Advice for college/parental involvement from parents of older dcs

[Anonymous]

I had a DS who was this as a freshman, and I assured him he didn’t have to have it all figured out this early. Take a variety of classes to see what sparks your interest, as well as finding out what you’re good at (as a PP mentioned, passion doesn’t usually pay the bills). I also told him that if he needed to stay on college for an additional semester, or even a year we fortunately had the money to pay for that.

My DS narrowed his focus a bit by the time he was starting his sophomore year, and then it was in his spring of sophomore year that he decided on a firm major.

Another suggestion is next semester, if her college has one, go to the career fair. Talk to some people there and get an idea of what all is out there. There’s so many careers people don’t even know about.

I would just continue to let her know it’s perfectly fine to not know definitively now! Think of how many people are in jobs/careers that have nothing to do with their majors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My freshman dd is constantly unsure what she wants to do. She has many interests but none are really passions. She initially liked environmental sciences and languages but there are few jobs and that scares her. She is going to switch her major from international relations to finance because she thinks prospects are better after meeting with her adviser, but she could really go any way with some encouragement on our part, and it's encouragement she wishes she had as she always is asking what we think. Both dh and I are very reluctant to intervene much because we feel it's her decision. How did you handle this if your child was directionless at that age? I am just scared she will not find her way.

Since you can't help much, encourage her meet with her Advisor and use the University resources. A lot of kids change majors by their second year.

My kid started with Finance (because that's what everyone was doing) but found it too heavy on math/accounting so he switching to International Affairs or Economics... still deciding.

[Anonymous]

OP, send her to her college’s placement office to discuss. A good one will put her through a lot of aptitude tests to ferret out her interests. They also most likely will be the ones to help her find her first internship- which she should be working on now. That experience - the internship- might well make the decision for her. Internships can be difficult to get so Yager her to start in this now with career services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My freshman dd is constantly unsure what she wants to do. She has many interests but none are really passions. She initially liked environmental sciences and languages but there are few jobs and that scares her. She is going to switch her major from international relations to finance because she thinks prospects are better after meeting with her adviser, but she could really go any way with some encouragement on our part, and it's encouragement she wishes she had as she always is asking what we think. Both dh and I are very reluctant to intervene much because we feel it's her decision. How did you handle this if your child was directionless at that age? I am just scared she will not find her way.

Since you can't help much, encourage her meet with her Advisor and use the University resources. A lot of kids change majors by their second year.

My kid started with Finance (because that's what everyone was doing) but found it too heavy on math/accounting so he switching to International Affairs or Economics... still deciding.

She met with the advisor who recommended accounting rather than finance and said employment prospects are extremely high with accounting, more so than finance. The schedule is going to be intense and include all summer bc she is now behind on requirements even as a freshman now! I am honestly pretty scared for her. It's not something she's remotely passionate about and he also said it is VERY challenging and many fail exams (and end up doing finance instead...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, send her to her college’s placement office to discuss. A good one will put her through a lot of aptitude tests to ferret out her interests. They also most likely will be the ones to help her find her first internship- which she should be working on now. That experience - the internship- might well make the decision for her. Internships can be difficult to get so Yager her to start in this now with career services.

See below, the advice was accounting. Her interests and what can lead to a good job with some degree of certainty are not actually compatible which is the challenge. In a perfect world of endless prospects, she'd stick with international relations and a language. She considered ROTC briefly and at this point part of me wishes she had stuck with that because accounting sounds worse and actually harder (for her and her skillset and interests).

[Anonymous]

Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

She is not fine with her major though. We did try to tell her this, but kids these days have it very tough in terms of employment prospects and she could not shake her worries about future employment, hence her constant panic and reevaluating. I’m sure she told the advisor about all this and wanting good career prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

She is not fine with her major though. We did try to tell her this, but kids these days have it very tough in terms of employment prospects and she could not shake her worries about future employment, hence her constant panic and reevaluating. I’m sure she told the advisor about all this and wanting good career prospects.

I totally get it, but you may be at the point where she needs someone to talk to about her anxiety more than she needs some advisor. She can just google careers that make the most money and are the least likely to be replaced by AI. That is the level of advice that this person is giving her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listening to an advisor who just spits out “accounting” without understanding what your kids enjoys and what their strengths are is ludicrous. I would tell her not to listen to this person at all and tell her to just take classes she likes. IR with a language is perfectly fine as a major.

