Is there any way of knowing if a woman will keep her strong libido over time?

[Anonymous]

In my early 30s, exDH and I had sex 2-3x/day multiple days and always at least daily. And then came the kids.

I wasn't getting sleep at night because I was with the kids. I was running around during the day because I was with the kids. The kids felt more connected to me and always wanted me. Someone was always touching me. Then exDH would want to have sex and it felt like one more chore.

Our 2nd child had significant SN. I was working, managing the older child, and getting called in the middle of the day to come pick up our younger child. The younger child would meltdown and throw the entire house into chaos. Once I finally got him calmed down and the oldest into bed, exDH wanted to have sex.

I didn't want to have sex, I just wanted the day to end. In the morning I didn't want sex because I was waking up to someone crying.

I'm 54 now and dating a 60 yr old. I'm back to having sex 2-3 times when we see each other multiple times per week. Does this mean that my libido subsided or was I overwhelmed by life and kids and needed more help that I wasn't getting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When dating someone in their 30s or early 40s, and the sex in the relationship is great. Is there a way of knowing if the woman will maintain her drive as she ages? This is my biggest concern as a man.

Don't be a ba$stard and ask things like this, as a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When dating someone in their 30s or early 40s, and the sex in the relationship is great. Is there a way of knowing if the woman will maintain her drive as she ages? This is my biggest concern as a man.

can she masturbate herself to orgasm?

and talk about it?

that is the number one sign that a women will maintain her drive, that she can give herself an orgasm with no shame.

Underrated response.

[Anonymous]

A small hint: for both men and women these are people who don’t drink, not mentally sick , don’t use weed, nicotine, any SSRI, not depressed or chronically tired, get good sleep, are slim, good dental hygiene, good skin, and are not tied up to exhausting careers /sitting at desk whole day. These would be usually people of certain SES who have time and means to take a good care about their overall wellbeing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When dating someone in their 30s or early 40s, and the sex in the relationship is great. Is there a way of knowing if the woman will maintain her drive as she ages? This is my biggest concern as a man.

Don’t get married and you’ll be fine. Dating is for fun and sex, marriage is for raising kids. As soon as a woman is locked in she feels like a captive and will start to resent you no matter what you do. Kids multiply that. There’s no amount of house work, money earning, organizing, dating, gifts, etc that will make it easier to have sex with her than the woman standing in the line next to you at Starbucks. The 95% of things you do right don’t matter. Only the 5% she can find issue with matters - and she hates you for it.

So, define your goals with relationships. If being attracted to a partner, having a fun and sexy relationship is what you want - Dating is the way to go. If you want to have and raise children and are mostly done with sex - marriage is the right path.

Damn, bro. It's like everyone BUT YOU can see why you don't get laid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When dating someone in their 30s or early 40s, and the sex in the relationship is great. Is there a way of knowing if the woman will maintain her drive as she ages? This is my biggest concern as a man.

can she masturbate herself to orgasm?

and talk about it?

that is the number one sign that a women will maintain her drive, that she can give herself an orgasm with no shame.

This is a good indicator of sexual engagement/experience, but you can also frame it as looking for the TripleDs: Desire, Drive, and Duty.

Desire: both feeling desired by your partner and caring enough about yourself to be desirable, at least to your own standards, within reason for your personal shape and constitution
Drive: enjoying sex and your sexuality and being driven to engage sexually, including with yourself. Someone with no drive now isn't likely to pick one up later. Someone with high drive now isn't likely to fall completely off (menopause may mess with this a little, but it shouldn't be permanent or severe)
Duty: seeing sexual engagement with your partner as an important part of the relationship. This shouldn't be a chore, but it shouldn't require planetary alignment for you to see that it matters, and needs to be a regular part of maintaining your connection.

