BIL and Wife Visiting For A Week

[Anonymous]

OP, you needs lots of time with earbuds in. You can't hear them, you need to listen to this very important podcast for work. Whether you're actually listening to it or not.

Really, I'd be unavailable a lot. I would find it most helpful to sit and think about this ahead of time. Imagine the day, how the day unfolds. Pinpoint what are the essential times you should be there -- and not be present for the rest of it. Leave with the SIL, just the two of you, some. And count it as part of your larger time-together obligation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would give him a blank stare and say "wow" in a flat tone.

This accomplishes nothing.

Sometimes that is necessary with incredibly rude people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad. He may be more direct than others, but most people don’t know their guest bed is terrible because no one tells them. How many days in a row did you serve Asian food? It is customary to have wine available if you also have beer available. I usually try to stock the things my guests like and not make them conform to my tastes.

Dave?

Citation needed. Its customary to have enough of whatever you have in your home to offer your guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Help me find a way not to kill them. My SIL is OK. Quiet, inoffensive, generally invisible.

My BIL has to make every decision on everything while here. He openly sh*ts on the hobbies of others and makes totally offensive statements all the time. The below are real examples:

What??? You want to watch a college football game on Saturday night????

Seriously, can't we eat some normal food? I'm getting sick of Asian stuff.

Man, you guys need a new mattress. I slept like dog crap last night!!!!

Hey, next time you're at the store get some wine, OK? You know not everyone loves beer, right???

And on and on and on.

Short of going away myself what would you say?

He sounds abrasive.

The first example is maybe his way of saying he’d like to do something else, but the way he said it is so rude.

Maybe you could put each of his comments into the Normal Courtesy Translator and say it back to him in a better way.
“You mean, ‘Gee, guys, we don’t get together that often and it’s Saturday night. How about if we go out for a drink?’?”

“You mean, ‘Thanks for all the dinners while we’re here. Would it be ok if I put in a request for pasta or, better yet, can I make burgers for everybody?’?”

“You mean, ‘It’s always tough sleeping in a bed that’s not your own. But I’m glad we’re visiting and get to spend time together.’?”

“You mean, ‘Can I tag along to the store? I’d like to pick up some wine for everyone.’?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Help me find a way not to kill them. My SIL is OK. Quiet, inoffensive, generally invisible.

My BIL has to make every decision on everything while here. He openly sh*ts on the hobbies of others and makes totally offensive statements all the time. The below are real examples:

What??? You want to watch a college football game on Saturday night????

Seriously, can't we eat some normal food? I'm getting sick of Asian stuff.

Man, you guys need a new mattress. I slept like dog crap last night!!!!

Hey, next time you're at the store get some wine, OK? You know not everyone loves beer, right???

And on and on and on.

Short of going away myself what would you say?

He sounds abrasive.

The first example is maybe his way of saying he’d like to do something else, but the way he said it is so rude.

Maybe you could put each of his comments into the Normal Courtesy Translator and say it back to him in a better way.
“You mean, ‘Gee, guys, we don’t get together that often and it’s Saturday night. How about if we go out for a drink?’?”

“You mean, ‘Thanks for all the dinners while we’re here. Would it be ok if I put in a request for pasta or, better yet, can I make burgers for everybody?’?”

“You mean, ‘It’s always tough sleeping in a bed that’s not your own. But I’m glad we’re visiting and get to spend time together.’?”

“You mean, ‘Can I tag along to the store? I’d like to pick up some wine for everyone.’?”

Yes, OP, do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad. He may be more direct than others, but most people don’t know their guest bed is terrible because no one tells them. How many days in a row did you serve Asian food? It is customary to have wine available if you also have beer available. I usually try to stock the things my guests like and not make them conform to my tastes.

No. It is not customary to hear rude remarks about one's own home and food predilections. We're Asians who eat mostly American/European foods, but I find the Asian food comment pretty racist. Also, I don't have alcohol in the house at all. Our relatives usually don't drink, and if any do, well, they'd be disappointed. So sorry my food and drink won't kill them!