She is not fine with her major though. We did try to tell her this, but kids these days have it very tough in terms of employment prospects and she could not shake her worries about future employment, hence her constant panic and reevaluating. I’m sure she told the advisor about all this and wanting good career prospects.

I totally get it, but you may be at the point where she needs someone to talk to about her anxiety more than she needs some advisor. She can just google careers that make the most money and are the least likely to be replaced by AI. That is the level of advice that this person is giving her.

She went to ask about finance though she had considered accounting. She’s not open to most majors (no health, no engineering, no humanities due to job worries…) so it only leaves so many options on the table. I just worry accounting is much too intense, with no way to study abroad (no time in this program which is 3.5 years then Master’s) which she was looking forward to doing, the extra summer semester…but I also worry that I’d be overstepping if I said that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you.

Me again: Tell her that when she is home for winter break, you will schedule time to discuss this and help her make a plan. No discussing until then. And when you help her with planning, it should be things like: when do you have to declare a major? Okay, that's the deadline. Until then, out different classes, make appointment at the career center, maybe see if there's a way to do some informational interviews, etc. Make a plan, actionable items, and set some interim deadlines for evaluating, seeing where she is, etc. Then when she starts agonizing, just say to her," are you following your plan?" If yes, she's doing what she can. Ask, "according to the plan, when are we supposed to meet to discuss things? OK, so not time yet. You're still gathering your evidence/info. Let's wait to discuss then. So, what else is going on?" And change the subject.

(My mid-20s DS with anxiety imagines a metal trash can in his head and he likes to direct his unhelpful thoughts there and mentally bang the lid closed, lol. So sometimes if he is agonizing about something he can't really do anything about at the moment, I say, "that sounds like a thought for your trash can," and change the subject. It really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you.

Me again: Tell her that when she is home for winter break, you will schedule time to discuss this and help her make a plan. No discussing until then. And when you help her with planning, it should be things like: when do you have to declare a major? Okay, that's the deadline. Until then, out different classes, make appointment at the career center, maybe see if there's a way to do some informational interviews, etc. Make a plan, actionable items, and set some interim deadlines for evaluating, seeing where she is, etc. Then when she starts agonizing, just say to her," are you following your plan?" If yes, she's doing what she can. Ask, "according to the plan, when are we supposed to meet to discuss things? OK, so not time yet. You're still gathering your evidence/info. Let's wait to discuss then. So, what else is going on?" And change the subject.

(My mid-20s DS with anxiety imagines a metal trash can in his head and he likes to direct his unhelpful thoughts there and mentally bang the lid closed, lol. So sometimes if he is agonizing about something he can't really do anything about at the moment, I say, "that sounds like a thought for your trash can," and change the subject. It really helps.

I am really anxious about it, that's true. I think in my dd's mind I am the trash can actually: she dumps it all on me. And it creates a lot of stress. I redirect as much as I can but I do listen first. My dh is better at it and just goes "mm-mm, that's nice, what did you eat for lunch?" and I am bad at it because it feels dismissive, even though it probably is healthier. I guess I feel like it actually hugely matters for her to pick a major she likes and does well with, and the consequences can be great.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, picking a major is not the big deal you. And your daughter are making it out to be. Ask your successful friends what they majored in - the answers will be all over the place. Most people enter careers they haven’t even heard of in college (I do research which looks at career pathways of people) and switch careers multiple times in the lifetime.

Make sure your DD picks a major with classes she likes — a good GPA can be important for the very competitive jobs. College and classes will be more enjoyable if she likes what she is studying. If she hates her major it will be very hard or unpleasant to make herself study enough to get decent grades.

Outside of her major, if it’s not something clearly aligned with a career track, have her take electives which align with a career track she might be interested in. So if she majors in a language, maybe taking courses in data analysis, or marketing. Then when she applies to job or internships she can talk about how her classes make her a good candidate for the position.

You both sound anxious. Maybe suggest your daughter get therapy for her anxiety - or at least a few sessions on how to stop ruminating - this isn’t healthy for anyone.

[Anonymous]

19 is still a baby, so young, and in need of support.

[Anonymous]

So many parents play the "if you don't get into the right preschool, then it's all over" game, which is followed by grade school, middle school, high school, and now, college. If you don't do every single step correctly and on cue, then life is all over for you. This attitude is all over these comments. I know young adults who have been raised like this who are afraid of their own shadow. They cannot make a decision. Even simple decisions stymie them for days. They have to ask for advice, which is asking for direction. Because they're too scared. The most successful people I know screwed up early, learned from it, and grew. Work on her fear. Tell her you'll still love her no matter what she picks.