You can have a simple conversation about all of these things, and they fit for any sex/gender configuration. You and your partner should be reasonably aligned on all of these points. Losing any one of them temporarily can be overcome by the others (e.g. "I want to fsck but I don't necessarily desire you as much, but sex is how we stay connected" = we have sex; or "I still find you attractive but my meds/menopause/major work project tanked my libido so tonight I'm going to take a more passive role" = we have sex)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A small hint: for both men and women these are people who don’t drink, not mentally sick , don’t use weed, nicotine, any SSRI, not depressed or chronically tired, get good sleep, are slim, good dental hygiene, good skin, and are not tied up to exhausting careers /sitting at desk whole day. These would be usually people of certain SES who have time and means to take a good care about their overall wellbeing

So, like, 6 or 7 people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. The way to determine this is to first determine whether the man will continue to make her feel desirable and continue his interest in her as a human. Determine whether he will stay fit, take on half the mental load in their relationship, and see her as a human being and enjoy growing together with her.

I mean, if you're not doing this, you don't deserve to get laid at all. Sex 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When dating someone in their 30s or early 40s, and the sex in the relationship is great. Is there a way of knowing if the woman will maintain her drive as she ages? This is my biggest concern as a man.

If your biggest concern about your partner is "will they change", the answer is unequivocally yes. If you can't handle that, stay single. Relationships and libidos ebb and flow. If you're going to treat that as a reason to cheat or leave, just leave now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my early 30s, exDH and I had sex 2-3x/day multiple days and always at least daily. And then came the kids.

I wasn't getting sleep at night because I was with the kids. I was running around during the day because I was with the kids. The kids felt more connected to me and always wanted me. Someone was always touching me. Then exDH would want to have sex and it felt like one more chore.

Our 2nd child had significant SN. I was working, managing the older child, and getting called in the middle of the day to come pick up our younger child. The younger child would meltdown and throw the entire house into chaos. Once I finally got him calmed down and the oldest into bed, exDH wanted to have sex.

I didn't want to have sex, I just wanted the day to end. In the morning I didn't want sex because I was waking up to someone crying.

I'm 54 now and dating a 60 yr old. I'm back to having sex 2-3 times when we see each other multiple times per week. Does this mean that my libido subsided or was I overwhelmed by life and kids and needed more help that I wasn't getting?

I don’t know but I’m happy for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When dating someone in their 30s or early 40s, and the sex in the relationship is great. Is there a way of knowing if the woman will maintain her drive as she ages? This is my biggest concern as a man.

can she masturbate herself to orgasm?

and talk about it?

that is the number one sign that a women will maintain her drive, that she can give herself an orgasm with no shame.

Yes, this. We were going through a bit of a rough patch a few years ago. She got a toy that was great for her, but she was worried I might feel insecure that she enjoyed it more than she enjoyed me. So we talked about it and then started using the toy together. What a difference that made - things are so much better now.

[Anonymous]

My fiancé and I have discussed this pretty extensively because we are both divorced from people who refused sex pretty early on. Neither of us want to go through that again. The "duty" question PP suggested is a critical one, IMHO. If the person doesn't believe that sex is a core element of marriage and isn't willing to take action to remedy something causing them or their spouse to not want to share sex, that's a bad sign.

[Anonymous]

If that's your biggest concern please don't get married. Just date and have sex.

[Anonymous]

The number of people responding that you are a bad person for even asking this shows that you touched a nerve.

There's probably not a great way to know for sure because life is so unpredictable in general. The PP who suggested looking at whether she enjoys masturbation and can talk about it is probably on as good a track as there is.

And, despite what some of the PPs suggest, you can't control her libido. Even if you stay fit and make an effort to be a good partner, it's entirely possible that she'll lose interest in sex for reasons that aren't your fault. So don't let them bullshit you into thinking that sex is a function of how good a partner you are. That's not how the world works. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.

[Anonymous]

OP, almost everyone's hormones fall off a cliff at some point.

If yours don't, you need a sex doll, not an actual woman. Or, you need to date / marry a desperate poor young woman.