OP, you look your BIL straight in the eye and say calmly "that's rude". Then you maintain eye contact and make him squirm. He will naturally laugh it off, or call you insensitive, but after a few of these, he will probably (hopefully) stop. And since the goal is not not make him want to return, you should do that every time he's rude.

Obviously, he is not invited back.

which is why I said if you have beer available, it’s customary to have wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad. He may be more direct than others, but most people don’t know their guest bed is terrible because no one tells them. How many days in a row did you serve Asian food? It is customary to have wine available if you also have beer available. I usually try to stock the things my guests like and not make them conform to my tastes.

No. It is not customary to hear rude remarks about one's own home and food predilections. We're Asians who eat mostly American/European foods, but I find the Asian food comment pretty racist. Also, I don't have alcohol in the house at all. Our relatives usually don't drink, and if any do, well, they'd be disappointed. So sorry my food and drink won't kill them!

OP, you look your BIL straight in the eye and say calmly "that's rude". Then you maintain eye contact and make him squirm. He will naturally laugh it off, or call you insensitive, but after a few of these, he will probably (hopefully) stop. And since the goal is not not make him want to return, you should do that every time he's rude.

Obviously, he is not invited back.

which is why I said if you have beer available, it’s customary to have wine.

Not really, no. Stop trying to impose your views on hospitality on others. Most people don't have large homes and inexhaustible budgets and only buy what they consume, so as not to waste anything. They might have a bottle given to them, maybe. It might be too old.

Regardless, that's a discussion for guests who are pleasant. BIL is horribly rude and should be put in his place. He doesn't get wine if he demands it in this way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of like people like that because I can then just be super direct back at them.

"Yes, that is what we want to watch. You have my permission to go do something else."
"For tomorrow night you can get dinner for us. We are happy to eat normal food so get whatever you want."
"Yes we know about the mattress. It keeps guests from staying too long."
"Can you go pick up some wine? That would be helpful. Thanks."

This is what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of like people like that because I can then just be super direct back at them.

"Yes, that is what we want to watch. You have my permission to go do something else."
"For tomorrow night you can get dinner for us. We are happy to eat normal food so get whatever you want."
"Yes we know about the mattress. It keeps guests from staying too long."
"Can you go pick up some wine? That would be helpful. Thanks."

This is rude. It's rude to not take your geusts' preferences into account wrt tv watching, food, etc.

Asking to pick up wine is fine.

[Anonymous]

Wait until his last morning, and then say "Wow, James, you have a lot of complaints about staying here. It sounds like next time you come to town you'd be happier staying at a hotel."

[Anonymous]

A week is four or five days too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad. He may be more direct than others, but most people don’t know their guest bed is terrible because no one tells them. How many days in a row did you serve Asian food? It is customary to have wine available if you also have beer available. I usually try to stock the things my guests like and not make them conform to my tastes.

No. It is not customary to hear rude remarks about one's own home and food predilections. We're Asians who eat mostly American/European foods, but I find the Asian food comment pretty racist. Also, I don't have alcohol in the house at all. Our relatives usually don't drink, and if any do, well, they'd be disappointed. So sorry my food and drink won't kill them!

OP, you look your BIL straight in the eye and say calmly "that's rude". Then you maintain eye contact and make him squirm. He will naturally laugh it off, or call you insensitive, but after a few of these, he will probably (hopefully) stop. And since the goal is not not make him want to return, you should do that every time he's rude.

Obviously, he is not invited back.

which is why I said if you have beer available, it’s customary to have wine.

No its not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The uncomfortable bed? Tell him a crappy bed is your goal so guests don't extend their visit.

Fish and company start to smell after 3 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of like people like that because I can then just be super direct back at them.

"Yes, that is what we want to watch. You have my permission to go do something else."
"For tomorrow night you can get dinner for us. We are happy to eat normal food so get whatever you want."
"Yes we know about the mattress. It keeps guests from staying too long."
"Can you go pick up some wine? That would be helpful. Thanks."

I love you

[Anonymous]

I'd ignore most of it. Your spouse (who I am assuming is a sibling to one of these couple?) should handle it all. I'd direct all issues to him.

Practice saying "I'll let Jim know that's your preference" to whatever he says. Then, let your DH deal with it 100% and go run errands that keep you away from the house for awhile.