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Motherless Mothers
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Anonymous
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I don't consider those whose mothers have passed away motherless, book title or not. This is clearly not the author of that book on this thread. Those with mothers who have passed away have experienced having a mother in a positive way, at least.
When your mother/MIL is abusive or absent or just plain selfish in so many ways, it is a very different hole in your heart. Be glad you will never know it: someone who is supposed to love you who just can't. Because the mother/MIL doesn't love themselves. Can you picture it? Can you sum it up in a book? Probably not. Don't laugh when someone says they have to watch t.v. to see what a real mother is. It is all some have. Never diminish their need like that. Some people do not have role models and have to figure out "motherly" (or even domestic things) out themselves. It makes for an extremely difficult life day to day, like it or not. Maybe we should be asking: what did your mother teach you? Maybe some people will be helpful in this regard. I am sorry for those who have lost their mothers, but consider how blessed you are to have great memories, photos, movies, traditions, etc. to pass onto your children. More than some have. Please be grateful you had that (ever) and don't turn this into a contest. |
Anonymous
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My mother was supposed to have loved me and just couldn't. And now she has Alzheimer's and cannot even feed herself.
Guess I lucked out twice for this thread. |
Anonymous
| 22:59 - I am sorry. That must be difficult. |
Anonymous
I'm not sure where you get the idea that all people who have mothers who are dead, had mothers who were loving and caring when they were alive. I'm sorry to tell you otherwise. My mother is dead, but I never had a good relationship with her. She was narcissistic. She was not abusive, but just because a mother is dead, doesn't mean she was a great mother. My mother has been dead 9 years and I don't really miss her. I would rather someone else's mother "adopted" me. |
Anonymous
My MIL is abusive and selfish and a whole lot of other things - I don't consider myself motherless because of that and I certainly don't have a "hole in my heart" because of it. It is just my MIL, not my real mother. It is just like if someone down the street was like that, the only difference being that unfortunately I have to deal with her from time to time because of my husband. Her existence or not does not make any difference to me. |
Anonymous
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My mom died a couple weeks before my 30th birthday, so I guess I fall into the "motherless mother" category. We had a terrible relationship that we didn't repair until about 2 years before she died and even then we were separated by distance. I miss her every day and some days I feel like a huge part of me died with her. The worst is when I wake up after having a dream where she's alive, and the having the realization hit me that she's gone. It took me a good 6 months to stop picking up the phone to call her.
My MIL is not a mother to me. Not because I don't like her, but because we are just not close. Our relationship is incredibly superficial. Thankfully we live far enough away so that the superficial nature of the relationship works well. When we lived in the same town, she was a nightmare for me. She critisized everything that I did and her sister and her mother were critical of me, too. She never thought that I was good enough for her son. My daughter has a great relationship with her and she and my husband get along well, so that's all that matters to me. |
Anonymous
I can relate. I work hard everyday to not parent like my mother, and it's exhausting. But my kid is happy and grounded, so I'm more than happy to be exhausted. My grandmother, my mother's mother, is awesome, I don't understand what made my mom the person she is. |
Anonymous
Funny but true. I often wonder why my mother had children - I think it was the thing to do. |
Anonymous
| My mother was a drug addict who died when I was 5. I barely remember her, and what I remember is mostly bad. But I think she loved me anyway. |
Anonymous
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New poster here...
There's more then one way to be motherless. Some people lose their mothers when they are young, or when they are adults. Other people have abusive or neglectful mothers who can't serve as role models as to what true mothers are like. For those who have mothers who passed away - my condolences. But keep in mind how hard it must be to be a mother (or father) when your own mother (or father) were horrible. And what kind of burden that is to share with your own children. How do you explain it to them? How do you answer their questions? I think that is what the OP is asking. So please, relax and don't take it personally. |
Anonymous
Listen to this PP. You can change things if you try and you need to try. |
Anonymous
| sometimes you can't change things with your mother and you don't need to try. My mother is abusive to the point that her parents AND her priest told me to move on and stop trying to repair things. She is abusive and she will not change. She doesn't want to. I have moved on -- to my kids it's just mom doesn't have a mom -- that's it. I have kids ranging from college-age to kindergarten and it's really matter of fact in our house and I have deliberately kept it that way. To OP, people who don't have these kinds of relationships think that if you work hard, you can repair things. People who have experienced it understand that you can't always. |
Anonymous
You should report your step father and your mother because I don't believe, there is a statute of limitations on child sexual abuse. In face, I believe you have a moral obligation to do so because if he is still alive then he may well be abusing another child. If I had been your employer I would have fired you for putting my children that close to someone who allowed sexual abuse of children. |
Anonymous
Still, you should try and it may not work but she will know that she tried. |
Anonymous
That sounds a little judgmental actually. It's her fault and she's just not trying hard enough if her mother is not changing her ways? There comes a point where you just need to just let it go. And in cases where your health and the health of your children are at stake (as in the case with abusive parents) it's often in someone's best interest to let it go from the beginning. Whether someone's mother passed away, or someone's mother is just neglectful, abusive, or simply absent they still are "motherless". |