didn’t, it’s not clear in the email. You might still get lots of presents.

[Anonymous]

Christmas has turned so freaking commercial. Why are there so many gifts???

Thanksgiving so simple. Eat, drink and hang w fam. No Amazon plastic junk swapping

[Anonymous]

Adults buying presents for other adults is really lame. Everyone has access to same stores.

Yay, a pair of slippers! Something I couldn't afford or find online!!!

[Anonymous]

Years ago, we switched to a secret Santa model with the middle generation. Names are drawn at Thanksgiving. I suggest this approach. Kids and grandparents still get gifts from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful replies. Yesterday I messaged my west coast family that we are planning to just send one or two small gifts for the family this year due to all the moving and stress, and I haven't heard anything back, so maybe they already have all our presents already and were offended...? I don't know, but either way now they know that we're not going all out this year and can plan accordingly, whatever that looks like. For our in-state relatives that we celebrate with in person, I'll let them know soon that we're paring down, esp. for the adults. Everyone in that family is very last-minute so I don't think they've gotten anything yet.

You need to message them NOW, because even though they're last-minute, maybe this year is the year they decided to correct that.